Tuesday, August 6, 2013


AF showed up in full force this morning---first thing.  It is such a lovely way to wake up.  What makes it worse is that I had such high hopes for this cycle and had actually bought some cheap HPTs yesterday that I planned on using tomorrow.  I don't know why I thought this cycle would be any different.  I guess I was just hopeful since my luteal phase and cycle in general have gotten longer the past few cycles, and then the timing seemed so perfect this month.  Plus, I just "felt" different.  I should know better by know than to play the symptom-spotting game, but it is so hard to not look for those things when you want something so badly.

The husband's 29th birthday is this month.  I had hoped to be able to surprise him with an early birthday present.  I will just add this to the past birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays---4 years of dates that I thought I could make extra special with the ultimate gift, but couldn't.

I had a vivid, emotional dream last night about my mother in law.  We were at her memorial BBQ (which was last weekend on what would have been her birthday), and all of a sudden she was sitting there next to me.  She said she missed us, and I told her that we missed her so much.  She asked me to take care of her son, which I of course promised that I would do.  I woke up with tears running down my face.  It was so emotional, but it made me feel at peace as well.  Even though I don't usually believe in signs, I thought that maybe the dream meant that I was pregnant.  It kills me that she couldn't see her son as a father before she died, and she wanted it to happen so badly for us, so I thought that she was my sign.  Especially since I haven't dreamed about her since she died earlier this year.

But no.

Instead, I had to tell her son that he isn't going to be a father.  Again.  How many times will I have to do this?  I'm only human.  My heart can only handle so much.

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