Awkward moments...

This week has been full of the lovely awkward moments that only a woman TTC really understands.

Following the doctor's orders, I started using my OPK's on CD 10 to track my ovulation.  OPK's measure the amount of luteinizing hormone (LH) in your urine, which surges just before ovulation.  Now, OPK's are tricky.  In fact, until a few months ago, I had never been able to get a positive reading because I was taking them at the wrong time.  I find that each woman is different, but for me, I usually can detect the surge between 11am and 2pm.  Here is where it gets awkward.  I work Monday through Friday, which means that surge definitely happens when I am working.  This means I have to take my little digital test at work, while hiding in a stall, trying not to draw attention to myself.  The test part is not difficult, but the waiting is.  It takes 3 minutes for that little window to either give me an empty circle or a smiley face (guess which one we want to see).  Then I have to slyly wrap the test in toilet paper and carry it out to throw it in the trash.  Seriously glamorous, I know.

Anyway, the tests at work were a bit of a waste (if you know how much those digital tests cost, you know what I mean).  On Saturday, I had to drink limited fluids and hold it for at least 3 hours to make sure I would have an undiluted sample for the daily OPK.  The husband and I were headed out to see a movie, so I just took the test and kind of forgot about it in my hurry to finish getting ready (I am always late).  As I was fixing my hair, the husband yells out from the bathroom asking if a smiley face is good.  Yes, I left the test sitting out.  There is no mystery left when you are TTC and have an involved husband.  I happily told him that yes, a smiley face is good!  And then I had my doctor paged so that I could schedule a post-coital test for the next day as planned.  He called me right back (on a Saturday night) and told me to come in the next morning at 10am.  Yes, I have a doctor that actually cares enough about his patients to come in on a Sunday morning when necessary.  After spending the last year at a clinic that only believed in operating Monday through Friday from 8 to 4, this is shocking to me.

This brings us to today, Sunday.  CD 13.  After waking up extra early to *cough* have "relations" *cough*, off we went to the doctor for the lovely post-coital test.  Just saying that makes me feel a little icky, to be honest.  So the husband got to meet the socially-awkward, but super-smart doctor at last.  We then had the test (including an especially awkward moment in which the doctor asked the new girl at the office to come over and see my cervix.  "Can you see her cervix, Katie?  See, there it is."  Great.)  Basically, it was like a pap smear:  the doctor just took a sample and asked us to wait in his office while he tested the sample.  After a brief wait, he came in to go over his findings.  They were not unexpected, but that doesn't mean it was great to hear.  He said that my cervical mucus was scant.  The quality was not horrible, but there wasn't much of it.  Cervical mucus is an important part of the fertilization process.  Fertile cervical mucus should imitate semen, which means it should provide an environment in which sperm can survive and help facilitate their travel to the promise land.  I knew that this was a problem of mine, but Dr. M is the first person to actually check it and notice the problem.  I am thankful for this.  On another note, the doctor also mentioned a possible male factor problem.  Apparently, there weren't that many little guys in the sample he took.  And of those that did survive, some were misshapen and others were kinked.  He wants the husband to go in for a new semen analysis, since apparently the Army is known for not always producing accurate results of this test.

Based on these results, the doctor would like me to start Menopur next cycle if this one is unsuccessful.  He said that this particular shot will help with the cervical mucus problem, and will help produce more follicles to give us a better chance.  As of right now, it will be a semi-natural cycle, but may need to switch to IUI or IVF depending on how I react to the meds and what the husband's test comes back with.  Next Saturday, I will have to get a serum progesterone test to make sure I actually did ovulate this time on my own, and then we will proceed from there.

Sorry for all the TMI.  Here's to many more awkward moments in the future :)

A "glass half-empty" kind of mood...

I must admit that I am feeling very sad that another year is coming to an end so soon...and I am still waiting.

