7dp5dt

Hey y'all, just checking in.  I'm not posting much because there's not much happening.  Just freaking out and hating the TWW.  You know, the usual.  Hoping our beta will be positive...and then afraid that it will be positive.  What if something goes wrong?

Everyone always wonders if my (potential) pregnancy will be considered high-risk because of all the struggles to get there.  The truth is, it would be treated like a normal pregnancy unless something happens to prove otherwise---just like with any other pregnancy.  Even though we have tried without any success for 5 years, they don't have any reason to believe I can't carry a pregnancy to full-term since I've never suffered a miscarriage.  The only difference is that I would get an ultrasound earlier than most because the RE will check things out around 6 weeks before releasing me to an OB.  Wow.  It's crazy to think I might actually be pregnant.

I'll post my results, but probably not until after our second beta (if the first is positive, we will have a second one two days later to make sure things are progressing normally).  We want to at least tell our family before the blogging community.  My mom would kill me if she wasn't the first to know (after the husband of course!).

And before anyone bites my head off...yes, we will be telling people earlier than most.  I understand that things can happen and I can't control that---but I will want to have a support system to share in the good or help me survive the bad.  I've waited too long for this to not tell people right away.  Besides, pretty much everyone we know are aware that we are doing IVF and so they are already asking about the results.  I post about my whole life here anyway.

I will be back in a few days with the news :)

The waiting game

You know that commercial for the home pregnancy test that mentions how science is getting close to determining pregnancy immediately after it happens?  Wouldn't that be awesome so we didn't have to sit around waiting for that damn positive and driving ourselves crazy?

Maybe then I wouldn't spend so much of my free time---granted, when you're unemployed, all time is basically free---googling to find out when the earliest possible time is to get a positive test after a 5-day transfer.  I'm a nutcase.  After 5 years you'd think I would learn some patience.  I mean, this isn't my first rodeo with the dreaded TWW people.

But like I said, I'm a nutcase.  I knew I'd never make it to my beta without testing at home---even though my husband made sure to point out the bold and underlined part of the Embryo Transfer Instructions that stated I should not take a test at home because it can cause false negatives and unnecessary stress.  I convinced him that I should be able to test the day before at least.  I also explained that I would be taking tests the whole time so that I could test the trigger shot out of my system.  The trigger shot they give you is HCG, which is referred to as the "pregnancy hormone".  It is the hormone that your body produces when you are pregnant, and is therefore the hormone that HPT's detect to determine whether you are pregnant or not.  So if you take a test at home too early, it may give a false positive because it is detecting the HCG from the trigger shot, not from a pregnancy.  I made sure to test the shot out.  I got a very faint positive on the 25th, which would've been 2dp5dt (2 days past 5 day transfer), and 9 days after taking the trigger shot.  Therefore, I figure it should be out of my system by now.

Maybe I should try to make it to my beta...

...who am I kidding?  I'm sure I'll test this weekend.  But I won't post about it.  If my mom finds out that the blogging community found out before her I will never hear the end of it :)

Happy Christmas Eve!

Dr. R called today to let us know that they were able to freeze 6 embryos yesterday, and 1 additional one today.  7 embryos.  Wow.  Who knew?  It's a Christmas freakin miracle.  This cycle has been so much more successful that I ever expected based on our 5 years of failure.  Maybe this really could work.

Stupid hope.  It's such a foreign concept to me, and I don't know how to deal.  I've been looking at baby names, baby clothes, baby doctors.

Someone stop me.

PUPO!

Well folks, it's official.  I am PUPO (for those not from this crazy IF world, that means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise).

This morning we got the call that we still had 10 beautiful embryos alive and kicking.  Several of them were "textbook" blastocysts.  Dr. R said that they were basically perfect.  Based on his recommendation, we chose to do an eSet (elective single embryo transfer) with an embryo that received their highest grade.  We had 4 left to freeze today, and 5 more that they hope will be ready to freeze tomorrow.

