Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Easter Bunny didn't bring me what I wanted...

Nope. Not pregnant.

Just wanted to let those of you know that I know we're sitting here waiting on pins and needles for my results (I know, I'm so important). Got the call from Dr. M yesterday that my blood test was negative. He said that my progesterone levels were still pretty elevated, which explains the delay in AF starting. Then I started spotting last night, and AF came for real today. Happy Easter to me.

Looks like we will be headed down the IVF path in May. I will keep you posted.

Friday, March 29, 2013

14 dpiui

Well, here I am at 14 dpiui. I have not made it this far in over a year, but I am not getting my hopes up. HPT this morning was negative, but I did go have a blood test done as instructed. Out of all the cycles I have been through, this was actually the first blood test for pregnancy I have ever had. I feel like it might hurt more than usual if it comes back negative...

Lets hope for the best but prepare for the worst...

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Just another boring TWW...

Not much going on over here in the two week wait. I am currently 9dpiui. Had my progesterone serum test done Friday, and my level was 28. I'm never sure what number they are looking for, but Dr. M said it is a great result and proves I ovulated. If AF doesn't show up by Friday, I will go in for a pregnancy test. I honestly don't have any expectations for this cycle, good or bad. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?

On another note, I have been keeping my mind occupied by crocheting all sorts of things. I recently taught myself the basics (with some help from YouTube of course---isn't technology amazing?), and now I am even toying with the idea of opening an Etsy shop so I can sell them to raise money for IVF. Don't know if that's a good idea or a crazy idea. All I know is I have carried my shopping addiction over to the craft store, and now my house is a mess with yarn all over the place....

Saturday, March 16, 2013

**update on IUI #5**

After my rant yesterday, I put on my big girl panties and headed back to the office for my IUI (where I just had to take my panties off again, dammit). Dr. M prepped me by cleaning my cervix (always a weird thought) and inserting the oddly warm speculum, before leaving to go get the "sample". Does anyone else have the doctor leave you spread eagle while he goes to get the specimen? I get to just lie there and make awkward small talk with the nurse. Always fun.

Anyways, he came back with the specimen and the results of how it lasted the thaw process. The results were less than satisfactory, unfortunately. Apparently, some sperm don't do well with freezing and thawing. Not surprising, considering how well the rest of this process has gone for us. Only about 4 million survived, and of those, not many looked very promising. He looked like he wanted to cancel the IUI altogether since they usually like to have at least 10 million alive, but I was already prepped and ready to go, so we went along and did it. Good news is, it didn't hurt at all this time. Probably because I didn't use any medication and I my ovaries were a normal size.

I will be honest, as always, and tell you I did cry a little after he left and I was alone on the table "resting" for my half hour before leaving. I couldn't help it. Sometimes it is so hard to be optimistic when the odds seem so stacked against you. I texted the husband, and immediately felt horrible about telling him the truth because he has started to blame himself for our troubles after the stupid doctor said it might be a male factor issue. I can handle being told it is my "fault" because I'm used to blaming myself for things, but to see it affect my husband breaks my heart. Maybe all the religious people out there are right when they say it just isn't meant to be for us. Maybe we shouldn't be messing with nature. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. <----------yep, that's the one right there. It's just one of those days when I have too much time to think. Time to find a way to keep myself busy and shut the brain off for awhile.

Yay for the two week wait :)

Friday, March 15, 2013

F***ing Doctors...

I am sitting at a Panera trying not to cry...yep, that's how this day is going.

Just had my U/S, which went ok. Dr. M found a dominant follicle measuring at like 25, which is the biggest I've ever had. However, he also had no idea who I was or what I was there for today. I know I am not the only patient these doctors see, but it would be nice if they could at least read over my chart beforehand so that they could pretend to know me. After all, they have seen parts of me even my husband hasn't seen, and it is a very delicate time for infertiles like me.

But no, he asked me to spread my legs and then used the dildo cam to check my ovaries while talking to the nurse about his plans for the weekend. He is going to the ballet, in case you all were wondering. Oh, and the nurse is taking her kids ice skating. Don't worry about me doc, I'm just trying not to cry while you probe around my insides for a bit.

So, he asked when I got my positive OPK, and I told him. Then he asked if I was there for a post coital. Umm no, Doc, I am here for an IUI with frozen sperm since my husband is out of town. Oh? So we should probably have Dr. C thaw the sample. Seriously?

After my fun U/S, we talked in his office. Well, he scribbled notes while I tried to ask him questions as usual. He once again pointed out my possible endo and said we should treat with gonadotropins, which we have already done. And then he asked if I took any meds this month...against seriously? No, I was unmedicated because of your treatment plan!

Then he said to come back in about an hour for the insemination. When I went up to the front to ask the nurses if they could make sure Dr. C got the order to thaw the sample, they didn't even have my IUI on the schedule. Incompetence at its finest is all I can say.

