Sad times...

Sorry, I have not really been around for the last few days.  We have been home in California with the husband's family.  We came here to be with my mother-in-law, but she passed yesterday.  I know that she is no longer in pain and that she is now in peace, but it is still a very sad time for my family.  I feel lucky that I was able to come home to see her and to say goodbye.  But I am sad and angry that she is gone.

I am sad that she will never get to see her baby (my husband) be a dad.  I am sad that my child(ren) will never get to know her.  She was a wonderful, giving, unselfish person that loved being a grandmother so much.  Her family was her life, and you could tell that by the number of people that were by her side when she died.

I am angry that my body is messed up somehow and I was unable to produce a grandchild for her before she died.  I am angry that my husband had to lose his mom at such a young age.  And I am angry that my father-in-law has lost his soulmate.

I have a hard time when the husband leaves for just a few weeks or months, and I cannot imagine losing him for good.  While I do not pray because I don't know what I believe in, my thoughts are with my husband's family during this hard time.  More than ever, I am glad that we will be moving closer to home so that we can help and support the family.  Please keep our family in your thoughts.

What anxiety does to me...

I just have to get this out there.  I am an incredibly anxious person.  I worry about pretty much everything all the time.  In fact, right now, I am worrying about what people are thinking about me writing about my anxiety.  I know, I'm a little nuts.  When I get anxious about something, like a social situation that makes me uncomfortable, I get flushed and jittery and my heart races.  But when my mind is just working overtime, sometimes my anxiety comes out in other ways.

I am a compulsive skin picker.  I know, that sounds disgusting.  It's probably not as bad as it sounds, but it's definitely not a good thing.  I pick the skin around my fingernails and my lips, mostly.  And then it upsets me to see what I have done to myself, so I try to fix it, which only means more picking.  It's unhealthy, and I hate it.  I try to stop all the time.  And the husband asks me to stop when he is around.  But I still do it.

I don't really know why I am writing about this.  I just feel like maybe putting it out there will help me to be more aware of it so that I can stop.  Please don't judge me.  I choose not to be on medication for anxiety, depression, etc...I like to self-treat because I don't believe in being hopped up on drugs.  This blog is a sort of treatment for me.  Maybe it will help with my anxiety and picking, and maybe it won't.  I'm willing to try just about anything to feel better.  If I ever do get the chance to be a mom, I don't want to pass any of my craziness on to my little ones.  If I am self-assured and confident, maybe they will be too.  If I am an anxiety-ridden mess, I don't want them to be that way.

Sorry this was so off-topic.  Thanks for reading :)

Under the weather...

So I called my doctor's office today to let them know that we were going to have to scrap this month because the husband had to go home on emergency leave.  They were very nice (for once...gotta say the office staff aren't all that friendly), and told me to call when we were ready.

Even though we aren't doing anything this cycle since I don't know when the husband will be home, I decided to fill my prescription for Menopur anyway.  I've been waiting over a week to hear from the pharmacy, so I called them to see if they had gotten the pre-authorization from Tricare yet.  To my surprise, they did.  And then they told me what I would have to pay....$12.  Yes, you read that right.  My copay for this very expensive medicine was only $12!!!  Tricare can be wonderful sometimes.  I have found that they are one of the only insurance companies that actually cover fertility medication.  There is a catch though.  They will cover testing and medicine as long as it is for a cycle using timed intercourse.  So no IUI or IVF coverage.  Well, the doctor and I decided to try Menopur and timed intercourse since they haven't yet found anything wrong besides some bad CM.  According to him, Menopur helps a lot with creating fertile CM, so we figured that would be just the ticket.  Because of this decision, I only had to pay a copay for my meds instead of full price.  Before finding this out, I was going to purchase from IVFmeds.com, and it would have cost $600 for the same amount of medicine.  Yep, it costs $58 per vial.  And he ordered 10 for this cycle.  Holy crap, that is a lot of dough!  Now you see why I decided not to take it this month on the off chance that the husband might make it home in time for ovulation.

I am hoping that everything works out and we are able to use the medicine next cycle.  Either way, I talked to the husband last night about my feelings about taking a break.  He still wants to do IVF cycle, but we both understand that we don't know what the next couple of weeks will bring.  I just wanted him to know that his mom's health is my #1  priority right now.  Even though I am also sad that it will take longer to have our family, I know that I would not feel right worrying about that right now when there is something so much more important going on.

