14 dpiui

Well, here I am at 14 dpiui. I have not made it this far in over a year, but I am not getting my hopes up. HPT this morning was negative, but I did go have a blood test done as instructed. Out of all the cycles I have been through, this was actually the first blood test for pregnancy I have ever had. I feel like it might hurt more than usual if it comes back negative...

Lets hope for the best but prepare for the worst...

Just another boring TWW...

Not much going on over here in the two week wait. I am currently 9dpiui. Had my progesterone serum test done Friday, and my level was 28. I'm never sure what number they are looking for, but Dr. M said it is a great result and proves I ovulated. If AF doesn't show up by Friday, I will go in for a pregnancy test. I honestly don't have any expectations for this cycle, good or bad. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?

On another note, I have been keeping my mind occupied by crocheting all sorts of things. I recently taught myself the basics (with some help from YouTube of course---isn't technology amazing?), and now I am even toying with the idea of opening an Etsy shop so I can sell them to raise money for IVF. Don't know if that's a good idea or a crazy idea. All I know is I have carried my shopping addiction over to the craft store, and now my house is a mess with yarn all over the place....

**update on IUI #5**

After my rant yesterday, I put on my big girl panties and headed back to the office for my IUI (where I just had to take my panties off again, dammit). Dr. M prepped me by cleaning my cervix (always a weird thought) and inserting the oddly warm speculum, before leaving to go get the "sample". Does anyone else have the doctor leave you spread eagle while he goes to get the specimen? I get to just lie there and make awkward small talk with the nurse. Always fun.

Anyways, he came back with the specimen and the results of how it lasted the thaw process. The results were less than satisfactory, unfortunately. Apparently, some sperm don't do well with freezing and thawing. Not surprising, considering how well the rest of this process has gone for us. Only about 4 million survived, and of those, not many looked very promising. He looked like he wanted to cancel the IUI altogether since they usually like to have at least 10 million alive, but I was already prepped and ready to go, so we went along and did it. Good news is, it didn't hurt at all this time. Probably because I didn't use any medication and I my ovaries were a normal size.

I will be honest, as always, and tell you I did cry a little after he left and I was alone on the table "resting" for my half hour before leaving. I couldn't help it. Sometimes it is so hard to be optimistic when the odds seem so stacked against you. I texted the husband, and immediately felt horrible about telling him the truth because he has started to blame himself for our troubles after the stupid doctor said it might be a male factor issue. I can handle being told it is my "fault" because I'm used to blaming myself for things, but to see it affect my husband breaks my heart. Maybe all the religious people out there are right when they say it just isn't meant to be for us. Maybe we shouldn't be messing with nature. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. <----------yep, that's the one right there. It's just one of those days when I have too much time to think. Time to find a way to keep myself busy and shut the brain off for awhile.

Yay for the two week wait :)

F***ing Doctors...

I am sitting at a Panera trying not to cry...yep, that's how this day is going.

Just had my U/S, which went ok. Dr. M found a dominant follicle measuring at like 25, which is the biggest I've ever had. However, he also had no idea who I was or what I was there for today. I know I am not the only patient these doctors see, but it would be nice if they could at least read over my chart beforehand so that they could pretend to know me. After all, they have seen parts of me even my husband hasn't seen, and it is a very delicate time for infertiles like me.

But no, he asked me to spread my legs and then used the dildo cam to check my ovaries while talking to the nurse about his plans for the weekend. He is going to the ballet, in case you all were wondering. Oh, and the nurse is taking her kids ice skating. Don't worry about me doc, I'm just trying not to cry while you probe around my insides for a bit.

So, he asked when I got my positive OPK, and I told him. Then he asked if I was there for a post coital. Umm no, Doc, I am here for an IUI with frozen sperm since my husband is out of town. Oh? So we should probably have Dr. C thaw the sample. Seriously?