A recap of this cycle since I haven't been posting much:

I went in for CD3 bloodwork (hormone test that usually checks FSH, LH, E2 and Prolactin) on 12/19, and got a call from Dr. M on Christmas Eve...yes, Christmas Eve...to tell me everything came back normal.  Of course it did.  Why should I ever actually get a diagnosis besides just being told I have bad luck?  Anyway, I talked to Dr. M about doing a natural cycle since the meds he wants to put me on for superovulation are CRAZY expensive.  But, if I do a natural cycle, my insurance will cover them besides a copay.  He said that sounds good, depending on what my post-coital test results are.  Hopefully we are actually able to even proceed with the post-coital test since I will probably be ovulating on New Year's Eve and I forgot to ask how to get a hold of him when the office is closed.  Yes, he does come in on weekends and holidays for his patients...but the office isn't open, so I don't know how to reach him.  I guess we shall see.

So if we don't have success on our own this month, I will be starting a superovulation regiment next month with injectables.  We will be starting with Menopur.  The doctor said that it often helps produce fertile cervical mucus as well, so hopefully that will just be the little extra nudge we need.

So that brings me to the present.  Sitting here thinking how I should be feeling hopeful, when actually I just feel depressed that another year has passed.  I am one year closer to 30, feeling less and less like I am going to be able to have the family I so want without going bankrupt in the process.  Yes, I should be thinking positively about what the new year may bring blah blah blah...I never was a glass half-full kind of gal.

Merry Christmas!

Today, the husband and I are enjoying a quiet day together.  Just a day to relax and watch Christmas movies and drink mimosas and enjoy each other.  I am so thankful to have him home this Christmas, but I know that not everyone is as lucky as we are.  My thoughts are with all of the soldiers and their families that cannot spend the holiday together.  My husband and I may still be waiting for our miracle, but at least we have each other, and I know we are lucky because of that.

Merry Christmas to all of you out there.  I hope that you are with the ones you love and that your day is full of cheer.

xoxo Steph

Merry Christmas Eve Eve

Today was a great day.  My wonderful husband got tickets to go see The Nutcracker and surprised me with them earlier this week.  It was a small production by the Ballet Northwest in Olympia, WA, and it was so much fun.  Some may not think to go to this type of production, instead opting for larger ballets in Seattle, but this was perfect for us.  Not stuffy at all, the audience mostly filled with families of the children in the production.  I loved it.  I was a dancer up until I graduated high school, and while I knew that I was not destined to be a ballet dancer (too curvy, bad balance, no natural flexibility), I love to watch others and to get lost in the magic of it.

After the ballet, we tried a new restaurant for dinner.  I am still gluten-free (and doing pretty damn well, if I do say so myself), which unfortunately limits my options and makes me not look forward to going out as much as I used to.  While this restaurant didn't have a lot of options for me, they did have a gluten-free pizza crust, so I was able to enjoy a pizza instead of the salad I am usually stuck with.  I love salad, but it gets a little old, especially when I have to watch the husband scarf down some wonderfully sinful dish across the table from me.  I also had a margarita...or what was supposed to be a margarita.  It came in a martini glass, though, and pretty much tasted like pure tequila.  Don't worry, I am not complaining.  For once, I got my money's worth on a mixed drink at a restaurant.

Christmas is low-key in our household this year.  Since we are going to have some large medical expenses coming up, we chose to not really do presents this year except a couple small things between ourselves.  Tomorrow, we will wake up and enjoy the day together and then go to our friend's house for appetizers and holiday cheer.  Christmas day will be spent at home watching movies and just relaxing.  It may not seem like much to anyone else, but I am just happy to have my husband home for the holidays.  Hopefully next year, we will be hanging Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments on the tree, but for now, I am happy to have my health, my husband, and my family and friends.

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!!

P.S. For those out there that are going through infertility right now, here are some tips from Resolve New England on how to cope during the holidays.  I recommend checking it out.

Tis the season...

So ever since the husband and I have started trying to get pregnant, I have thought of hundreds of ways to tell people.  Not surprisingly, many of those ideas have been centered around holidays.  I imagined sending out our holiday cards with a picture of me holding a sonogram picture...or taking a surprise visit home and telling the whole family over a turkey dinner...or wrapping up the pregnancy test and having the husband open it on Christmas morning.  I think this is why holidays are so hard for me.  Every one that passes is a reminder of what could have been I suppose.

Maybe this makes me a Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever, and I know that I am supposed to always look at the positive side of things...but it is just exhausting to do that all the time.  So I am allowing myself a little bit of time to be sad about what I don't have yet.  It won't hurt anybody (but me, I guess).  Here I go...

