Monday, December 22, 2014

Birth Story, the finale

Call me naive, but I thought that once I agreed to the c section, things would get easier.  Once again, I was wrong.

I didn't factor in the pain that I was already in, which wouldn't go away until getting the spinal in the operating room.  My contractions were still on top of each other, and I wasn't getting more than a few seconds of relief between them.  They asked if I could walk to the OR, and I shook my head.  I could barely speak since I was concentrating on not passing out from the pain.

My husband got all dressed up in his gear and I sent my mom and doula out to the waiting room while they wheeled me into the OR.  Dr. A was there to greet me and let me know what was going to happen every step of the way.  He said I would have to sit up and try to hold still while they inserted the spinal, and I thought that sounded impossible.  He helped me up and held me still while they did it.  I cannot speak highly enough about his bedside manner.  How many women have doctors that comfort them this way?  He wiped my brow and helped me through each contraction while I tried not to fall off of the table.  Once the epidural was in and they laid me down, things got much easier.  I was numb from the waist down and it was the most bizarre feeling.  I could see them moving my legs as they prepared me for the c section, but it seemed like they must belong to someone else since I couldn't feel what they were doing.

Once the sheet was up, my husband was allowed back in.  I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  Did I mention it was almost midnight?  I had been up and in labor all day long without any rest, and now I was afraid I was going to fall asleep and miss my baby boy's birth!  Luckily, Dr. A was fast and after some weird pulling sensations, I hear my baby boy cry for the first time.  It was amazing.  The husband stood up and snapped pictures immediately, and he went and joined the nurses while they wiped the baby off and weighed him.  9 lbs, 1 oz, what a big boy!  And he made it before midnight.  Baby L was born at 11:53 pm.

When I heard L cry for the first time, I cried too.  The husband brought him over and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  The anesthesiologist snapped a couple of pictures, and then the husband and our little one went to recovery to wait for me.  After some quick stitching up, and some more bizarre sensations while they moved me all over the place without me feeling it, I was wheeled into recovery as well.

L was just finishing up his bath and then was brought over and laid on my chest.  We tried to breastfeed immediately.  He was alert and eager for the breast.  He was perfect.


There are so many more things I could say, but these are the important details.  L's birth could not have been further from what I had expected, but it resulted in my beautiful boy coming into this world healthy, and that is all that matters.  At least, that's what I tell myself every day.  I still mourn the fact that I didn't have a vaginal birth, and I probably always will.  Thank you to those that stuck around for this very long story.  I know I could have made it a lot less detailed, but this is for my own memories and I didn't want to forget anything.

I don't know where this blog is going to go from here.  Will it become a blog about parenting?  I don't know.  L was born with a clubfoot, so I could document that journey here...but again, I don't know.  We will see.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Birth Story, Part 2

Where was I?

Oh right, we had just survived a super crappy night in which neither the husband or I slept.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014:

After finally falling asleep for a couple of hours, I was woken up by Dr. A during his rounds around 6 am.  He came in to check me, and I had finally dilated to 1 cm!  This may sound like nothing, but it had taken me almost 42 weeks to get there.  Because I had finally dilated somewhat, we had a couple more options than the night before.  Dr. A did not want to put me on pitocin because I was contracting on my own and he was concerned that baby wouldn't handle it well.  The problem with pitocin is that it is designed to make your contractions stronger and closer together, however, mine were already close together.  He didn't want to risk having them get any closer which would cause different problems.

Since I was still opposed to receiving drugs of any kind, Dr. A suggested using a bulb catheter, which is inserted into your cervix and then the bulbs on the end of it (one on each side of your cervix) are inflated with saline to put pressure on your cervix.  He explained that the catheter should fall out on its own once my cervix had dilated a certain amount.  Sounds painless, right?  Wrong.  He had quite a bit of trouble getting it in since I was barely dilated and it was definitely painful.  He said the pain would go away once the catheter was in....he was wrong.  Silly doctor.

Once the catheter was in, I was in quite a bit of pain.  I was cramping pretty much constantly, and the contractions were more intense.  However, they were not unbearable.  I walked and bounced on my birthing ball and tried to keep my mind off things.  I had finally been cleared to eat, so that was amazing as well.  My mom showed up some time after this and she helped me to walk the halls of the birthing center.  She kept commenting on how quiet I was, which I didn't know how to take.  Did that mean that things were not progressing or was I just handling things well?  I didn't know, of course, but at that point I was confident that I could continue with my "birth plan" even though I had already had more intervention than I wanted.

After about 8 hours, Dr. A came back to check the progress.  He removed the catheter (which hurt like a bitch!  P.S. don't ever look at that thing after it comes out of you.  Gross.) and I was so happy to hear that I was dilated to a 6!  Wow, this was great news.  I really thought things were going to start going my way.  Dr. A broke my water to move things along quicker since baby's heartrate was still having late decelerations.  There was meconium in the fluid, but I had expected that since I was so late in the pregnancy.

Once they broke my water, I expected my contractions to get stronger, but they didn't.  They were still coming steady, but I actually felt better since the catheter was removed.  I was looking forward to getting back up and walking the halls again since I knew laying down just made things more painful and slowed progression.  Finding out that I was so far dilated had really motivated me... I thought the rest of the night would go as originally planned!  Unfortunately, before I had a chance to get up, the nurse came in and asked me to roll onto my left side and started getting the oxygen mask out.  She was trying to act calm for my sake, but I could tell that she was concerned.  They rolled me over and strapped the mask onto my face and hooked me back up to the IV fluids.  She let me know that the decelerations were happening more often and they wanted to see if the extra oxygen would help.  Right about this time, my doula showed up.  I was scared, but felt much more calm than one would expect.  I knew I had to keep my own heartrate and blood pressure in check.  My mom looked terrified, though, and I told her she should leave.  She didn't listen, but I asked her to move out of my line of sight because seeing her look so concerned wasn't helping me any!

