After my rant yesterday, I put on my big girl panties and headed back to the office for my IUI (where I just had to take my panties off again, dammit). Dr. M prepped me by cleaning my cervix (always a weird thought) and inserting the oddly warm speculum, before leaving to go get the "sample". Does anyone else have the doctor leave you spread eagle while he goes to get the specimen? I get to just lie there and make awkward small talk with the nurse. Always fun.
Anyways, he came back with the specimen and the results of how it lasted the thaw process. The results were less than satisfactory, unfortunately. Apparently, some sperm don't do well with freezing and thawing. Not surprising, considering how well the rest of this process has gone for us. Only about 4 million survived, and of those, not many looked very promising. He looked like he wanted to cancel the IUI altogether since they usually like to have at least 10 million alive, but I was already prepped and ready to go, so we went along and did it. Good news is, it didn't hurt at all this time. Probably because I didn't use any medication and I my ovaries were a normal size.
I will be honest, as always, and tell you I did cry a little after he left and I was alone on the table "resting" for my half hour before leaving. I couldn't help it. Sometimes it is so hard to be optimistic when the odds seem so stacked against you. I texted the husband, and immediately felt horrible about telling him the truth because he has started to blame himself for our troubles after the stupid doctor said it might be a male factor issue. I can handle being told it is my "fault" because I'm used to blaming myself for things, but to see it affect my husband breaks my heart. Maybe all the religious people out there are right when they say it just isn't meant to be for us. Maybe we shouldn't be messing with nature. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. <----------yep, that's the one right there. It's just one of those days when I have too much time to think. Time to find a way to keep myself busy and shut the brain off for awhile.
Yay for the two week wait :)