......................

Now that I have given myself the time to mope and grieve about what I don't have, I can give thanks for what I do have.  I have a husband that loves me and would do anything to make me happy.  I have an ornery dog that drives me nuts, but I couldn't imagine going through the lonely nights when the husband is gone without him by my side.  I have family and friends that love me.  I have a job that keeps me busy and helps pay for the mounds of medical bills that are about to start piling up.  All in all, I do have a lot to be thankful for...and to look forward to.  I know that someday, some way, we will have a child of our own to spend the holidays with.  For now, I will try to just live in the moment and enjoy all of the time alone I get with my wonderful husband and pup.

Goodnight all.

He is home :)

Sorry, I have been MIA for the last few days.  Bad news is, the husband didn't get selected for Special Forces.  The good news is, he is home and will be home for the next few years.  Usually, he would have a chance to go back and try again.  In his case, though, he was chosen for recruiting duty.  He is slated to go to recruiting school in March, which is why this was his only shot at Special Forces (for now at least).  Recruiting duty is not what he was hoping to be doing for the next few years, but it will mean that he will be home...and that maybe we will have a chance to go back home to California for a few years if he gets his first choice for recruiting station.

So that is why I have been gone for a few days.  My very understanding boss let me have the day off when he came home so that we could spend some time together.  One of the benefits of the Army life: being able to experience newlywed bliss for many years past being a newlywed.  That's what happens when you spend so much time apart I guess.  We spent the last few days getting our Christmas tree, decorating the house, eating good food, and just being together.  Perfection.

On another note, I also decided to have a sit-down with my boss and tell her the real reason behind all of my doctor's appointments.  I usually keep these things to myself at work since it's personal and, well, since fertility treatments usually lead to pregnancy, which means having to take time off for maternity leave at the very least.  She was incredibly understanding, which I expected.  What I didn't expect was for her to say how much she didn't want to lose me and the options she proposed in order to keep me around.  I let her know that I didn't expect special treatment, and that I understood if having to take time off put my job at risk.  She said that she would speak to the powers that be and see if there is an option for me to go part-time or do some sort of job-sharing to keep me around while still giving me the flexibility needed for doctor's appointments.  This made me feel so much better, especially since I originally was looking for a part-time job for this very reason.  People don't realize how many appointments are needed when you are going through fertility treatments...and that you usually don't have time in advance to request the time off since you never know when you are going to start a cycle or when you're going to ovulate.  I have put off my treatments for too long because of work, and I realized that I need to focus on what is more important to me.  I don't want to lose my job though, because it would be much harder to pay for the treatments without the extra income!

On yet another note, I am struggling because the husband and I have been discussing Christmas gifts for our family and friends.  The truth is, we need to save money right now because the road we are heading down is very expensive.  Also, we are going to have to PCS again once he gets his recruiting orders, which means yet another expensive move.  We have a lot of nieces and nephews, which can get expensive for gifts since you have to be fair with each of them.  This probably means that there will be no gifts for anyone this year, and I hope that our family is understanding of this...I know that I would be if I was on the other side of the situation.  For once, though, I can't worry about what everyone else thinks of me.  Instead, I will be focusing on my little family and the little one(s) we hope to add to it!  Some may say this is selfish, but what is wrong with being a little selfish once in awhile?  We give up a lot being a military family, and we deserve a little something for ourselves.

New doctor & hopefully some answers...

Today, I finally went to get my second opinion.  As I mentioned  before, this doctor came highly recommended from several people I know that have become pregnant after seeing him.  They told me two things: 1) He is quirky but really smart, and 2) Expect to wait when you go see him.  I can now attest to both of these things, especially the waiting part.  Luckily, I was expecting it, so I didn't flip out after waiting over an hour to even be seen.  In total, I was there for over 3 hours...seriously.

The first part of my appointment was the boring part where we go over my medical history.  I hate repeating my story to doctor after doctor, and I am embarrassed that I didn't keep better records of my medical history from when I was a teenager.  When I was younger, I had a few abnormal pap smears.  But I was young and dumb and didn't keep track of dates or ever get copies of my records.  So I don't remember dates or exact procedures and tests that I had done.  It has been quite a few years since my last abnormal pap, but I have worried that the procedures I had done because of them have caused some of the fertility problems I have.