Dr. A came back in to talk to me at this point.  He was getting more concerned and wanted me to know my options.  Pitocin was still not an option to move things along because my contractions were coming too quickly.  He wanted to check and see if my contractions were actually doing any good---if they were causing my cervix to actually dilate or not.  He inserted a tool that would monitor my contractions more accurately.  Once it was in, we would wait 15-30 minutes to see how strong the contractions were.  I had discussed it with my doula and my husband and decided this option was still better than a c section.  I had handled the contractions so well at this point according to everyone around me that I figured I was doing great.

Once the internal monitor was in, the contractions got much more painful.  I was having to concentrate fully on each one and force myself to relax through them.  I still wasn't making any noise, but I was deep inside myself.  My doula rubbed my feet and my husband held my hand.  Whenever he tried to touch me anywhere else, I told him to stop.  The extra touch was too much for me.  Based on all my reading, I figured that I was in the transitional phase at this point, which is the phase between 7 and 10 cm of dilation.  I had all the telltale signs, even throwing up at one point.  I felt like I couldn't make it any longer, which I knew was another sign.  I was sure the doctor was going to come in and let me know I was almost fully dilated and would be pushing soon.

I was wrong.

Dr. A came in after about 20 minutes and showed me the results from the contraction monitor.  According to the data, my contractions were not strong enough to cause any cervical change.  Since of course this information can vary from person to person, he asked if he could check me again.  I agreed...if he found that I was even 1 cm closer than before (meaning a 7), I knew I could make it the rest of the way.  That was not the case.  Dr. A informed me that I was now at a cervix was going in the wrong direction!

I finally broke down in tears at this point.  I had tried so hard to have the best possible birth for me and my son, but I couldn't go any further.  I had started this process at 7am and had been through so much without sleep or a was now after 11pm.  Before he even gave me my options, I consented to a c section.  It was time to throw in the towel because my son's heartrate decelerations weren't going away and I didn't want to risk his life.  I signed the consent form and they went to prep the OR.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Birth Story, Part 1

Wow, I can't believe I have been absent for so long this time.  The only excuse I have is that dealing with a newborn is so much more time-consuming than I realized!  It is amazing, but I rarely have my hands free for long enough to write up a blog post.  Here is the beginning of my long birth story.  Sorry for all of the details, but I wanted to have something to look back on for my own recollection.

On Friday, September 19th, I had my 41-week OB appointment.  As I feared, I had still not progressed at all.  Based on my size, the doctor predicted that I was carrying a baby well over 8 lbs at this point.  That didn't scare me, because I expected to have a big baby and even looked forward to it (they look so much less fragile!).  However, the doctor caught me in a very emotional state because I was feeling so uncomfortable at this point and was afraid that my body was failing me yet again by not dilating on its own yet.  I was sleep-deprived and VERY pregnant.  Dr. A scheduled an induction for Monday morning and I caved.

I NEVER wanted to have to go through an induction.  I knew the statistics and didn't want to have to have additional medical interventions which almost always follow.  I wanted to have a natural birth and knew that would be difficult with pitocin or any other induction drug.  After crying in the parking lot and talking it over with my husband, I called that afternoon and canceled the induction.  The medical assistant told me that Dr. A had already left for the day, but she would call to tell him and call me if anything else was needed.  It didn't take long for me to get a call back---Dr. A was fine with holding off on the induction a little longer since I had had a healthy, normal pregnancy up until then....but he did want me to come in for a non-stress test (NST) on Monday to make sure the baby was still doing okay.  I agreed with this because of course baby's health was my number one priority.

The weekend was a blur.  I was trying every natural method I could find to try and get my body to go into labor on its own.  I was a nervous wreck about Monday.  I re-packed my hospital bag and the diaper bag.  Monday afternoon, I took my time getting ready and tried to relax.  The husband was able to get the time off for my appointment, so he came to pick me up that afternoon.  I decided to leave the bags behind because I didn't want to jinx things.  He didn't even change out of his uniform because he figured he would be going back to work after the appointment.

The NST is done in the hospital's birthing center.  I checked in and was taken to a room and hooked up to a machine that would track the baby's heartrate for a half hour or so, to make sure there were normal hikes and dips.  I was supposed to push a button every time I thought I felt a contraction.  I thought it was odd that they left us in the room for about an hour...but figured they were just busy.  I felt fine and was even feeling a lot of contractions and thought my body was just finally kicking itself into gear.  I was wrong.

The nurse came back in to give me the results.  Baby was having some late decelerations in his heartrate, which meant that his heartrate was dipping after some of my contractions.  I was also contracting quite often.  They said they had called Dr. A and he wanted to come check in with me.  They had me get undressed and hooked me up to an IV to see if maybe I was just dehydrated.  I was in tears at this point and the husband was looking really worried.

Dr. A came in to talk to us a short time later.  He looked over the data from the test and explained the heartrate decelerations in more detail.  They were not happening with every contraction, but often enough that he was concerned.  He examined me again, and I was still not dilated at all.  He talked to me about our options:  we could either do a c-section that night or we could stay overnight for monitoring and re-evaluate in the morning.  He did not feel comfortable sending me home with the heartrate dropping as often as it was.  We decided to wait it out and were moved to a labor and delivery room.  The husband went home to grab our bags and carseat and to get the dog to the boarding facility since we didn't know when we would be home.  I tried to relax, but was full of panic.  I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I would be having my baby within the next day or so.