Now I will eat my lunch and try to get in a more positive mood before my's to hoping I don't cry on the table.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Smiley face!

Got my smiley face today on my Clear Blue Easy OPK in the bathroom at work. Classy, I know.

U/S tomorrow on my lunch break to make sure things are ready, and then doing an IUI with the husband's frozen sperm.

First unmedicated cycle + first frozen cycle (hopefully) = BFP!

Cross your fingers, toes, and tubes for me please :)

Waiting on a positive OPK

Missing the husband like crazy over here...nobody ever tells you how the boredom is really the part that gets to you when they are gone.

Anyways...I am in CD 11 over here. Crazy amounts of EWCM yesterday, which is great, but frustrating because I literally only ever get it when the husband is away. Apparently the world is against us getting pregnant the old fashioned way! I started OPK's yesterday, and am already seeing two lines. I will continue testing 3 times a day today and tomorrow until I get a smiley face on that damn test stick. Nothing like taking long breaks at work to go test in the bathroom...and having everyone stare at you with concern thinking you must have tummy trouble to be spending that much time in the bathroom stall. The joys of TTC!

After I get my positive OPK, Dr. M told me to schedule an U/S that night to see if I have a follie that has burst or is getting ready to. Then I will schedule an IUI for the next day. First time using frozen sperm, so we will see how the sample thaws. I'm pretty nervous about it, and I really don't want it to hurt like the last time since I will be alone again. Hopefully this all works out on the weekend so I don't have to go back to work like I did last month. But we shall see as always. This will be IUI #5...which I never thought I would have to say. Wish I could tell you which cycle number this is, but I lost count a long time ago and it started to get depressing seeing the number go so high.

I am also going to talk to Dr. M about doing IVF if this cycle doesn't work. The husband should be home just in time for one last cycle before our move, and I plan on taking advantage of it. I'll let y'all know how that talk goes.

On another note, I had a fabulous birthday weekend with my best friend! We explored Seattle and downtown Olympia, and just made the most of her short time here. It was great having girl time and forgetting about things for a few days. Shout out to K for coming to see me and making my 28th birthday a memorable one!

Happy Thursday!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Unmedicated and unmonitored...

My best friend is visiting from California, so I won't be posting for a couple days, but wanted to give an update on this cycle.

I called Dr. M's office on CD1 and left a message asking for a call back to discuss the plan for this cycle. I got a voicemail a couple hours later from the doctor saying that he thinks I should just do an IUI with no meds and no monitoring because he thinks it is a male factor problem at this point and the Menopur was mainly to help with my CM, which doesn't matter with an IUI of course. I don't really think that is a great idea since my time is so limited with this doctor. I did the math. We have only this frozen cycle and then one more cycle when the Husband comes home. That's all. Then I have to start all over in a new place with a new doctor. And I don't know if I can do that again. I am exhausted. How can it be this hard to get pregnant when some people just look at each other and get knocked up?

It's not fair.

So I called and left yet another message asking him to call me to discuss things further because I don't want to feel like I am wasting a cycle. I don't have the time or money to throw away. I am turning 28 tomorrow...I don't want to keep waiting.

Needless to say, I have yet to hear back from him. And it's now CD5, so it's almost too late to start anything at this point anyway. Lovely.

I'll be back in a few days with a post, and hopefully a new attitude. We shall see.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Another one bites the dust...

Well the bitch showed up. Even the progesterone didn't hold her off longer than usual because she is a super villain and nothing can stop her.

Texted my husband this morning that the cycle failed. He's so far away and this is so hard to go through alone.

Sorry, nothing funny to say today because I'm just sad. Don't worry, I'm a big girl and I'm plenty used to disappointment by now. It used to take me a week to get over it, now I'm down to a day. Progress, right?

I will call Dr. M's office today to find out what the plan is this cycle. Hopefully he can fit me in for my baseline U/S early this week because my best friend is coming to visit this week and I don't want to have doctor appointments or anything else depressing distracting us from our fun weekend.

Thank you all for your encouragement and your sweet words the last couple of days. It is so appreciated.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Goodbyes suck...

Just had to say goodbye to the husband for a few weeks, which sucks. At least we will be able to talk on the phone unlike most of the other times he has been gone. I POAS yesterday hoping to have good news (or any news I guess) before he left. Of course it was negative. Trying to keep my hopes up because it is still possible to get a positive, but it isn't looking so great. The husband froze some sperm this week so that I can do an IUI while he's gone if this time didn't work. Seems so pessimistic, but we didn't want to risk the chance of wasting a cycle when we have such limited time here with this doctor.

So I will continue to hope and POAS until I get great news or until stupid AF rears her ugly, unwanted head.

P.S. welcome to my new followers! I am so excited to have people interested in what I have to say. Hopefully I will have more interesting posts coming up.