Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Will it ever happen for me?

Today I am feeling quite alone.

Being unemployed means spending all most of my day on the computer.  I'd love to say that I spend my free time being crafty and productive, etc.  But let's face it---I really sit on my couch and browse the web while watching HGTV.  Once I have checked every job search website known to man, I browse Craigslist for furniture and then stalk see what my friends are up to on Facebook.  Then, and only then, do I allow myself to venture onto Blogger to see what everyone else is up to in the blogging world.  Once I check up on my favorites, I look for new infertile bloggers from their favorites lists.  This used to be a comfort zone for me.  But lately, the blogosphere is just about as unsafe as the real world.

Today, I followed my usual routine and opened up a bunch of new browser tabs with new-to-me infertility blogs.  The first one I found had a blogger announcing her pregnancy.  The second one had a blogger talking about the first few weeks of her pregnancy.  The third one---well, you get the idea.  Although I hate to admit it, I closed the tabs because I couldn't read any more.

I am a horrible person.  I should read these posts and rejoice for these women.  Not only are they carrying life inside of them, but they are experiencing it after fighting for something so many others take for granted.  Years of pain, years of needles and tears, years of getting over hurdles much larger than mine.  I should feel like there is still hope, because if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.  How can I be so selfish?

The truth is, I am happy for these people.  I promise.  But I am also sad for me.  I have never experienced a pregnancy.  Not even for a minute.  Seeing all of these positives makes me feel like I am the only one that hasn't seen those two pink lines.  Deep down, I know that's not true.  But on days like this, my heart blocks out the logic in my head.  Instead, it buries itself deeper to try and hide from the pain.

Please know that this post has nothing to do with the joy that these other women are experiencing.  Babies are wonderful and every woman deserves her chance to be a mom if she wants to be one.  Even though I wish on everything that I could have my chance to be pregnant, I wouldn't want it to come at the expense of another.


  1. I think you stole these thoughts straight from my mind. I feel ya... I have had a hard time with all the pregnancy announcements, wondering if I would ever be one of them.

    We will, you and I both. We have to have faith in that. Wishing you your BFP!

    1. Thanks for the encouragement Sarah! Wishing it for all of us :)