The husband returned and we got settled in for the night since he was able to stay with me.  He got the horribly uncomfortable couch and I got the awful bed.  Needless to say, neither of us got much sleep that night.  I couldn't get comfortable because they kept coming in to turn me side to side anytime the baby's heartrate changed again, and the husband woke up at every sound.  Poor guy was so concerned about me and the baby that he couldn't relax at all.

More to follow next time I get a free moment!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

He's here!!

Sorry for the delay folks.  Little man arrived Tuesday, September 23rd, at 11:53pm.

Birth stats: 9lbs 1oz, 20.5 in long

Things did not go as planned and it has been quite the adventure so far, but we are so happy to have him home with us.  My life pretty much revolves around feeding and changing him, so once I have a little more time to come up for air I will tell my birth story.

Thanks for all those that have followed our journey to get here :)

Monday, September 22, 2014

No, this is not a birth story

If I have any readers left at this point, I would be shocked!  But no, I am not busy enjoying time with my new bundle of joy quite yet.

Baby boy is stubborn (everyone keeps saying how cozy he is in there...I don't think they realize how annoying that is to hear at this point) and has shown no signs of coming out yet.  The doctors are trying to push induction at this point, and I actually caved and scheduled an appointment for this morning...which I later canceled because I knew that I didn't want to go through with it.  We came to a compromise:  I will go in this afternoon for an NST (non-stress test) to make sure he is doing okay in there still.  After that, I'm not sure what happens next.  I do know that my hubs is getting a little nervous at this point, so we may be talking induction later this week if labor hasn't started on its own.  I believe that the body knows when it is time, but I also know that things can possibly get a little more complicated after 42 weeks.

The stats:
How far along: 41 + 5

Size of baby: I dunno...huge? haha

Physical symptoms: elephant-sized ankles, backache, sciatic pain in legs

Weight gain/loss: too much

Maternity clothes: I believe I'm down to one pair of maternity shorts and a couple maternity tanks that still fit.  I pretty much live in sweat shorts at home and maxi skirts when I venture out.

Stretch marks: some on the boobs still, and I have now developed a few on my love handles and butt.  Very sexy, I know, but I can't really complain because I have gotten off easy so far in this area.

Sleep: What sleep?

Best moment since last week:  umm....nothing much happens these days.

Movement:  Now that he has less room to move around, there isn't quite as much movement during the day.  However, he has a party in my uterus pretty much every night between 8:30 and 9ish.

Cravings/Aversions:  still love sweets and spicy food

Gender: Boy!!!!

Labor signs: Not a whole lot.  Still a lot of BH contractions, some days I do have menstrual-like cramps but they haven't caused any cervical changes yet.

Belly button:  Outie

What I miss: sleep

What I am looking forward to: meeting my little boy

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

35 weeks

Sorry it's been so long folks, but there's nothing really to report over here.  I am in shock that I have made it to 35 weeks, and that I could be meeting my son very soon.  Since my last post a million years ago, I have found a wonderful OB that I actually trust.  I have also been reading through my Bradley Method book and have attended a childbirth class with the hospital.  Between that and my doula, I finally feel prepared for the upcoming birth....well, as prepared as one can be I suppose.  I am still planning on doing things all natural, which I will be doing unless for some reason they need to do a c-section.

My mom and sister threw me a wonderful baby shower last month, and we received so many things that we needed (plus lots of clothes of course).  After that, we were able to decide on nursery furniture and have been working on getting the nursery finished.  Little man will be sleeping in our room for awhile, but we still want to have his room set up for later on.  It has been stressful for me (I'm not so great at organizing or making decisions on decor), but so much fun for my husband since I let him choose the theme and he is basically designing the man cave he never got.

Cloth diapers are all prepped and ready to be put on his little tush.  Clothes are washed and put away.  Things are really coming together :)

Here's the lowdown:
Size of baby: honeydew melon

Physical symptoms: swollen ankles, huge belly

Weight gain/loss: probably close to 35 lbs, geez

Maternity clothes: Even the maternity clothes don't fit as well these days

Stretch marks: just the boobs still

Sleep: Awful.  I wake up at least 4-5 times a night to pee, and the little sleep I do get isn't great.  Preparing for baby I suppose

Best moment since last week:  finally deciding on a name!

Movement: It's like there is an alien inside of me

Cravings/Aversions:  love sweets

Gender: Boy!!!!

Labor signs: lots of Braxton Hicks contractions

Belly button:  ready to pop out any day now

What I miss: sleep, shoes that fit, being able to shave my hoo-ha without a mirror

What I am looking forward to: meeting my little boy...only 5 weeks!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

3rd Trimester!

Wow, has it really been 4 weeks since I last posted?  Sorry folks, I guess there just hasn't been much to tell.  I'm struggling with what to say on this blog now that I am finally expecting my I'll just stick to the boring ol' updates.

How far along: 28 weeks...there are several different ideas on when each trimester starts, but I am going to say that 28 weeks sounds good for the 3rd trimester :)

Size of baby: eggplant

Physical symptoms: cankles...oh the horror!  Everything else is pretty much the same

Weight gain/loss: Much higher than I expected at this point...let's call it 26 lbs.  Ouch

Maternity clothes: Yup

Stretch marks: Boobs only...hoping since I have gone this long without stretch marks on my belly that I can avoid them altogether.

Sleep: Eh...I'm so uncomfortable, so it's hard to fall asleep.  Once I do, though, I guess I sleep alright.

Best moment since last week:  Making it to the 3rd trimester!

Movement: Tons.  I've gotten to see my belly move a little too, which is awesome.

Cravings/Aversions:  Poppyseed muffins...random.  Still dislike chicken

Gender: Boy!!!!