On another note, I am sick as a dog right now.  So I am going to cuddle up under a blanket and pop some cold meds and go to bed early.  Nighty night and thanks for the support.

So many thoughts, so little time...

I finally got a call from my doctor today.  As usual, the conversation was quick and confusing...and I had to ask him to repeat things several times because he is so awkward on the phone and in giving information.  He said that he had just faxed some sort of pre-authorization form to Tricare and that I should be able to get my authorization so that I can pick up the Menopur on Monday.  Then he wanted me to come in on CD 5, which is Monday, to do an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay.  If it is, then I will start my injections. Here is the problem...I don't know if the husband will be home in time to make this cycle work.  He is still with his family, and I want him to stay there as long as he needs/wants to.  So, here is my dilemma...should I start the injections or not?  I am thinking not since I don't want to waste them and I don't want the husband to feel extra stress if he doesn't make it home in time.  On the other hand, we are in a time crunch since we won't be in Washington that much longer and I don't want to start over with yet another doctor wherever we end up.

Last night, the husband mentioned doing IVF in February.  He said to just get the medicine and then hold off until next month.  I knew we were headed toward IVF, but that scares me.  Also, we don't know what is going to happen with his mom.  Although we are all obviously hoping for the best, we don't know what the future holds.  I told him that I don't want him dealing with the pressure and stress of trying to make a baby when he should be focused on his mom.  Beyond that, I don't want to bring a child into the world under those kind of circumstances.  I want a child brought into this world in a place of love and peace, not a world of stress, pressure, and grieving.  I don't know what to do at this point.

And I don't know how to bring all this up with my doctor.  The truth is, he is as difficult to talk to as he is to understand.  I don't doubt that he is smart and good at getting people pregnant...I have heard the success stories from people I actually know.  But I don't know how they ever got anywhere with him when he seems to be all over the place.  I guess I am just feeling confused and a little lost.  And I am worried about my mother-in-law.  And I miss my husband.  And I am sick.  And apparently I am just feeling sorry for myself.  

Just had to get the thoughts out so they stopped bouncing around in my head.

What a week...

This has been a tough week, and I am having trouble finding the silver lining in anything right now.  So many things have happened.

The week started out with such promise...we got word of where we might be moving.  And, while we are not divulging the information to everyone right now, we were happy with the outcome.  It was surprising to us since things never seem to go right.  I guess we should have known that bad things would follow.

Then my mother-in-law got sick.  She has been unwell for a while, but now things seem to be more serious.  Because of this, the husband left on emergency leave today to see her and be there with his family.  Please send your thoughts or prayers or whatever you can her way.  While I do not pray, I am hoping upon everything that she pulls through this episode very soon.  She is a wonderful person and my husband and I would be heartbroken if anything happened to her.

To top things off, my period started last night.  It was horrible to have to tell my husband when he has so many other things to worry about right now.  Because of everything going on, I had to ask him whether he wanted to take a break this month.  We are getting ready to start some pricey medication, and I don't want it to go to waste.  Don't misunderstand me.  For once, I am not being selfish.  I don't want the husband to feel pressure of trying to make a baby on top of having to worry about his mom.  He should be focused on that right now.  But we also can't afford to take a month off.  We are moving in about 4 months, and I don't want to start over with yet another doctor wherever we go.  And the husband has school for 6 weeks between now and then...so we already have to think about possibly freezing his sperm at that time unless I get pregnant beforehand.

See?  This is a shitty week all around, and I am just about out of hope.

Cue the tears...

I can't believe I didn't find this video until now.  Singer Kellie Coffey wrote this song about her own infertility struggles and then released this video to promote the song.  Talk about a tear-jerker.  I think it is beautiful, so I wanted to share it with all of you.  Enjoy.

...or not to test

Yup.

I chickened out.

No test today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe not.

Oh well.

To test or not to test...

...that is the question.

This is the inner struggle I face every month.  And every month I tell myself that I won't test, but of course I always do.  This month was a natural cycle, which means that the chances of it working are slim to none since none of the other tens of cycles have worked.  I guess it only takes one, right?

So tomorrow I will probably wake up and pee on a stick.  Again.