But I digress.

After a lot more waiting, I got to finally meet Dr. M.  Boy are the stories true.  He is quirky and doesn't really look you in the eye, but I really like him!  He is actually really funny and really sounds like he knows what he is talking about.  Granted, I felt pretty overwhelmed because he talked really fast.  I'm still not exactly sure what the plan is to be honest.  All I know is that I am going in on CD3 of my next cycle for some bloodwork, and then a post-coital test after getting a positive OPK.  Yep, you read that right.  A post-coital test.  Now is when the parents may want to skip ahead a paragraph or so.  I have avoided this until now because the idea of it is so awkward.  Yes, I know that he is a doctor.  And trust me, I have had to already undergo plenty of embarrassing moments in this journey.  I mean, I have been told exactly when to go home and DTD plenty of times.  You would think I wouldn't have any modesty left...but the idea of having to go in and have someone up in my business evaluating what is happening post-coitus is a bit much to think about for me.  I guess I will have to learn how to just suck it up though when that time comes.  Although finding time to go see a doctor within 2-3 hours after DTD should prove to be interesting to say the least.

Okay, parents you can start reading again.  So that is how my first appointment went.  I am feeling hopeful, but scared as well.  About money, because I will probably be paying out of pocket for most of the services (I saw the price sheet for IVF.  If we have to go down that road, it is definitely going to take some creative financing).  And about time.  I have no idea how I will be able to get the time off from work for the appointments I will have to go to.  Especially because they are usually last-minute since I never know when my cycle is going to start or when I am going to ovulate.  I think I will have to finally come clean with my boss and let her know what is going on.  Having a family is more important to me than this job.  Yes, I know having a job is important, especially in this economy.  But I will not sacrifice my dream of being a mother.

I do not plan on spending another Christmas without a child (or at least one on the way), so I will do whatever it takes to make that happen!

So excited...

So tomorrow is the big day.  I am finally venturing out and getting a second opinion from another fertility specialist.  While it is great getting free care on base....it would be nice to be more than just a name on a chart.  After many recommendations and success stories, I am going to see "Dr. M" in Olympia.  I am pretty nervous since the husband isn't here to go with me.  Hopefully that isn't a problem for them.  Considering he has always tested normal, I don't think it should be a big deal.  It would just be nice to have some support and a shoulder to lean on.  Plus, I am a nervous wreck about it.  I mean, I am basically hoping that this guy will look at my records and find some little thing that the other doctors missed (shouldn't be hard since I've seen every doctor on base and they basically all ignored me.  Even after cutting me open.  Whatevs).

On another note, I am still totally gluten-free.  I think it is going pretty well.  It's definitely tough for me since I love all the things I can't have, but I am learning to be creative.  The real test will be when the husband comes home.  He is supportive and tries to be helpful, but I know he is not going to stop eating gluten, and I don't expect him too.  I will have to get beer for him for when he comes home...and it will be very difficult to not have one for myself!  Oh well, it's probably good for my waistline to avoid a beer or three two.  Maybe I will live a little and get some gluten-free beer.  Eww.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!  I will post about my appointment tomorrow night.  I know it is just a consultation, but hopefully he will be able to at least give me some hope.

Ciao :)

Just a quick note...

First, I would like to thank everyone that has been viewing my page.  I have almost 350 page views already, which is really unbelievable to me.  Please keep coming by!  And please feel free to follow me and/or post comments, I would love the feedback :)

Second, I am super excited that I have made it through my last weekend alone.  My wonderful husband comes home next weekend, and I cannot wait.  I am also a ball of anxiety because I am waiting to hear from him.  You see, he is currently at SFAS, which stands for Special Forces Assessment and Selection.  Basically, that is a fancy way of saying that he is trying out to be in Special Forces.  So, that is why I haven't been able to speak to him, and that is the reason I am going crazy with anxiety.  This is so important to him, and even though I am torn about my feelings about it, I support him fully and therefore want him to succeed.  However, it is a very tough few weeks and less than half usually make it.   I picked up a bottle of Jagermeister today (his favorite), so I figure he can drink it for celebration or to drown his sorrows.  Only time will tell.  So cross your fingers for him!