Labor signs: Nope

Belly button:  half n half

What I miss: fitting in my shoes :(

What I am looking forward to: meeting my new OBGYN July 1st...hoping that I get a better vibe from this one so that I can stop worrying so much about what my birth experience will be like.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

24 weeks

How far along: 24w1d

Size of baby: Cantaloupe...damn that's big

Physical symptoms: cankles (probably time to give up on the heels at work), huge boobs, itchy belly

Weight gain/loss: I don't even wanna talk about it

Maternity clothes: Yup, love them.

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Pregnancy pillow has saved my life.  I'm getting up slightly less to pee, which helps too

Best moment since last week:  Nothing major has happened with the pregnancy since last week.

Movement: Tons.  It is such an amazing feeling.

Cravings/Aversions:  All I think about are donuts

Gender: Boy!!!!

Labor signs: nope

Belly button:  stretched-out innie...slowly becoming an outie

What I miss:  my ankle bones

What I am looking forward to: seeing the movement happen...I love watching the videos of this, and can't wait to have my own little "alien" move around so I can see it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

23 weeks...

Hi y'all.  Sorry that I totally suck at posting these days.  Truth is, there isn't much to say.  Things are progressing normally, and for that I am thrilled.  Things at home are stressful.  We are still trying to find a new place to live, and the choices are really slim where we are.  Hopefully we will find something soon so we can be moved in before things get real crazy with baby coming.  For now, all of his things are in boxes, and I am stressing that I can't start setting up a room yet.  How will I nest without a home to nest in?  Anyway, if you care, the updates are below.


How far along: 23 weeks

Size of baby: pomegranate

Physical symptoms: cankles, leg and hip cramps, lower back pain, constipation...overall "large-ness" haha

Weight gain/loss: 19 lbs...ouch

Maternity clothes: Yup, love them.

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Well it got pretty bad, so I finally bought a pregnancy pillow.  So far, it seems to be helping at least a little.  Hey, I'll take what I can get at this point!

Best moment since last week:  Feeling him move on the outside!

Movement: I've been feeling a ton of movement for the last week or so, but yesterday, I finally felt him move on the outside.  It was awesome, and I am starting to feel more secure now that I can feel him daily.

Cravings/Aversions:  Same.  Love everything bad for me, which is why I am already up 19 lbs. :(

Gender: Boy!!!!

Labor signs: nope

Belly button:  stretched-out innie...slowly becoming an outie

What I miss:  Booze, sleeping on my back, walking up stairs without losing my breath

What I am looking forward to: my shower!  It is so hard not to buy things all the time, but I am trying to wait until after my shower

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day...

I've been trying to find the words for how I am feeling today, but I just can't.

I am sitting here feeling my little boy move, and I feel joy.

But I also hurt for those around me that are still struggling.  Though we worked hard and suffered many years of waiting for this, I know others have been through more and may never get to experience what I currently am.

I hurt for those that have lost their moms and those moms that have lost their children.

I feel guilty that I am experiencing joy while others are experiencing so much sadness.  While I remember being there, it doesn't ease the guilt.

My thoughts are with all of you today.

Don't give up hope.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Halfway there....what's between it's legs?

How far along: 20 weeks --- halfway there!  I never ever ever thought we would be here

Size of baby: banana?  weird

Physical symptoms: Constipation, huge boobs (finally had to bite the bullet and buy a new bra).  Thank you to those that gave me suggestions for my itchiness...I am using cocoa butter and it feels great

Weight gain/loss: 12-ish pounds

Maternity clothes: Yup, love them.

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Better as long as I am able to find a good position.

Best moment since last week:  Our 20-week scan today.  Baby is measuring about 4-5 days ahead, so we are right on track.  It was crazy to see the whole skeleton, the brain, everything.  Pure heaven.

Movement: A couple flutters here and there that may have been gas...the little peanut was moving tons in the scan, and I couldn't even feel it.

Cravings/Aversions:  Same.

Gender: Boy!!!!  I was sure it was a girl, so I was shocked when the tech told me.  And I had her check twice just to make sure.  No mistaking it...he is ALL boy haha

Labor signs: nope

Belly button:  stretched-out innie

What I miss:  Booze, sleeping on my back, walking up stairs without losing my breath

What I am looking forward to: All I want to do right now is buy little boy things....but I know I should wait for my shower.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

3+ weeks of updates...

Wow, I just realized I haven't updated since the 16-week mark.  My bad!  I've been so busy at work, and honestly, just haven't had much to report on the baby front.  Things are still moving along.  Update below if there's even anyone left reading this boring blog haha!
How far along: 19w3d

Size of baby: mango

Physical symptoms: Constipation, huge boobs, itchy stomach (and I haven't found anything I like to rub on my belly since I had an allergic reaction to Bio-Oil), heartburn.

Weight gain/loss: As of this morning, I am up 12 lbs according to my scale...but at my doctor's appointment this week, they said 8 lbs, so let's go with that :)

Maternity clothes: Oh yeah.  Finally broke down and bought some shorts because it is so damn hot here in Central California.  My belly has rounded out quite a bit so now I fit better in all the cute clothes at the maternity store.

Stretch marks: Boobs only, thank goodness!

Sleep: Better.  I'm waking up more during the night to pee, and having a hard time getting comfortable to fall asleep, but I think I am sleeping a bit better when I do.

Best moment since last week:  Had an OB appointment this past week.  I was really nervous about my appointment (like always), but I heard the heartbeat, so I feel a little better now.  Also, the doctor said he could tell on the doppler when the baby kicked!

Movement: I actually felt the first flutter after my last post, right at about 16.5 weeks, but hadn't felt anything definite since, which is why I was nervous for my appointment last week.  But I think I felt something today :)

Cravings/Aversions:  Same.  Chicken weirds me out.  Obsessed with spicy/salty/sour/sweet anything

Gender: We have our 20-week ultrasound this week!  Hopefully the little nugget cooperates and we can find out finally!

