Monday, April 8, 2013


Sorry that I have been so out of touch lately. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are doing an IVF cycle next month and sort out my feelings about it. Here is what I'm feeling right now:

For those of you that are not going though the fertility journey, I'm sure that reading through some of this stuff makes your brain hurt. Well, all of the terms and abbreviations are second nature to those of us in the midst of it. Or so I thought. IVF is a whole new ball game, filled with new meds and terms. I have been researching it every free moment I have at work, and it seems like every answer I find only makes me think of a other question I have.

Oh my, I am nervous about everything as a rule. But this is on a new level. I'm nervous about the timing, nervous about the protocol Dr. M has chosen, nervous about emptying our savings and going into more debt over a procedure that is not a sure thing, nervous about taking a zillion shots that will not only bruise my bottom but also very possibly make me a raving hormonal lunatic, nervous that the meds won't work so they cancel the cycle, nervous the husband's sperm won't fertilize my eggs. What if it works? That brings on all kinds of different nerves that fertile women probably just skip to at this point.

This is a big one. I'm afraid that it won't work. This may be our only shot before just going back to the natural way. We cannot afford to do this more than once, at least not now. Yes, I know I am supposed to think positively here, but I am a habitually negative person. You can't just tell me to think of the glass as half full when I have convinced myself these past 28 years that the damn glass is half empty. Please do not insert some comment here that I have not gotten pregnant yet because I am not a positive person, or that half-empty glass may just go flying across the room. Sorry, that was a little dramatics but you get the idea.

This is an interesting feeling I am having. I never thought we would be going through IVF. I think it is a wonderful science, and I am happy for any person that has done it and had it result in a child. I am not conflicted for religious reasons or anything. I don't believe that whole camp that says if God wanted me to have a baby, then he would have blessed me with one naturally blah blah blah. No, that's definitely not it. I just don't like the idea that I wasn't able to do this on my own (well, with the husband's help, of course). It makes me feel like a bit of a failure, which I hate.

Here is a feeling I am used to having, since I am anxious about pretty much everything in my life. I am trying very hard to ignore this feeling since it certainly won't help in this process, and I need to give us the biggest chance for success that I can. I am crocheting up a storm now, which helps occupy my mind and lower my stress level. I am working on opening my own Etsy store to sell my wares, but not stressing about it since that would be counterproductive. I did post it on my Facebook page though, and am already filling orders for my friends. This keeps me busy and also will hopefully help raise the money for IVF.

So there it is in black and white. I feel like a little bit of a weight has been lifted from my chest having said those things out loud. Yes, I read my posts out loud to edit them. It's not weird.

Oh yeah, an update is needed as well. I started BCP on Friday to prepare for my IVF cycle. It is making me feel sick, which I remember from when I was younger and used to have to stay home from school the first day of every new pack of pills because of how sick they made me. Oh joy. I am trying to take them with food and at night to help with the side effects, and that seems to be working. My Menopur and Gonal-F have been ordered from and should hopefully ship this week. My IVF cycle should start at the end of the month. I will continue to update as the craziness continues.


  1. I am in agreement with you. IVF is a whole 'nother level of infertility and there is a lot to do and remember. Can't wait to read your updates because Hubs and I are looking at IVF ourselves. Know you have many of us cheering for you guys!

    1. Thanks Risa! I will try to post as much as I can once the cycle starts and hopefully it'll clear some things up for you too :)

  2. IVF scares me so much. Not because of the shots of monitoring, but because of the cost! We are going to do IVF in 2014, if we dont get a BFP before that. I hope this is the cycel for you! Risa is right, we are all cheering for you!!

    1. The cost definitely freaks me out! Hopefully you won't have to move on to IVF yourself. Thanks for the support :)