That's all for tonight :)

Missing gluten...

Yep, I jumped on the gluten-free bandwagon.  Let me tell you, I am NOT a fan (read: I miss beer).

As you all now know, I have what is referred to as Unexplained Infertility.  This is unacceptable to me.  Because of this "diagnosis" I have been doing my own research and looking for alternative therapies, supplements, etc.  While doing my research, I came across many articles discussing the link between gluten and infertility.  Apparently, there is quite a large number of women out there that couldn't get pregnant and couldn't find out why (sound familiar?).  When all else failed, they decided to cut gluten out of their life.  All of a sudden, they found themselves pregnant the natural way.  And I do mean all of a sudden.  We are talking like within 4 weeks.  I figure, what the hell?  It can't hurt.

Okay, I lied.  It does hurt.  For those of you that don't know me personally, I have to admit that I love beer.  Love it.  I love to drink a Corona Light on a hot Summer day, and I love to sip on a Pabst Blue Ribbon (keepin it classy) during a UFC fight with the husband.  I also love whole wheat bread and pastries and all that other great stuff, but it is really the beer that I miss the most.  Yes, there are now many different companies that make gluten-free beer.  Sorry, it just isn't the same.  No offense, but I find it kind of gross.  This is disappointing to say the least.  But, if the end result is me getting knocked up, I will give just about anything up.

One thing I hate about going "gluten-free" is the stigma attached to it.  It is such a fad right now and everyone is doing it.  To everyone else, gluten is a mystery.  I definitely didn't know until the whole gluten-free fad took off in the last year or so.  So now I am trying it.  I think I will try to go completely gluten-free for 3 months to see if it makes any difference with my fertility or just my health in general.  Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a learning curve here.  I will probably make a lot of mistakes and might even cheat a little because I am weak...but I am going to try.  Eating out is the real test, but I guess it just means I don't need to eat out as much as I do when the husband is around.

Wish me luck (and drink a beer for me)!

Cheers

Just had dinner with all my coworkers at our holiday "party".  Most of the ladies left right after dinner.  After a couple of drinks, I decided to tell the two of them that were left about my struggles.  I may regret it later, but for now it feels good to let them know what is really going on in my life.  Cheers to honesty :)

Just a thought or two...

The main reason I started this blog was to have a place to put my thoughts because sometimes they just bounce around in my head and need somewhere to go.  Another reason is that I wanted my friends and family to get a better idea of what is going on my life.  Infertility is a sensitive subject for both the couple going through it and those around them.

I want a family, and I have waited a long time for one.  I'm not going to lie, it can be really difficult to see others around me getting pregnant, especially when I have been married longer or when they are on their 2nd or 3rd and I am still waiting for my chance.  This doesn't mean that I am not happy for those people, because I am.  It doesn't mean that I think I am more deserving than they are.  Yes, I may get sad for a minute or even cry at first when I hear the news (always in private of course because it is not that other person's fault that I am sad).  But then I wipe my eyes and blow my nose and move on like a big girl.  What I am trying to say is that I am happy for that other person even if I am sad for myself and my husband.  There is room for both emotions, which I don't think everyone realizes.  Almost all of my girlfriends now have children of their own, and I love those children and try to see them as much as possible to get my hugs and kisses in.  Do I maybe turn down invitations now and again to go to a function at which I would be surrounded by women with their children or women talking about their children?  Yes.  Is this wrong?  Maybe.  But I call it self-preservation.  I wouldn't want to break down in front of everyone or make people uncomfortable when they ask that inevitable question: do you have children?  Then there is an awkward moment when I say no, and they either leave it alone (whew!) or they ask when we are going to have them (ouch!).  Or they see me holding their child (what can I say, babies love me) and they make a comment about what a great mom I would be, so why don't I have kids yet?  If you are thinking these things don't really happen, or that they don't happen often, you would be wrong.