Labor signs: nope

Belly button:  Innie...but slowly working it's way out I think.

What I miss:  Booze

What I am looking forward to:  gender scan!!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

16 week update

How far along: 16w3d

Size of baby: avocado

Physical symptoms: Constipation

Weight gain/loss: 8 lbs...yikes that snuck up on me

Maternity clothes: Pants only 

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Better

Best moment since last week:  I dunno, nothing has really happened. 

Movement: Hopefully soon

Cravings/Aversions:  Mexican food, Thai food, sour candy, fire hot cheetos

Gender: Hopefully after my next OB appointment next month

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie, although it's already starting to look stretched out

What I miss:  Booze

What I am looking forward to:  I wanna know if it's Team Blue or Team Pink!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

15 weeks!

How far along: 15 weeks

Size of baby: apple (seriously, these size comparisons do not seem realistic to me)

Physical symptoms: Same shit, different day. Constipation.  Heartburn.  Leg cramps.  Huge boobs.  Adorable bump.

Weight gain/loss: Still going with 5 lbs. up

Maternity clothes: Yup.  And I am obsessed with cozy maxi skirts/dresses.

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Getting a little better.

Best moment since last week:  Hearing the heartbeat again, and knowing that my little bean is okay :)

Movement: Hopefully in the next couple of weeks!

Cravings/Aversions:  Mexican food, Thai food, sour candy

Gender: Not yet, but I'm dying to know!

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Booze

What I am looking forward to:  I wanna know if it's Team Blue or Team Pink!!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Second OB

Waited over an hour to see the doctor today...after which he proceeded to spend a total of less than 5 minutes with me.  I hate modern healthcare practices.  I did get to hear the heartbeat, which is always wonderful.  But only for about 20 seconds.  Thank goodness I don't have to pay a co-pay with my insurance, or I would be even more pissed.

I really wish I had some better options where I live.  Honestly, I just wish I lived somewhere else.

Is this normal or do I just have a shitty doctor?  I know I should count myself as lucky that I am low-risk and have had an "easy pregnancy" so far, but it is so frustrating to feel like this doctor doesn't see me as anything other than another chart.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Hello 2nd Trimester!!!

Sorry I haven't really posted much on here lately, but there really hasn't been much to blog about.  I've been super tired working all the time, and I am sick of coming home to my dirty house...but I just don't have enough energy left to clean.  Because of this, and after complaining to my poor hubby the past few days, I decided to talk to my boss today and we agreed that I should shorten my hours to part-time.  I am so thrilled with this decision.  It will stink to lose the little bit of extra income, but it is more than worth it to finally have some time to get everything done that I have put off since starting work last month.

The baby will be here in less than 6 months (madness!), and before then we have to find a new place to live, pack up our whole house, and actually move.  This may sound crazy to those that follow along and know that we have only actually lived in our current house for less than a year.  But the truth is, I made a really bad choice when I picked this house.  The house itself is fine--although too big for our little family--and the neighborhood is safe, but it's way more than the housing allowance the military offers for this area.  And then when you add utilities on top of that...let's just say it's not a sound financial decision, especially when we are adding another little person to our family.  So now we have to downsize right before we upsize (is that a word?  It is now) our family.  Anyway, my point was that I need this extra time to prepare for all of these things and also try to throw some exercise and sleep into the mix before my ass gets out of control.


Now for the weekly details:

How far along: 14w1d (yay for 2nd trimester!)

Size of baby: Lemon!

Physical symptoms: Constipation.  Heartburn.  Leg cramps.  Back pain.  Exhaustion.  (but honestly, none of them are that bad, so I'm not complaining.  I know I'm getting off easy so far!)

Weight gain/loss: Who knows anymore?  It fluctuates a lot these days.  I'm gonna call it +5

Maternity clothes: Love them, but I really only use them for work.  On the weekend, I live in leggings (okay, those are also maternity) and maxi dresses.  I only have one pair of jeans that still fit me, but it doesn't make sense to spend a ton on maternity jeans when it is already over 70 degrees most days here.

Stretch marks: Boobs only

Sleep: Getting a little better.

Best moment since last week:  Not pregnancy related, but my husband took me to Santa Cruz for my bday last weekend, which was amazing :)

Movement: Hopefully in the next couple of weeks!

Cravings/Aversions:  Mexican food, Thai food, sour candy

Gender: Not yet

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Booze

What I am looking forward to:  Finding out the gender.  I wanna buy cute little boy or girl things!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Better late then never, right?

How far along: 13 weeks (sorry, I missed a week)

Size of baby: Peach...mmmm a peach sounds good

Physical symptoms: Nausea is gone, besides when I wait too long to eat.  Constipation is a bitch.  Nipples are getting all weird now.  Belly is firm.  Heartburn started up.  You know.  Pregnant stuff.

Weight gain/loss: Well, I definitely gained 2 lbs overnight.  No, really.  Overnight.  So I estimate I am up 6 lbs now.

Maternity clothes: Rockin them whenever possible.  So comfy and so much easier then trying to pretend that I fit it anything else.

Stretch marks: Boobs only at this point (let's hope it stays that way!)

Sleep: Sucks.  I can't get comfortable, so I wake up a lot.  I haven't bitten the bullet and bought the pregnancy pillow yet, mainly because I'm worried about it fitting in bed with us.

Best moment since last week:  Having someone actually touch my belly and comment on how firm it is, and I like that I finally feel like my belly looks like I'm actually pregnant :)

Movement: Way too early, but I can't wait!

Cravings/Aversions:  Mexican food still rocks my world.  Spicy everything.  Sour/sweet candy.  Still grossed out by chicken cooked at home.