And when if it is negative, I will test the next day (even though I promise myself and the husband that I won't).  Why don't I just wait until my period is late like any other normal person?  I don't know.  I should just wait a few extra days.  It would certainly save me heartbreak and money---those tests aren't cheap!

Deep down, if  I am honest with myself, I know the reason why.  What if I had gotten pregnant at some point and just never knew it?  Even though it would have ended up being a chemical pregnancy or even an early miscarriage, it would be proof that I can actually get pregnant.  What if life had started growing and I never knew it....that just makes me feel sad.  Like it ended and wasn't even acknowledged or mourned.

So even though it may seem irrational, I will most likely wake up a take a test tomorrow.  I probably won't even post the results...that is how little hope I actually have that it will be positive.

Or maybe, I will actually have some self-control and not test...

Tapping into my crafty side

Let me tell you a little secret.  I am the type of person that loves the IDEA of being crafty.  I even look up DIY tutorials on Google and Pinterest to get inspiration.  Sometimes, I even go as far as to buy the materials to make said project.  But that is always as far as it goes.  I have bags of stuff from Michael's and Hobby Lobby and that just get moved from place to place with us, taunting me.  Reminding me that I am a lifelong procrastinator that has never started a craft project that was not going to be graded.  This time, I decided enough was enough.  I wanted to do something crafty, and dammit, this time I planned on following through.  

The husband had to work yesterday, so I took my lazy ass up to Michael's and bought a straw wreath, yarn, felt, and fabric glue.  I then came home and got to work.  I have been obsessed with yarn wreaths since I first saw them on Pinterest.  And then I found some gorgeous ones on Etsy, which made me even more interested.  The thing is, these things sell for like $40.  I figured I could make one for less money, and it looked easier than most of the other crafts I have thought about doing in the past.  While watching The Lady and the Tramp (favorite Disney movie of all time) and waiting for the husband to come home, I started wrapping the yarn.  Wow, that takes much longer than I thought.  It doesn't help that I am a crazy perfectionist, so I had to make sure everything lined up perfectly.  The husband eventually came home and looked at me like I was a lunatic.  

Once I was halfway done with the wrapping, I realized my eyeball measurements were off, which almost made me scrap the whole thing.  Like I said, I am a perfectionist, and I have a hard thing with anything that is not perfect.  But instead of starting over, I went with it.  Eventually, I finished.  While it is not perfect, I am actually proud of it, and I can't wait to hang it up in my house.

More to come (hopefully)!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family, and to the wonderful people that read my ramblings!  I am okay with leaving 2012 behind, and I am looking forward to 2013 being a better year.

A recap of 2012:

After finally deciding to go see a fertility specialist at the end of 2011, 2012 was filled with 5 rounds of Clomid (and 3 unsuccessful IUI's), 2 rounds of Letrazole, a homeopathic remedy (while it has not led to pregnancy yet, I have been able to miss out on getting sick since I took the remedy months ago), and a second opinion.  I have been poked and prodded multiple times, been "assaulted" by the lovely dildo cam multiple times, and even had myself cut open to see how I tick.  There have been 2 HSG's, dozens of OPK's and HPT's.  And a whole lot of tears (with some laughs thrown in, of course, because sometimes these doctor appointments are just downright hilarious).

It was also filled with love and laughter, friends and family, celebration and tragedy.  I lost my grandma and my cousin this year...one expected and one incredibly unexpected and way too early in his life.  I was able to stand beside my best friend and watch her marry the man of her dreams.  The husband and I made more trips home to see family then in the past 4 years combined.

The future:

As always, I hope that 2013 brings us the baby we so desire and deserve.  There will also be a lot of changes.  The husband will be heading off to recruiter school in a few months, and then we will probably be living in yet another place by the end of June.  We hope that this new journey will lead us closer to our family for a few years, especially if we are blessed with a child.  I would hate for him or her to never get a chance to be close to them.

I allowed myself to be sad last night as I said goodbye to all the dreams that did not come true last year, but today is a day of hope.  Hope that this year I will get to experience the magic of pregnancy and childbirth.  Hope that this year will be full of births instead of deaths.  Hope that this new career move will bring the husband and I even closer together.

Cheers to you all, and thank you for reading.  I hope that you will follow me in 2013.

Happy New Year!