To test or not to test...

...that is the question.

This is the inner struggle I face every month.  And every month I tell myself that I won't test, but of course I always do.  This month was a natural cycle, which means that the chances of it working are slim to none since none of the other tens of cycles have worked.  I guess it only takes one, right?

So tomorrow I will probably wake up and pee on a stick.  Again.

And when if it is negative, I will test the next day (even though I promise myself and the husband that I won't).  Why don't I just wait until my period is late like any other normal person?  I don't know.  I should just wait a few extra days.  It would certainly save me heartbreak and money---those tests aren't cheap!

Deep down, if  I am honest with myself, I know the reason why.  What if I had gotten pregnant at some point and just never knew it?  Even though it would have ended up being a chemical pregnancy or even an early miscarriage, it would be proof that I can actually get pregnant.  What if life had started growing and I never knew it....that just makes me feel sad.  Like it ended and wasn't even acknowledged or mourned.

So even though it may seem irrational, I will most likely wake up a take a test tomorrow.  I probably won't even post the results...that is how little hope I actually have that it will be positive.

Or maybe, I will actually have some self-control and not test...