Pre-IVF cycle testing...

Still not much to report over here.  I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so that I can get the ball rolling on our IVF cycle.

I never thought I would actually be excited for AF to show, but I kinda am.  At the beginning of this month, I got it into my head that maybe, just maybe, I would get pregnant naturally this month.  I know, it hasn't happened in 5 years, why would it happen now?  I just figured that maybe since we have finally started the IVF process and accepted in our minds that this is the path we must take, that maybe Mother Nature would throw us a curve ball.  Then I came to my senses and realized that was bat shit crazy of me.  Luck doesn't exist in my realm, and I know that.  So this week I am submitting the paperwork to withdraw all of our retirement funds to pay for this.  And this is everything we have, so shit better work out the first time.

Anyway, as of right now I have completed almost all of the pre-cycle testing.  I've done the saline sonogram and most of the bloodwork.  The husband did his pre-IVF SA (semen analysis) yesterday.  This test is more in-depth than the previous SA's because it includes an overnight test to better test how his sperm will hold up for the IVF fertilization process.  Based on the results of this test, my doctor will decide whether we need to do ICSI as well.  For those that are not familiar, ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) basically involves them taking one sperm and injecting it straight into one egg instead of just putting the sperm and the eggs in a petri dish together in a petri dish and letting the sperm fertilize the egg naturally.  However, if his sperm are not doing their job properly or my eggs are being bitchy and don't wanna play with them, they need a little help.  ICSI will definitely improve our chances, but it is also an added expense (hey, what is an extra $2k when you're already spending $14k, right?) and ups the risk chances just a bit since the egg can be damaged in the process.  So this test will determine what the doctor thinks is our best chance and help him decide what protocol to use for our cycle.

Although I am still second-guessing my decision (which is totally normal for me since I can never make decisions), I am feeling excited.  This also means I have gotten my hopes up, and I hope that isn't a bad thing.

I'll post more once all our test results are in :)

The beginning of our IVF journey...

Sorry for the delay in posting about our latest RE appointment, but I have been so busy finishing up some crochet projects this week (oh yeah, I started a crochet business during my blogging hiatus to try to keep myself busy and to raise money for IVF.  More on this later).

On Tuesday, the husband and I drove out to meet a doctor at a different clinic.  I was so nervous after our last appointment when things didn't go the way I had planned.  But this appointment was soooooo much better.  For once, I didn't cry after the appointment.  In fact, I was excited to get started!  Dr. R is on the younger side (or looks like it at least), but that just means that he is open to newer processes and procedures, and he is still excited about his job.  He actually explained the whole IVF process in terms that the husband and I could understand---with pictures---which I think really helped the husband.  And he didn't just discount all of the research and knowledge I have picked up over the last 5 years of TTC.  That was probably what cemented the whole thing in my mind.  So many doctors have acted like I don't know what I'm talking about or just steamrolled me.  Dr. R actually mentioned that he was sure we know a lot of this already and he didn't talk down to us.  He didn't rush us, and waited until all of our questions were answered before moving on to the ultrasound.

After the appointment, I was told that the case manager assigned to me would be calling to explain the details and answer additional questions, and then the financial coordinator would get in contact with me.  Then he handed me a folder filled with documents and such.  I know, that sounds boring.  Why am I bringing it up?  Because the latest success rates were inside....and they are currently reporting a 74% pregnancy rate in my age group with only 1 embryo being transferred.  If I wasn't sure before, then that little sheet of paper pushed me over the edge.  Tell me where to sign up!

My case manager called Wednesday and again spent probably an hour on the phone with me answering all of my questions.  I am so excited because it may be possible to do the transfer before Christmas, which means so much to me.  I was really hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year, and I thought that my chances had already passed.  I need this kind of hope right now.  She also went over the pre-cycle testing requirements with me, and luckily I have time to get all of it done before my next cycle starts.  Hopefully I will start birth control pills when my next period starts (after CD 3 bloodwork), and then have my baseline ultrasound soon after that.

Now we just have to worry about the financing, which is always tough.  Well, unless you have $13k just laying around I guess!  Regardless, we are not letting money stand in our way.  We have waited too long for this, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of our lives.

I would love tips from anyone that has gone through this whole process before!

Finally something to blog about...

Wow, have I really not posted anything since August?  I don't really have a great excuse for the break except the fact that there hasn't really been anything to blog about...besides depression, which nobody wants to read about.