After my fun U/S, we talked in his office. Well, he scribbled notes while I tried to ask him questions as usual. He once again pointed out my possible endo and said we should treat with gonadotropins, which we have already done. And then he asked if I took any meds this month...against seriously? No, I was unmedicated because of your treatment plan!

Then he said to come back in about an hour for the insemination. When I went up to the front to ask the nurses if they could make sure Dr. C got the order to thaw the sample, they didn't even have my IUI on the schedule. Incompetence at its finest is all I can say.

Now I will eat my lunch and try to get in a more positive mood before my IUI...here's to hoping I don't cry on the table.

Smiley face!

Got my smiley face today on my Clear Blue Easy OPK in the bathroom at work. Classy, I know.

U/S tomorrow on my lunch break to make sure things are ready, and then doing an IUI with the husband's frozen sperm.

First unmedicated cycle + first frozen cycle (hopefully) = BFP!

Cross your fingers, toes, and tubes for me please :)

Waiting on a positive OPK

Missing the husband like crazy over here...nobody ever tells you how the boredom is really the part that gets to you when they are gone.

Anyways...I am in CD 11 over here. Crazy amounts of EWCM yesterday, which is great, but frustrating because I literally only ever get it when the husband is away. Apparently the world is against us getting pregnant the old fashioned way! I started OPK's yesterday, and am already seeing two lines. I will continue testing 3 times a day today and tomorrow until I get a smiley face on that damn test stick. Nothing like taking long breaks at work to go test in the bathroom...and having everyone stare at you with concern thinking you must have tummy trouble to be spending that much time in the bathroom stall. The joys of TTC!

After I get my positive OPK, Dr. M told me to schedule an U/S that night to see if I have a follie that has burst or is getting ready to. Then I will schedule an IUI for the next day. First time using frozen sperm, so we will see how the sample thaws. I'm pretty nervous about it, and I really don't want it to hurt like the last time since I will be alone again. Hopefully this all works out on the weekend so I don't have to go back to work like I did last month. But we shall see as always. This will be IUI #5...which I never thought I would have to say. Wish I could tell you which cycle number this is, but I lost count a long time ago and it started to get depressing seeing the number go so high.

I am also going to talk to Dr. M about doing IVF if this cycle doesn't work. The husband should be home just in time for one last cycle before our move, and I plan on taking advantage of it. I'll let y'all know how that talk goes.

On another note, I had a fabulous birthday weekend with my best friend! We explored Seattle and downtown Olympia, and just made the most of her short time here. It was great having girl time and forgetting about things for a few days. Shout out to K for coming to see me and making my 28th birthday a memorable one!

Happy Thursday!

Unmedicated and unmonitored...

My best friend is visiting from California, so I won't be posting for a couple days, but wanted to give an update on this cycle.

I called Dr. M's office on CD1 and left a message asking for a call back to discuss the plan for this cycle. I got a voicemail a couple hours later from the doctor saying that he thinks I should just do an IUI with no meds and no monitoring because he thinks it is a male factor problem at this point and the Menopur was mainly to help with my CM, which doesn't matter with an IUI of course. I don't really think that is a great idea since my time is so limited with this doctor. I did the math. We have only this frozen cycle and then one more cycle when the Husband comes home. That's all. Then I have to start all over in a new place with a new doctor. And I don't know if I can do that again. I am exhausted. How can it be this hard to get pregnant when some people just look at each other and get knocked up?

It's not fair.

So I called and left yet another message asking him to call me to discuss things further because I don't want to feel like I am wasting a cycle. I don't have the time or money to throw away. I am turning 28 tomorrow...I don't want to keep waiting.

Needless to say, I have yet to hear back from him. And it's now CD5, so it's almost too late to start anything at this point anyway. Lovely.

I'll be back in a few days with a post, and hopefully a new attitude. We shall see.

A blog post to end a very long day...

I have to say that today was my 4th IUI...therefore, I expected it to be a piece of cake. No big deal, I take a long lunch and fit in a little insemination with my cheeseburger. Nope. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurt. Seriously. Ouch.