Now do you see why I don't usually talk about these things with people?  It makes me sound sad and desperate at best and jealous and bitchy at worst.  You see, people just don't know what to say when you mention that you have been trying to have a baby for 4 years without any luck.  Or....they say too much.  People love to give unsolicited advice.  They tell me about some friend they used to have that couldn't get pregnant for 2 months and then started taking (insert supplement here) and got knocked up right away.  I know they are trying to be helpful, but it is a little insulting that they think I haven't tried all of the normal things by now.  The worst, though, is when someone tells me: "just stop trying and it will happen."  Or, "it'll happen when it's supposed to happen."  I am begging you now to please not ever say either of those phrases to a woman trying to get pregnant.

I guess I just want people to be understanding and to respect one another.  Have some tact.  Be careful about the questions you ask and how you ask them because you don't know what the other person is going through.  And don't just assume that the other person won't be able to handle your good news just because they are having a hard time.

Good night y'all :)

Second opinions...

I have decided to go see another infertility specialist next week with the encouragement of a very good friend of mine.  I want to find out if he can find something wrong that other doctors missed or if IVF is really the only option for us at this point.  Usually, I would not go to this type of appointment when the husband is out of town, but we are in a bit of a time crunch right now.  If the husband passes the training he is currently in, we will be moving back to North Carolina for a couple of years.  During that time, he will not really be able to take time off, and we would not have a support system around us, which would make IVF difficult.  Not impossible, but definitely difficult.  If he doesn't pass the training, he will be heading off to recruiter school in the spring, which would also mean we would be moving to a new place by Summer.  He would have more flexibility in that job, however, I don't know where we will be or what the doctor situation will be in that place.  This particular doctor I am going to see comes highly recommended by other wives I know that are now pregnant or have already had a baby because of him.  He offers amazing military discounts, which is another benefit, since IVF is ridiculously expensive.

Unfortunately, the husband doesn't even know about the appointment since we haven't been able to speak since he left.  I know that he is supportive of everything I do, especially when it comes to this because he wants a family too, but I still feel like I am going behind his back.  My hope is that the doctor will look at my records and give me a plan of action (and a list of costs) that I can then present to the husband when he gets home.  This way, I will already have a plan in place and we can make some important decisions together.  Here's to hoping!

Cross your fingers for me :)

just another night...

Being an Army wife is terrible wonderful frustrating fun hard.  Just thought I would throw that out there.  Yes, I am proud that my husband has chosen to serve his country and defend our freedom, but that doesn't make it any easier when he is gone.  We have been through several lengthy trainings and a year-long deployment, but it doesn't make it easier to spend your nights alone.  Yes, it does mean that I can eat whatever I want whenever I want and I don't have to plan my days around someone else's schedule.  But the novelty of that wears off fast.  It also sucks to be away from friends and family during the holidays, so maybe that's what is getting me down.  Work fills my days, but the nights are boring...and the bed is empty.  That is all.

Unexplained? WTF

http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/why-can-t-i-get-pregnant-the-emotional-impact-of-unexplained-infertility.html

A brief history

When I was young, I thought it was so easy to get pregnant.  I was always diligent about birth control and strongly believed that if I missed even one pill, I might get knocked up.  After all, my mom has 3 children and my sister had already had her 3 kids before I even graduated high school.  Who knew that I was actually wasting so much money on birth control?

Fast forward a few years, and I am married to a wonderful man.  I told him how badly I wanted a family, and we agreed to start trying right away.  After all, he was set to leave for basic training just a month after our wedding...so we figured we might as well get started.  I had always had a feeling that it would be difficult for me since I had not even had so much as a scare up until that point, but the husband was confident.  So confident, in fact, that he thought I would get pregnant the very first time we tried.  I'll spare you the details, but he did turn to me after and said "I sure hope you're ready for this" thinking that maybe that one time had really done the trick.  So much confidence, that one!

Well that was in December 2008, and here we are...four years later and still waiting for our miracle.  After trying on our own for a couple of years, I decided to face my fears and we went to see a fertility specialist in December 2011.  We started with the basics: hormone testing for me and semen analysis for the husband.  Blood draws, an HSG test, and urine samples galore.  I sat back and waited for the bad news---I just knew that this was somehow my fault.  Meanwhile, the husband was afraid that it was his fault and that I would hate him for it.  I was afraid that I would too.  Color me surprised when all of the tests came back normal.  You would think that this would be good news.  But instead, it just raised more questions---if all of the tests were normal, why weren't we getting pregnant?