Don't get excited.  I don't really have much to share now either, but I can say that I will soon.  I know, the anticipation is killing you, right?  If you exist?  I'm sure I've lost most---if not all---of my followers by this point.

Well, last week, I finally met with a new RE.  I filled out tons of paperwork, tracked down my records, and the hubs and I drove into San Francisco for the consult.  For those of you that don't know, these consults are basically all the same (at least in my experience).  We sat in the waiting room bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited and nervous to meet the doctor that we hoped was going to make us parents at last.  When the doctor finally showed up (late, as usual, even though you never saw another patient leave), we followed him into his office to answer a million questions (the same ones that I just spent hours answering on the new patient paperwork that they didn't bother to read first).  It always depressing and uncomfortable to go through my history and answer that question that always makes me cring:  "Have you ever been pregnant?"  Nope. I'm that sad (infertile for no apparent reason) person that has never been pregnant.  Which I answered on your stupid form, doc.  Thanks for making me say it all over again, though.  And thank you for not even attempting to look sympathetic.

After the question-and-answer portion of the show was over,  the extra-fun ultrasound was next.  I just love pulling down my pants for a doctor I just met and then being introduced to something I am no stranger to---the dildo cam of course.  Luckily, he said that my uterus still looks good, and I had a lot of antral follicles, which is good.  Then, we went back to his office to discuss the fun part.  Our treatment plan.  We let the doc know that we just wanted to skip everything and go to IVF.  This isn't our first time at the rodeo, and I'm sick of waiting to be a mom.  One thing I did like is that the doctor made up a calendar right there in the office while we watched.  I didn't like that he didn't listen when I told him how long my cycles typically are, which meant his timing was off, but I figured that we could always tweak it later.

Unfortunately, the appointment only went down from there, and I spent the rest of it trying not to break down in the office (although, I'm sure that happens often in a place like that).  When I called this practice originally, I had been told that I would be able to go to a clinic in my city for everything but the retrieval and the transfer procedures.  Apparently, that was a lie.  I would only be able to go to the local office if the appointments happened to fall on the one day a week that the doctor travels to that office.  For those that don't know, the IVF cycle is unpredictable, especially near the end when you have to have ultrasounds every couple of days to determine when you are ready to trigger ovulation.  Timing is essential.  Especially since this would be my first cycle, and we don't know how I will respond to the medication.  It would be very difficult to get to the city for all of those appointments, especially because I would have to go by myself for most them, and the idea of driving through San Francisco gives me a panic attack.  Not to mention the costs and the drive-time.  The rest of the appointment was a blur through the tears starting to form as they laid out the costs (I definitely choked a little at them, although they weren't completely unexpected).

I guess I could have just given y'all the short version of the story.  But then ending is the same:  this just wasn't the right doctor, and I promised I wouldn't waste time if I didn't feel comfortable with the doctor this time.  So now I have found another practice and have a consultation set up for Tuesday.  This practice has a lot of doctors available and they have a new program that supposedly also allows me to get almost all of my care done near my home.  Plus, the main facility is much easier to drive to.  So wish me luck.  My goal is to be pregnant by the end of the year, so here's to hoping!

The loneliness of an infertile...

I think that one of the most difficult parts of being infertile is making and keeping friends.  Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem!

As a military wife, I move a lot.  Which makes it difficult enough to find friends, especially for an introvert like myself.  When I do find great friends, I then have to move away, or vice versa, which means I have to start all over again.  Not fun.

Now when you throw my infertility into the mix, it is even more difficult!  It is hard to make friends with people that already have kids.  I hate to say that, but it is true.  Not only do I not have much in common with them, but I think I make them uncomfortable.  They wonder why I don't have kids myself at this age, or they find out that I am infertile, and they don't know what to say.

Let's face it.  Nobody ever knows what to say.  Even the friends I do have already are at a loss, I'm sure.  I'm at a loss.  Nobody wants to be around a sad-sack that is obsessed with having a child.  Especially if that person has kids or is pregnant.  Infertility is a disease, and they don't want to catch it.

It is such a lonely time for me.  Even when I find support from infertility groups, I then find myself getting jealous when one of the other infertiles gets pregnant.  Yes, I am happy for them.  But then they graduate out of the group, and I am left behind.  Once they have the baby, of course they still remember being infertile.  And they want to still support you.  But they also are happy being moms and don't want to think about those things all the time.  They don't want to feel that they have to censor themselves around me, as in not talking about their pregnancy or their kids.  Many of them have "survivor's guilt" because they have succeeded and I have not.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to hang around either.

