Will it ever happen for me?

Today I am feeling quite alone.

Being unemployed means spending all most of my day on the computer.  I'd love to say that I spend my free time being crafty and productive, etc.  But let's face it---I really sit on my couch and browse the web while watching HGTV.  Once I have checked every job search website known to man, I browse Craigslist for furniture and then stalk see what my friends are up to on Facebook.  Then, and only then, do I allow myself to venture onto Blogger to see what everyone else is up to in the blogging world.  Once I check up on my favorites, I look for new infertile bloggers from their favorites lists.  This used to be a comfort zone for me.  But lately, the blogosphere is just about as unsafe as the real world.

Today, I followed my usual routine and opened up a bunch of new browser tabs with new-to-me infertility blogs.  The first one I found had a blogger announcing her pregnancy.  The second one had a blogger talking about the first few weeks of her pregnancy.  The third one---well, you get the idea.  Although I hate to admit it, I closed the tabs because I couldn't read any more.

I am a horrible person.  I should read these posts and rejoice for these women.  Not only are they carrying life inside of them, but they are experiencing it after fighting for something so many others take for granted.  Years of pain, years of needles and tears, years of getting over hurdles much larger than mine.  I should feel like there is still hope, because if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.  How can I be so selfish?

The truth is, I am happy for these people.  I promise.  But I am also sad for me.  I have never experienced a pregnancy.  Not even for a minute.  Seeing all of these positives makes me feel like I am the only one that hasn't seen those two pink lines.  Deep down, I know that's not true.  But on days like this, my heart blocks out the logic in my head.  Instead, it buries itself deeper to try and hide from the pain.

Please know that this post has nothing to do with the joy that these other women are experiencing.  Babies are wonderful and every woman deserves her chance to be a mom if she wants to be one.  Even though I wish on everything that I could have my chance to be pregnant, I wouldn't want it to come at the expense of another.

1 DPO...

Okay, I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but this is the number I'm sticking with.  I know I got my smiley face yesterday, but it was so early in the morning that I figure the surge started the night before.  And I had cramps yesterday which hopefully means my damn ovaries were working their magic.

If I am right, then our timing this month was just about perfect.

Or, was it?

Does it matter if the timing was perfect?  It hasn't mattered for any past natural TI cycles, nor has it worked for 5 IUI's.

Why are these the thoughts in my head today?  Or everyday, for that matter?

Welcome to yet another TWW...damn I hate this part of the month.

The smiley face brightens my day...

Isn't it crazy how that little smiley face on the OPK can brighten your whole day?  I've been in a funk the last couple of days and nervous I wouldn't get a positive since I haven't for the last 2 months.  But lo and behold, that face smiled right back at me today, and that gives me the hopes have been desperately lacking.

On another note, OPK's also cause me some anxiety because all of a sudden DTD is imperative, and that just takes all the magic out of it.  I feel guilty thinking that the damn test is the only reason I am pitting the moves on my husband.  Of course it's not the only reason, but that forced feeling is still there.  Anyone going through this can relate, I'm sure!

Off to a fun resume class (read the sarcasm in my words).  Happy hump day y'all!

New hair, new attitude...

Does anyone else change their hair when they need a change in attitude or perspective?  Those that know me know I change my hair All.The.Time.  Seriously, it's an addiction.  But I find that there isn't much else I seem to have control of in my life, so I think it is great to be able to change that one thing.  So here I am with yet a new hairdo and a new lease on life.  Okay, maybe not quite that dramatic, but you get the picture, right?

The hair has been lightened and cut (a lot), and I really do feel lighter because of it.  <-----see what I did there?  My hair is a metaphor for my outlook haha.

Luckily, I have a husband that is fully supportive of my ever-changing style, so I never feel self-conscious when I do these things.

