The smiley face brightens my day...

Isn't it crazy how that little smiley face on the OPK can brighten your whole day?  I've been in a funk the last couple of days and nervous I wouldn't get a positive since I haven't for the last 2 months.  But lo and behold, that face smiled right back at me today, and that gives me the hopes have been desperately lacking.

On another note, OPK's also cause me some anxiety because all of a sudden DTD is imperative, and that just takes all the magic out of it.  I feel guilty thinking that the damn test is the only reason I am pitting the moves on my husband.  Of course it's not the only reason, but that forced feeling is still there.  Anyone going through this can relate, I'm sure!

Off to a fun resume class (read the sarcasm in my words).  Happy hump day y'all!

New hair, new attitude...

Does anyone else change their hair when they need a change in attitude or perspective?  Those that know me know I change my hair All.The.Time.  Seriously, it's an addiction.  But I find that there isn't much else I seem to have control of in my life, so I think it is great to be able to change that one thing.  So here I am with yet a new hairdo and a new lease on life.  Okay, maybe not quite that dramatic, but you get the picture, right?

The hair has been lightened and cut (a lot), and I really do feel lighter because of it.  <-----see what I did there?  My hair is a metaphor for my outlook haha.

Luckily, I have a husband that is fully supportive of my ever-changing style, so I never feel self-conscious when I do these things.

Besides that, there isn't much else going on over here.  I'm currently on CD12.  No positive OPK yet.  We are pushing the TTC again, but not in a crazy way.  I told the husband that I want to try on our own until September.  If it doesn't happen by then, I will start the process of finding yet another doctor for yet another opinion.  We have changed our eating habits a lot and I have lost 12 lbs since the beginning of the year, so hopefully these little changes will be just the kick my reproductive system needs.  Otherwise, we will go back to the clinical way of doing things.

Have a great week folks!

CD2

As you can tell from the title, AF reared her ugly head again and today is CD2.  I am sad as always, but I already knew our timing sucked this month.  Maybe this month, right?

My high school reunion is in a couple months.  10 years---how the time flies.  It seems like I will be in a situation all too common for me.  Standing alone among a sea of moms and soon-to-be moms.  I guess the only high point will be that I can drink and stay out as late as I want because I'm not pregnant and I don't have to get home to the babysitter...so why doesn't that make me feel better?

I want to be rushing home to kiss pudgy cheeks goodnight.  I want to be round and plump and complaining that my feet don't fit into my heels and my dress makes me look fat...because it means I am carrying a beautiful life inside of me.  I want all of that.  But I don't have that.  And I don't know when---or if---I will have that.

It hurts.

Today we went to a work event for the husband.  As usual, we were one of the only couples without kids.  All the parents were hot and uncomfortable having to chase their kids around and keep track of them while not getting to enjoy themselves or even sit down and talk to grownups.  That's usual when they tell me "you are so smart to wait to have kids."

And I wished it was me.  Oh how I wished it was me out there.

On another note, my thoughts are with Risa over at http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Gray clouds...

Some days are harder than others.  For whatever reason, today was one of those days.

But I am proud of myself for getting off my ass and being productive instead of just watching TV all day and sulking like I usually do on days when the cloud hovers above me.  I ran on the treadmill, used my new sander to fix some issues on the shelves I've been working on, cleaned and mopped the kitchen, and swept the garage.  Now I am working on my crocheted blanket and watching Tombstone, waiting for the husband to finally get off work.

Today is CD27.  No sign of AF yet, but I know she is on her way.  I guess PMS played a part in my mood today.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully a new cycle, as well, because I hate the TWW.

New hobbies...

Since the job hunt is taking longer than I would like, I have taken up new hobbies.

Because I like am OBSESSED with HGTV, and I obviously have a lot of time on my hands to watch it, I have decided to try my hand at some DIY projets.  The husband made me some shelves (who knew he could do that?), which I am in the process of priming and painting for our family room wall.  I have been collecting wooden frames from thrift stores and flea markets, and then I am painting them all white.  In the end, they will fill up a wall in my new house, and that will make me happy.  I also found a great nightstand at the flea market that I will be sanding, priming, and painting to go in our bedroom.  You see, we have never bought furniture for our bedroom.  In truth, we haven't bought much furniture for our house, period.  At least, nothing nice.  We move a lot, which makes is hard to purchase things like that, since we never know if they will fit into the next house we live in.  Therefore, we buy cheap things, which end up making our home look like a college dorm instead of a grownup house that we can be proud to entertain in.  I am now using my ample time to try and create a better space for us, and it is fun and exciting for me!