I guess I can only hope that someday, I will have my chance to procreate...to annoy people with pictures of my ultrasounds, my kids sleeping, etc.  I can't wait to annoy people with those things.

CD1...again

AF showed up in full force this morning---first thing.  It is such a lovely way to wake up.  What makes it worse is that I had such high hopes for this cycle and had actually bought some cheap HPTs yesterday that I planned on using tomorrow.  I don't know why I thought this cycle would be any different.  I guess I was just hopeful since my luteal phase and cycle in general have gotten longer the past few cycles, and then the timing seemed so perfect this month.  Plus, I just "felt" different.  I should know better by know than to play the symptom-spotting game, but it is so hard to not look for those things when you want something so badly.

The husband's 29th birthday is this month.  I had hoped to be able to surprise him with an early birthday present.  I will just add this to the past birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays---4 years of dates that I thought I could make extra special with the ultimate gift, but couldn't.

I had a vivid, emotional dream last night about my mother in law.  We were at her memorial BBQ (which was last weekend on what would have been her birthday), and all of a sudden she was sitting there next to me.  She said she missed us, and I told her that we missed her so much.  She asked me to take care of her son, which I of course promised that I would do.  I woke up with tears running down my face.  It was so emotional, but it made me feel at peace as well.  Even though I don't usually believe in signs, I thought that maybe the dream meant that I was pregnant.  It kills me that she couldn't see her son as a father before she died, and she wanted it to happen so badly for us, so I thought that she was my sign.  Especially since I haven't dreamed about her since she died earlier this year.

But no.

Instead, I had to tell her son that he isn't going to be a father.  Again.  How many times will I have to do this?  I'm only human.  My heart can only handle so much.

Will it ever happen for me?

Today I am feeling quite alone.

Being unemployed means spending all most of my day on the computer.  I'd love to say that I spend my free time being crafty and productive, etc.  But let's face it---I really sit on my couch and browse the web while watching HGTV.  Once I have checked every job search website known to man, I browse Craigslist for furniture and then stalk see what my friends are up to on Facebook.  Then, and only then, do I allow myself to venture onto Blogger to see what everyone else is up to in the blogging world.  Once I check up on my favorites, I look for new infertile bloggers from their favorites lists.  This used to be a comfort zone for me.  But lately, the blogosphere is just about as unsafe as the real world.

Today, I followed my usual routine and opened up a bunch of new browser tabs with new-to-me infertility blogs.  The first one I found had a blogger announcing her pregnancy.  The second one had a blogger talking about the first few weeks of her pregnancy.  The third one---well, you get the idea.  Although I hate to admit it, I closed the tabs because I couldn't read any more.

I am a horrible person.  I should read these posts and rejoice for these women.  Not only are they carrying life inside of them, but they are experiencing it after fighting for something so many others take for granted.  Years of pain, years of needles and tears, years of getting over hurdles much larger than mine.  I should feel like there is still hope, because if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.  How can I be so selfish?

The truth is, I am happy for these people.  I promise.  But I am also sad for me.  I have never experienced a pregnancy.  Not even for a minute.  Seeing all of these positives makes me feel like I am the only one that hasn't seen those two pink lines.  Deep down, I know that's not true.  But on days like this, my heart blocks out the logic in my head.  Instead, it buries itself deeper to try and hide from the pain.

Please know that this post has nothing to do with the joy that these other women are experiencing.  Babies are wonderful and every woman deserves her chance to be a mom if she wants to be one.  Even though I wish on everything that I could have my chance to be pregnant, I wouldn't want it to come at the expense of another.

1 DPO...

Okay, I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but this is the number I'm sticking with.  I know I got my smiley face yesterday, but it was so early in the morning that I figure the surge started the night before.  And I had cramps yesterday which hopefully means my damn ovaries were working their magic.

If I am right, then our timing this month was just about perfect.

Or, was it?

Does it matter if the timing was perfect?  It hasn't mattered for any past natural TI cycles, nor has it worked for 5 IUI's.

Why are these the thoughts in my head today?  Or everyday, for that matter?

Welcome to yet another TWW...damn I hate this part of the month.