Gender: Hopefully only 7 weeks away from finding out!

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Beer.  Margaritas.  I think you can see where this is going...

What I am looking forward to:  Finding out the gender.  The suspense is killing me!

Friday, February 21, 2014

Almost too tired to even write this post...

How far along: 11 + 2 weeks

Size of baby: Lime...although I have no idea where they come up with these comparisons.  The baby is supposedly only like 1.6 inches...and I've never seen a lime that small!

Physical symptoms: Nausea has gotten much better this week.  As long as I don't get too hungry, I'm usually ok.  Speaking of hungry...damn, I just ate a sandwich and I feel starved again.  This is starting to make me nervous, like I'm doing something wrong.  I'm also EXHAUSTED.  One day this week, I feel asleep on the couch at 7:30.  I have a really hard time making it through some days.  Also, the constipation is pretty constant.  I can't believe I keep forgetting to mention this---it has actually been going on for a couple of weeks now.

Weight gain/loss: I'm going to go with 3-4 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Still just pants.  My belly is actually looking like a bump now (a small one), which I am loving showing off.   I've started embracing the bump by wearing tighter shirts so people can see it is a bump and not a food baby.

Stretch marks: Still just on my boobies.

Sleep: I'm having trouble getting comfortable.  I've thought about getting a pregnancy pillow, but it seems like a whole lot of money to spend on something that I don't even know if I will like.

Best moment since last week: Getting to hear the baby's heartbeat.  I had my first OB appointment and he was able to find it with the doppler for the first time.  Love that sound!  Oh, and I bought my first ring sling!  Yay for babywearing :)

Movement: Way too early, but I can't wait!

Cravings/Aversions:  Still grossed out by chicken, especially leftovers.  I feel like I could eat Mexican food every day.  Seriously.  Every day.

Gender: We decided to skip the elective ultrasound, so we won't find out until about 20 weeks.  I can't wait!!

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Staying up past 8 pm!

What I am looking forward to:  my next ultrasound on Monday :)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Double Digits!

How far along: 10 weeks

Size of baby: kumquat

Physical symptoms: The nausea is getting better every day.  I'm still hungry a lot, but I know that is mainly my own fault.  I need to be better about eating before I get hungry because I'm starting to feel like I'm not getting enough nutrients, and that makes me nervous.  I just want my baby to be healthy!

Weight gain/loss: Still up about 3 lbs from the beginning of our IVF cycle.

Maternity clothes: Just pants.  They are still big on me, and I notice that they get pretty baggy by the end of the day...but they are better than my unbuttoned regular pants.

Stretch marks: Still just on my boobies.

Sleep: I don't get up as much throughout the night to pee, so I sleep better.  Although I have vivid, freaky dreams every night.

Best moment since last week: I finally am getting the hang of my new job, and it feels great to be busy during the day (and I will have extra money for baby stuff!)

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions:  Still no major cravings.  Chicken is still a problem.  For some reason, I am fine if I eat it at a restaurant, but grossed out eating homemade chicken.  Weird.

Gender: Too early to tell.

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Sleeping without dreams...I have some weird-ass dreams every night!

What I am looking forward to:  Our first OB appointment next week!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

9 weeks...and a new job!

So, I started a new job this week.  I had pretty much given up on finding anything since I have lived her for like 8 months now and never had any luck, and then I had to put the job hunt on hold so we could do IVF without any scheduling issues.  This opportunity came out of nowhere.  I had actually interviewed for a different job with the same company a few months ago and never heard back...but then the HR rep thought of me for this position.  Very sweet, especially considering I don't actually have any experience in this field, nor do I have a bachelor's degree, which is required.  The manager loved me though when I interviewed, and they hired me on as a temp to get around the particulars.  I went back and forth deciding whether I should take the job or not.  After all, starting a new job (that you have no experience with) can be daunting when you are already 9 weeks pregnant.  But, I really needed to get out of the house....and our checking account was getting way too low between my husband's paychecks.  So I took the job and here I am.

It's been a tough week so far.  I am still nauseous in the morning, which makes eating hard.  But if I don't eat, it gets much worse.  And I've had a hard time packing enough food to snack on throughout the day.  Thankfully, they are really cool with food being at your desk, so I have't had an issue stuffing my face all day long.  The company is great, and everyone is SUPER nice (plus I am actually meeting people, which has not happened since moving here), so hopefully things will start to click soon and I will decide to stay.  Now I just need to buy more pants that fit my fat ass!

Now for an update:

How far along: 9 weeks

Size of baby: Grape

Physical symptoms: Nausea has subsided for the most I only experience it first thing in the morning.  I'm still hungry ALL THE TIME, which wouldn't be so bad, except I started a new job and it is harder to make sure I pack enough snacks for the whole day.

Weight gain/loss: Haven't weighed myself in a couple days, but I think I'm up around 3 lbs now.  It's hard to remember what I weighed before all this started though since IVF through everything outta wack.

Maternity clothes: Yes.  I was able to wear my maternity work pants this week for the first time.  They are super comfy, but still a little big in random areas.  However, still much better than when I wear my regular pants and have to wear a long shirt to hide the fact that I can't button them.

Stretch marks: Still just on my boobies.

Sleep: Sleep is getting a little better, mainly because I am so exhausted after work that I barely make it to 8 before starting to fall asleep.

Best moment since last week: Nothing has really happened...

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions:  Still no major cravings.  Still not a fan of chicken.

Gender: Too early to tell.

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Being able to go more than an hour between meals!