The doctors started me on Clomid, which is often the first step in fighting infertility.  Clomid is a drug that can help stimulate ovulation.  Since I have always ovulated on my own, I didn't think this was necessary, but who am I to argue with a doctor?  Anyway, we tried a couple rounds of Clomid the natural way before deciding to try an IUI.  This, we figured, would really do the trick.  We were sure that we would get pregnant that time!  Well, we didn't.  So we tried twice more...still no luck.  We met with the doctor to discuss other options, and he told me that we just have "bad luck."  Awesome.  So he says that we have 2 options: do a laparoscopy to see if there is some underlying issue like endometriosis that I don't have symptoms for, or get on the list for IVF.  Well, we weren't ready to do IVF yet.  After all, if they can't figure out why I can't get pregnant, why should I think that IVF would have better success?  And we just can't throw around thousands of dollars on a maybe.  I decided to do the lap instead.  Sure, cut me open and see what's what.  This brought a whole new level of anxiety....what if they found that I was missing something, or had cysts, or cancer?  In the end, everything once again came back normal.

After getting the results of the laparoscopy, I decided I was ready for a break from unnecessary medical treatments.  I went to see a homeopathic doctor to try and get some answers, but she didn't really have any either.  Now I am at an intersection, trying to decide which road to take.  The husband is going through some serious training right now that will decide his whole career...and our life.  I don't want to cause any undue stress on him, so hopefully this blog will be my outlet.  Maybe it will help me come up with some answers.  I guess we will see...

And the madness begins...

Well, I have finally decided to do it.  I am going to put all my crazy thoughts out there and let the random people of the internet judge me for them.  I figured I have read enough blogs and judged enough people to deserve the same treatment, so here goes nothing.

I would like to start by telling you a little story:

There once was a girl and a boy that fell in love.  The boy decided that he wanted to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a soldier, and even though the girl had sworn up and down that she could never live that kind of life, she surprised herself by telling him to pursue his dream (deep down thinking that it would never actually happen).  Fast forward to a couple of months later...the boy has signed a contract with the Army and the two of them decide to get married before he leaves.  I know what you're thinking: big cliche, right?  Anyways, they got married, he joined the Army, and they lived happily ever after...

....well, maybe it wasn't that easy.  After all, this is not a Disney movie, and it would make for a pretty boring blog.  So, now let's get down to the nitty gritty.  For those of you (notice how optimistic I am that people will actually read this someday) that have not figured it out, the girl in this story is me and the boy is my wonderful husband.  Yes, we are still in love.  And yes, he did join the Army.  But we are still looking for our happily ever after.  Why, you ask?  I am lucky to have a husband that serves our country and loves me despite all my flaws.  Some may say that is the dream and I should count my blessings.  And I do.  But the problem is, we are still missing something.

Here is the boring part where I explain the name of my blog.  You see, I am now an Army wife....but I have no children.  A childless Army wife?  That is the ultimate oxymoron.  For those that are not familiar with this lifestyle, you may not understand this.  While I cannot speak for other branches of the military, I can say that Army bases are filled with mothers and children, and most of those mothers are much younger than me.  FRG (Family Readiness Group) events are planned around children...the commissary is filled with people trying to wrangle their 5 kids...and when you go to the military doctor and tell them you don't have children yet, you get "the look" (concern, surprise, etc.).  For a person not ready for children yet, this may go unnoticed.  For a woman that desperately wants a child, this can be torture.

You see, the husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married...and we actually stopped preventing several months before we were married.  We just celebrated our 4-year anniversary...so you do the math.  I will talk about the full journey in a later post, but for now let's just agree that the problem is more than just "bad luck" as the doctors have told me.

Don't worry, I do not plan on this whole blog being about infertility.  But since I plan to post about my whole life, it will definitely be included.  There will be happy and sad posts, and that there will be a fair share of TMI I'm sure, but hopefully at some point I will be able to post about the loveliness of morning sickness and swollen ankles and sleepless nights.  Feel free to follow along and comment if you feel the urge.  Welcome!