I am also still crocheting, even though I took a bit of a hiatus and haven't had the motivation to open the Etsy store I had so many plans for.  Maybe now I should get the motivation since it would be nice to contribute to the family income!  I am in the process of making my first throw right now, and I am loving how it is turning out.  I also just ordered yarn to make my Momma some placemats that she requested from me months ago.  Like I said, I am trying to keep myself busy or else I will go crazy being in this house all day every day.

As far as my cycle goes, I am currently on CD 25.  This is actually a great sign.  The last couple of years, my cycle has only been 23-24 days long on average except when I was medicated.  Last month, my cycle was a natural 28 days long!  Hopefully this means that I am making some positive changes with my diet and everything and that my cycle will continue to look this great.  The bad news is I never got my positive OPK this month, and our timing was probably only so-so.  But I am staying positive.  I am surrounded by children and pregnant women....it's gotta be my turn at some point!  I can't wait to crochet a blanket for my own little one :)

Happy Sunday everyone!

Not great at the whole "relaxed" approach to TTC...

As I stated in my last post, we are currently not doing any fertility treatments.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  The first is obviously because we just relocated and it takes time to get insurance switched over and find the right doctor.  Another reason is that I felt horribly a little traumatized by my past doctor experience.  I read through so many other blogs written by women going through a similar journey, except they have doctors that they love.  Doctors that take the time to explain things and hold them while they cry and generally just make them feel comfortable with something that is incredibly sensitive and uncomfortable by design.  You would think that would be standard with doctors that have chosen this field, but unfortunately, it is not.  So this time I will not waste time and money on someone that doesn't make me feel good about the whole process.

While we are not currently seeking treatment, that doesn't mean we don't still want a baby as much as ever.  It's really difficult because we had started the steps into our first IVF cycle in April, which really got our hopes up.  We finally could really imagine that this might actually happen for us.  But then we cancelled it, and that was devastating to me.  Although I know we made the right choice because the whole thing just didn't feel right at that time, it still hurt.  We got so close to the finish just to go back to the starting line.  For now, we are just doing things the old-fashioned way.  Our love life got so clinical, so we are working on that.  I'm not taking my temps or anything like that this time, but I am using OPK's.  I tried to do it on the sly so that the husband didn't really notice, because I wanted this time to be about us, not the TTC process.  But, he has been at this as long as me, and figured it out.  It hasn't really affected things, so I guess it is better that he knows.  And obviously, I am not nearly as sneaky as I thought I was!

Right now, I am on CD 14.  No smiley face yet, so I most likely missed my surge.  It's okay, it was just a guideline for me anyway.  But it would have been nice to see that damn stick smiling back at me.  Oh well, I will pee on that stick one more time today and then just chalk it up to bad timing if the bitch gives me an  empty circle again.

I'll keep you updated :)

Back from my blogging vacation...

Well hello there strangers.  I can't believe that it has been over 2 months since I have blogged.  I'd love to tell y'all that it is because I am preggers....or that I have been busy doing amazing things with my life...but that would be a lie.  The truth is, I just haven't really had anything to say...at least nothing that wouldn't sound like I was throwing a pity party for myself.  I find that people do not want to read those kind of depressing thoughts, so I have backed off for awhile.  Well, I am still depressed, but thought I would ease back into the blogging world.

Where to begin?

The husband is officially an Army recruiter, and we are living in Modesto---well, just south of Modesto anyways.  Wow, that's really all that has happened since I last blogged.  I guess it wasn't so hard to figure out where to begin after all!

I am trying my darndest to find a job in an area in which the unemployment rate is twice the national average, so that is fun.  We have taken a break from doctors for the moment because I got sick of the disappointment and I don't know when I will be ready to see one again.  We are still TTCing of course, that never stops, but it is on a much more relaxed level for now.  Although when I remember how close I am getting to 30 and when I see people posting their pregnancy posts on Facebook, it is harder to be relaxed about it all.  And I have had several people around me getting pregnant lately, which is always hard to talk about.  I hate that these people are afraid to tell me when they get their good news, but I guess that is what happens when you go public with your own infertility struggles.  If any of those people are reading this by the way, please understand that I am happy for you regardless of my own struggles.  Really.

I guess that is enough for now.  I am really going to try to jump back in, so hopefully I will be back sooner than later.  Back to the jobhunt!