What I am looking forward to:  Our first OB appointment 2 weeks from today!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

8 weeks

Today was amazing.  I was so nervous about our appointment at the RE because I was afraid that they would tell me that he/she had stopped growing or something else terrible.  Surprisingly (to me), everything was perfect.  Baby is measuring exactly 8 weeks today.  Heartrate was 167 bpm.  We didn't get to see any movement, but it was so wonderful to actually see something.  The husband and I were so excited that we decided to go ahead and do the ol' Facebook post.  I guess that makes it official.  Hopefully that doesn't bite me in the ass!  I always figured I would announce early, though, since I didn't want to have to hide it later if something happened.  I didn't want to have to explain things.  This way, people can share in the good news and hopefully will send me some hand-me-down baby things! haha

How far along: 8 weeks

Size of baby: Raspberry

Physical symptoms: Same as before.  I pretty much still spend the whole day alternating between being starving and nauseous.  No vomiting yet.  Bloating is better than before, but gets worse at night.  So at night, it looks like I am showing even though it is still so early.

Weight gain/loss: Still up about a pound.

Maternity clothes: I pretty much have lived in sweats the past

Stretch marks: Only on my boobies

Sleep: Sleep is pretty much crap now.  I toss and turn and have crazy ass dreams all night, plus I pee like every 2-3 hours.

Best moment since last week: Our ultrasound this morning.  Seeing and hearing that heartbeat still takes my breath away.  I was so afraid they wouldn't find anything today, and there he/she was.

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings/Aversions:  No real cravings, although I tend to lean toward food that is bad for me.  I know, big surprise.  Why can't I crave salad?  As far as aversions go, I'm having a little trouble with meat, especially chicken, which I usually eat all the time.  I cannot handle raw chicken at all and leftover chicken makes me feel like throwing up.

Gender: Still dreaming about baby girls.  Husband is convinced it's a boy.

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss:  Normal sleep, feeling like myself

What I am looking forward to:  Our first OB appointment next month!

On a separate best friend had her son this past weekend.   She had to have an emergency c-section, and he was born small, but luckily he is thriving and is just beautiful.  She is being released from the hospital today, and I know it is hard that she has to leave him behind at the hospital.  So please keep them in your thoughts (and prayers if you go for that sort of thing).  Thanks!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

7 weeks!

How far along: 7 weeks

Size of baby: Blueberry

Physical symptoms: Boobies are still sore, and they are getting even larger.  As far as morning sickness goes, I now have nausea pretty much all day, even though I haven't actually thrown up.  To be more accurate, I alternate between nausea and being starving.  Sometimes I can't even tell the difference.  No, I am not complaining, because I know that morning all-day sickness means the baby is still in there.

Weight gain/loss: I think I'm up about a pound now.  It's hard to tell, though, since I can't tell the difference between IVF bloat and pregnancy bloat anymore.

Maternity clothes: I went maternity shopping with my best friend (who is ready to pop), and bought 2 pairs of work pants and an adorable shirt.  My BFF also gave me a ton of hand-me-down maternity clothes, which is awesome.  I can actually wear almost everything now with plenty of room to grow.  And the pants are actually adorable! (plus, I love how the stretchy panel holds everything in.  No more love handles haha!

Stretch marks: Not yet

Sleep: I still fall asleep pretty quick, but I am now waking up 2-3 times a night to pee.  The dreams are getting weirder and more vivid, which also keeps me from sleeping very soundly.

Best moment since last week: Well, as odd as it sounds, the morning sickness showing up.  I feel like it is proof that something is going on inside of me, even if it isn't a whole lot of fun.

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings:  I think it's still early for craving, although I begged the husband to bring me ice cream yesterday after work.  I don't know that it was a craving---I'm pretty sure I'm just a fat ass.

Gender: Still way too early, but I am so eager to find out!  (I did have an amazing dream about having a baby girl)

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss: Margaritas, cold lunchmeat, a normal appetite.

What I am looking forward to:  Our 8-week ultrasound next week!

Thursday, January 16, 2014


Well, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and start tracking how things are progressing.  Sorry if you think this is cliche, but this blog is like a journal, and I would love to be able to look back on this later and remember what was going on.  So here goes...

How far along: 6w1d

Size of baby: sweet pea

Physical symptoms: sore boobies, some nausea, weird pain in my rib cage, exhaustion

Weight gain/loss: I actually lost 2 lbs, because my body is still adjusting after IVF and trying to get back to normal.

Maternity clothes: I actually bought maternity leggings because all my regular ones cut into my tummy.  I do have to use the rubber band trick on most of my pants, and I definitely have to wear baggy clothes or else people think I'm 3 months pregnant already!

Stretch marks: Not yet

Sleep: I fall asleep fast, but I wake up a lot to pee during the night and also because I have some weird-ass dreams.  I toss and turn a lot due to being uncomfortable.

Best moment since last week: Our first ultrasound yesterday!  We got to see and hear the heartbeat, which was amazing.

Movement: Way too early.

Cravings: Not yet.  I'm hungry all the time though, and almost everything sounds good.  I do really want a cold turkey sandwich, but that is probably just because I'm trying to stay away from lunchmeat for the most part, so I just want what I can't have.

Gender: Still way too early.

Labor signs: Way too early!

Belly button:  Innie

What I miss: Alcohol!  I know that sounds awful, but a margarita just sounds so awesome to me all the time, and a virgin just doesn't cut it.

What I am looking forward to:  Our next ultrasound in 2 weeks :)

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

We have a heartbeat!

