Wednesday, January 15, 2014

We have a heartbeat!

Today I am officially 6 weeks pregnant, and we had our first ultrasound with the RE.  I was nervous about what to expect since it is still so early, but luckily they have great equipment.  We were able to see our baby and its perfect little heart beating.  Seeing that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen...and hearing the heartbeat was the best sound.  It looks like the baby is measuring 5w6d, which is just a day behind.  And the heartbeat was 104 bpm.  I thought that sounded low based on what everyone else always reports...until the doctor reminded me that the heart didn't even start beating until a couple of days ago, so it is still warming up.  Besides, we are so lucky to have heard anything this early.  Most pregnant women don't get to hear the heartbeat until 8 or 9 weeks when they have their first ultrasound.

I feel like I was finally able to let out the breath I had been holding since we first got our positive test.  This really worked.  I'm shocked, to be honest.  I know I was spouting all this positivity, but it was mainly all for show.  I was pretty sure that this would not work the first IVF cycle.  I am so thankful that I was proven wrong.

Things feel more real now.  But I still feel like a fraud.  I lurk through baby stores and sneak around the maternity department, convinced that people are looking at me wondering what the hell I am doing there.  And I am having trouble finding where I belong with this.  I may be pregnant, but I still think like an infertile.  I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I tried joining a couple of pregnancy forums, and instantly went to the Birth Month section so that I could talk to other women going through the same things as me.  Except they aren't.  Okay, that's not fair.  They are going through the same thing, technically.  But most of them talk about basically just looking at their husband and getting pregnant....or they are on their 3rd or 4th kid already.  They have flat stomachs that they are showing off, looking for a bump that hasn't formed yet---I am trying to hide the fact that I already look 3 months pregnant most days because of the bloat left over from the IVF and the fact that my ovaries are still quite enlarged.  And I am so happy about this pregnancy, but I am also scared.  Like all the time.  When will that pass?  When I am out of the first trimester?  The second?  Or not until my baby is in my arms?  I just want to be a normal person that is excited about her first pregnancy, basking in that glow that everyone talks about.

Okay, end of vent.  I just had to get those feelings out before I exploded.

On another note, the nausea kicked in for real today.  I didn't actually throw up, but I did have to choke down some saltines first thing this morning to avoid it.  Yet, even though I'm nauseous, I am also starving.  Like All.The.Time.  It's ridiculous.

12 comments:

  1. Yay! So happy for you! There are pregnancy after infertility forums; you may be happier with one of those. I was just thinking about how I don't fit in with any IRL pregnant friends or moms. They just don't worry about the same things we do.

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    1. I have been trying to find some good ones. The search will continue until I find the right one!

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  2. Congrats! This is awesome news, so happy you were able to hear the heartbeat :)

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  3. Congratulations!! I belong to a VERY good private group on Facebook made up of women that are pregnant after infertility. Email me if you want me to try to get you an invite.

    loststork@gmail.com

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    1. I would love that! I will email you. Thanks :)

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    2. I'm interested too if it's an option! I won't email you right now just because I'm not sure if you know me but my blog is diaryofalittlechicken.blogspot.com if you want to know more about me/my journey. I'd love to be part of the group.

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  4. Congrats! So happy for you!! Don't feel like a fraud - enjoy it :)

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    1. Thank you Kasey! I hope your cycle is going well :)

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  5. Congratulations on hearing the heartbeat!! Such an amazing experience... Also, are we the same person? I feel like I could have written this post word for word (only less succinctly I am sure). I 100% identify with the feelings of fear and of being a fraud...For a while I felt very much like a fish out of water and wasn't sure where I fit in. It felt very lonely and very scary but I've been moving away from those feelings now. I'm about 10 weeks now and honestly, I'm feeling pretty good and getting more and more used to it and feeling more and more positive. Oh, and I believe the nausea and constant hunger started for me right around the same time too!! Hang in there!

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    1. We are actually the same person. haha! Thanks for the feedback. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one in this boat. And I love following along on your journey!

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  6. Congrats!!! Hearing the heartbeat for the first time...man, there's nothing like that beautiful sound. I bawled like ridiculous and made the tech cry lol.

    I felt like a fraud going into the maternity stores too. It's a really weird bridge between infertility into parenthood. As far as fear goes, I thought I would stop being a scared worry wart after the first trimester passed, but I always found new things to worry about. Even after B was born I still worried. Hell, he's 11 months old and I put a light blanket in there with him tonight and I'm worried about it lol.

    In the first trimester I ate a LOT of bland food. Rice chex with milk, baked potatoes, and I drank Hansen's ginger ale to calm my tummy. Saltines weren't my favorite because they made my mouth dry.

    I joined a due date group when I got pregnant and yeah, it's weird. Some people weren't happy they were pregnant and others broke up with their significant others. It was a real eye opener because getting pregnant was the most wonderful thing in the whole entire ever to happen and it isn't always like that for everyone.

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