Besides that, there isn't much else going on over here.  I'm currently on CD12.  No positive OPK yet.  We are pushing the TTC again, but not in a crazy way.  I told the husband that I want to try on our own until September.  If it doesn't happen by then, I will start the process of finding yet another doctor for yet another opinion.  We have changed our eating habits a lot and I have lost 12 lbs since the beginning of the year, so hopefully these little changes will be just the kick my reproductive system needs.  Otherwise, we will go back to the clinical way of doing things.

Have a great week folks!

CD2

As you can tell from the title, AF reared her ugly head again and today is CD2.  I am sad as always, but I already knew our timing sucked this month.  Maybe this month, right?

My high school reunion is in a couple months.  10 years---how the time flies.  It seems like I will be in a situation all too common for me.  Standing alone among a sea of moms and soon-to-be moms.  I guess the only high point will be that I can drink and stay out as late as I want because I'm not pregnant and I don't have to get home to the babysitter...so why doesn't that make me feel better?

I want to be rushing home to kiss pudgy cheeks goodnight.  I want to be round and plump and complaining that my feet don't fit into my heels and my dress makes me look fat...because it means I am carrying a beautiful life inside of me.  I want all of that.  But I don't have that.  And I don't know when---or if---I will have that.

It hurts.

Today we went to a work event for the husband.  As usual, we were one of the only couples without kids.  All the parents were hot and uncomfortable having to chase their kids around and keep track of them while not getting to enjoy themselves or even sit down and talk to grownups.  That's usual when they tell me "you are so smart to wait to have kids."

And I wished it was me.  Oh how I wished it was me out there.

On another note, my thoughts are with Risa over at http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Gray clouds...

Some days are harder than others.  For whatever reason, today was one of those days.

But I am proud of myself for getting off my ass and being productive instead of just watching TV all day and sulking like I usually do on days when the cloud hovers above me.  I ran on the treadmill, used my new sander to fix some issues on the shelves I've been working on, cleaned and mopped the kitchen, and swept the garage.  Now I am working on my crocheted blanket and watching Tombstone, waiting for the husband to finally get off work.

Today is CD27.  No sign of AF yet, but I know she is on her way.  I guess PMS played a part in my mood today.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully a new cycle, as well, because I hate the TWW.

New hobbies...

Since the job hunt is taking longer than I would like, I have taken up new hobbies.

Because I like am OBSESSED with HGTV, and I obviously have a lot of time on my hands to watch it, I have decided to try my hand at some DIY projets.  The husband made me some shelves (who knew he could do that?), which I am in the process of priming and painting for our family room wall.  I have been collecting wooden frames from thrift stores and flea markets, and then I am painting them all white.  In the end, they will fill up a wall in my new house, and that will make me happy.  I also found a great nightstand at the flea market that I will be sanding, priming, and painting to go in our bedroom.  You see, we have never bought furniture for our bedroom.  In truth, we haven't bought much furniture for our house, period.  At least, nothing nice.  We move a lot, which makes is hard to purchase things like that, since we never know if they will fit into the next house we live in.  Therefore, we buy cheap things, which end up making our home look like a college dorm instead of a grownup house that we can be proud to entertain in.  I am now using my ample time to try and create a better space for us, and it is fun and exciting for me!

I am also still crocheting, even though I took a bit of a hiatus and haven't had the motivation to open the Etsy store I had so many plans for.  Maybe now I should get the motivation since it would be nice to contribute to the family income!  I am in the process of making my first throw right now, and I am loving how it is turning out.  I also just ordered yarn to make my Momma some placemats that she requested from me months ago.  Like I said, I am trying to keep myself busy or else I will go crazy being in this house all day every day.

As far as my cycle goes, I am currently on CD 25.  This is actually a great sign.  The last couple of years, my cycle has only been 23-24 days long on average except when I was medicated.  Last month, my cycle was a natural 28 days long!  Hopefully this means that I am making some positive changes with my diet and everything and that my cycle will continue to look this great.  The bad news is I never got my positive OPK this month, and our timing was probably only so-so.  But I am staying positive.  I am surrounded by children and pregnant women....it's gotta be my turn at some point!  I can't wait to crochet a blanket for my own little one :)

Happy Sunday everyone!