Today I am officially 6 weeks pregnant, and we had our first ultrasound with the RE.  I was nervous about what to expect since it is still so early, but luckily they have great equipment.  We were able to see our baby and its perfect little heart beating.  Seeing that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen...and hearing the heartbeat was the best sound.  It looks like the baby is measuring 5w6d, which is just a day behind.  And the heartbeat was 104 bpm.  I thought that sounded low based on what everyone else always reports...until the doctor reminded me that the heart didn't even start beating until a couple of days ago, so it is still warming up.  Besides, we are so lucky to have heard anything this early.  Most pregnant women don't get to hear the heartbeat until 8 or 9 weeks when they have their first ultrasound.

I feel like I was finally able to let out the breath I had been holding since we first got our positive test.  This really worked.  I'm shocked, to be honest.  I know I was spouting all this positivity, but it was mainly all for show.  I was pretty sure that this would not work the first IVF cycle.  I am so thankful that I was proven wrong.

Things feel more real now.  But I still feel like a fraud.  I lurk through baby stores and sneak around the maternity department, convinced that people are looking at me wondering what the hell I am doing there.  And I am having trouble finding where I belong with this.  I may be pregnant, but I still think like an infertile.  I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I tried joining a couple of pregnancy forums, and instantly went to the Birth Month section so that I could talk to other women going through the same things as me.  Except they aren't.  Okay, that's not fair.  They are going through the same thing, technically.  But most of them talk about basically just looking at their husband and getting pregnant....or they are on their 3rd or 4th kid already.  They have flat stomachs that they are showing off, looking for a bump that hasn't formed yet---I am trying to hide the fact that I already look 3 months pregnant most days because of the bloat left over from the IVF and the fact that my ovaries are still quite enlarged.  And I am so happy about this pregnancy, but I am also scared.  Like all the time.  When will that pass?  When I am out of the first trimester?  The second?  Or not until my baby is in my arms?  I just want to be a normal person that is excited about her first pregnancy, basking in that glow that everyone talks about.

Okay, end of vent.  I just had to get those feelings out before I exploded.

On another note, the nausea kicked in for real today.  I didn't actually throw up, but I did have to choke down some saltines first thing this morning to avoid it.  Yet, even though I'm nauseous, I am also starving.  Like All.The.Time.  It's ridiculous.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Why does time move so slowly?

I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting my first ultrasound this week.  Wednesday cannot get here fast enough.

Currently, the only symptom I have is sore boobies.  I have felt a tad bit of nausea both last night and this morning, but I'm honestly not sure if it is in my head or not since I've been waiting for it to show up.  Who thought I would ever look forward to getting sick?

Nobody better throw that line back at me when it really does kick in and I'm miserably hugging the toilet all day.

5w5d...I seriously have to wait 40 weeks to meet this kid?!  Torture.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Not a whole lot going on over here...

As the title states, there's not much going on right now.  My last interaction with my doctor's office was a call the day after my 2nd beta last week.  My case manager called to let me know that my progesterone and estradiol numbers were well above the standard they hope for, so I was able to stop the estrace and endometrin supplements (yay!).  So now I am only taking my daily prenatal vitamin and low-dose aspirin, which I will continue until after my first ultrasound and the doctor gives me the OK.

Symptoms?  I definitely feel different, but the symptoms are so far from what I expected that everything worries me.  So far, I have experienced awful cramping on and off throughout the day and night---although it is less frequent since stopping the supplements.  My boobs are enlarged and sore (last night I woke up to pee and almost cried out because my boobs hurt so bad).  And they have lovely blue veins running through them.  I started getting small bouts of chest tightness/shortness of breath the a couple of nights ago.  It made me panic, which of course only made it worse.  From what I've read, it is normal and most likely caused by the rise in hormones.  I'll have to check with the doc if it continues.  I get up to pee like 2-3 times a night, which is totally not normal for me.  Oh, and I don't sleep.  Well, not comfortably or in long stretches.

No real morning sickness yet, but it's still early.  I had a little nausea today, but nothing extreme.  Until that happens, I don't really believe I'm pregnant.  Who am I kidding?  I won't believe I'm pregnant until I actually am in the stirrups in the delivery room.

By my calculations, I am currently 4w5d pregnant today.  First ultrasound is next week.  Don't know what to expect, as some people seem to see something that early, and some people don't.  I'll be holding my breath at least until I hear a heartbeat.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Thank you!

I just wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of support you have all shown me the last few days.  It is more than I expected, and more than I'm sure I deserve.  So thank you!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The results are in...

Beta #1 (12/31/13): 169
Beta #2 (1/02/14): 383!

We're pregnant!

I'm still a little in shock, to be honest.  Sorry for the delay in posting, but we wanted to wait a few days to let the news sink in.

Looks like a viable pregnancy so far.  It is officially the first for me, so I have no idea what to expect from here.  I feel like a fraud, like I shouldn't be telling people.  Like everyone is judging our decision to share the news so early, because, What If?  I decided I can't live my life that way, and even if this is as far as things go, I wanted others to share in our joy that we have waited so long for.  It has been 5 long years of pain, suffering, frustration, and treatments.  I have waited my whole life to see those 2 lines on the damn HPT that mocked me for so long.

We are only sharing the news with close friends and family for now, so if you know me in real life, please do not share this info with anyone or post anything on FB.

Symptoms so far?  I am cramping like a mother-f***er!  Everyone says it is normal, especially after IVF, since my ovaries are still enlarged and my uterus is starting to expand.  But damn, is it uncomfortable!  I know, I am such a baby.  And I definitely shouldn't be complaining.  I've waited my whole life for cramps like these.  But they worry me.

Who am I kidding?  Everything worries me.

**For those reading this that are struggling with infertility, please know that I completely understand if you hate me for this post.  I have been there.  I even understand if you stop reading now.  Been there too.  But I hope that this can provide some sort of hope for everyone.

Wow, I hope this post didn't jinx things...

Thank you for all of your kind comments and support.  I could not have made it this far without you, and I am so grateful to have this community!