This was my first IUI with Dr. M and I know everyone has their own way of doing things. The procedure itself was actually less painful than the others I have had, which I thought was a good sign. Yes, it was a little weird when he left the speculum in me while he left the too, to go get the specimen. And while it was a nice gesture to warm up the lube and turn up the heat in the room, it got a little uncomfortable. With my previous IUIs, I got up pretty much right after and got dressed and left...which is why I was so surprised when Dr. M told me to roll over onto my stomach and stay there for 30 minutes. What?? I'm on my lunch break fool!

Anyway, I laid there writhing in pain for 30 minutes (okay, 25 minutes because I couldn't stand anymore). Yes, I said writhing. Seriously, the cramps were horrendous, like nothing I have ever experienced. Really makes me look forward to childbirth haha. Luckily, they died down after 25 minutes or so and I got dressed and left. On the way out, the doc also gave me a prescription for progesterone (which I do not get to take by mouth if you were thinking that I was that lucky by the way) along with instructions to come in for a progesterone serum test on Monday blah blah blah. I stopped for some Tylenol on the way back to work and finished out my shift. All in all, it has been a long day and I am exhausted. But I know that I won't even remember the exhaustion or the pain once I get that positive HPT. Then it will all have been worth it. For now, though, I will take Tylenol and nurse my sensitive, painful, exhausted ovaries.

Goodnight xoxo

4th IUI...

Had another appointment with Dr. M yesterday morning. We had to do another post-coital test to see if an IUI would be necessary. Good news is, the Menopur did help with my CM. I didn't notice any difference, but the doctor said that it was really helping the little guys swim. However, the results still showed some problems with abnormal sperm, which is not great for our chances. It only takes one though!

Based on these observations, Dr. M suggested we abstain yesterday afternoon and do an IUI today. I expressed my concerns about this since I got my positive OPK on Sunday morning, but he said it can still up our chances. This will be our 4th IUI, so this isn't my first rodeo. Previously, we've always done it the day after a trigger shot, and obviously it hasn't worked. The doctor explained that most women release an egg 24-48 hrs after getting a positive OPK, but then the egg is viable for about 24 hours after it is released. We have always tried to catch the egg before it dropped, so now we will try to catch it on its way out I guess. It may be a waste, but I know it at least cant hurt, and each cycle we get closer to IVF. So you better believe I will do what I can to make the magic happen before that is necessary!

So now I am getting ready for work and planning out how to tell my boss that I have to leave early to get inseminated....maybe I will choose different words haha! Luckily, I work with all women, and I "came out" to them about my infertility struggles a while ago, so I don't expect it will be too awkward. Please cross your fingers, toes, and Fallopian tubes for us!

Xoxo

A better day...

Today was a much better day. I decided to take an OPK before my appointment just in case, even though I usually don't get positives until late afternoon. Color me surprised when I got a smiley face on my little ClearBlue Easy digital OPK! I ran to the other room to tell the husband that we got a smiley face...and of course he knew what that meant because he knows waaaaay too much about this stuff.

This put me in a much better mood going into my appointment with Dr. M this morning. We did a followup U/S and the two dominant follies matured even more, and measured about 19 and 21. And because I got a positive on the OPK, I didn't have to do a stupid trigger shot. Yay! Plus, I don't have to do any more shots. Score for my bum! The doctor does want me to come in tomorrow morning for another post-coital test, which I hate. However, the Menopur did not seem to help with my CM like we hoped, so it's probably a good idea. I asked if it would be too late to do an IUI I'd the test doesn't show great news, and he said no, that we could do one the next day if necessary. Lets hope it's not necessary, but I wanna do what is needed to make this cycle work. Otherwise, the husband will have to freeze some of his magic so I can use it when he is gone next month.

Thank you all for your kind words and for sticking with me through my pity party the other day. I'll keep you posted as this cycle progresses :)