The transfer went off without a hitch.  We were given a picture of our gorgeous embryo.  I cried.  Even the husband teared up.  It was a special moment.  I didn't really expect it to be as emotional as it was.  I mean, how many people get to see their child before it even implants?  Science is amazing.  I texted the picture to my best friend and my mom.  My mom asked if that was her grandbaby.  Seriously?  Tears all over again.

So what happens next, you ask?  Usually they do a pregnancy test 9 days after a 5-day transfer, which would be New Year's Day.  However, because of that, they gave us the option of coming one day early if we wish.  Well, of course I jumped on that!  So we will have our blood test on 12/31/13.  Basically, I will be ringing in 2014 with either the most joy I've ever experienced.....or possibly the most alcohol I've ever consumed.  Just kidding.  Kind of.

Oh well.  Yay for PUPO!

I want to say a special thank you to all my readers, and my friends and family, for the amazing support I have received during this process.  I couldn't have gotten to this point without you.

Should I have told everyone or kept it to myself?

We have had the most awesome outpouring of support from our family and friends during the IVF process.  They have supported us financially by buying my crocheted goods from my Etsy store.  My mom even donated money to us to help because she is just that kind of mom.  And everyone asks how we are doing and tells us how excited they are every time we get together.

The problem is, I am kind of regretting telling everyone.

Please don't misunderstand.  The support is incredible, and having people to talk to about the process has helped a lot.  They even ask all the nitty gritty details, which I actually love to talk about.  But now, I feel like we will be letting down so many people if this doesn't work.  Those that don't live in the infertile world don't understand that IVF is not a sure thing.  They don't follow blogs that are filled with stories of loss and sadness.  That tell stories of people having to do numerous IVF cycles before getting their bundle of joy.  And although I try to stay positive, I also know the real statistics.  That although my clinic has a 76% success rate, that means 24% of cycles fail.

Now everyone knows the timeline we are on for this cycle.  They know when to expect good or bad news...except they are all expecting good news.  It's science! How could it not work, right?  I don't want to let anyone down...

Sorry for sounding like a Negative Nancy.  I just had to get those thoughts out so that I can focus on only thinking positive thoughts about our transfer tomorrow.

Transfer scheduled!

Well, we officially have an appointment for our transfer!  I got a call today from the on-call doctor, and she let me know that all of my 13 embryos are still alive and kicking!  3 of them are slightly behind the others, but I am still amazed at the progress so far.  Because they still are progressing, we are staying with the plan of a 5-day transfer.

It all happens Monday.

My life might change that day.  Honestly, my life will change regardless of the outcome.  After going through this process, I don't know if my body heart can take it again.  And I know we can't afford to go through it again.  This is our chance.

This is so real now.  I am actually letting myself really hope for the first time in a long time.  I am constantly throwing out baby names to the husband, lingering in the baby section of the store.  Planning for the future.

No turning back now.  I will start the new year out as either a mom-to-be or...well, I don't know what the other option is at this point.  Let's hope for the former :)

First egg retrieval = success :)

We had our egg retrieval yesterday.  Despite me being a nervous wreck, the procedure went off without a hitch.

The doctor came out to see me in recovery, and he let me know that they collected 23 eggs!  I was so surprised and overjoyed because I had convinced myself that they wouldn't find anything even though I had seen the follicles with my own eyes on the ultrasounds.  So we took our happy asses home to spend the rest of the day relaxing.  My amazing husband waited on me all day, cooking me soup and fetching me crackers and whatever else I wanted.  He is so good to me (even though he left all the dirty dishes in the sink for me to take care of today).  Even though I felt great when I left the doctor's office, I spent the rest of the day with some pretty bad cramping.  I tried not to get off the couch except to use the bathroom, and even that was pretty damn uncomfortable.

When I woke up this morning, I felt better.  Still, I have tried to spend most of the day sitting down because the cramping is still there.  I had to start my endometrin suppositories and my estradiol supplements today, so they may be partly to blame for the extra discomfort.

Dr. R called today to give me the fertilization report.  Some of the eggs were not yet mature, one was post-mature, and a couple didn't fertilize at all.  However, we now have 13 embryos!  I had so many doubts, and this news made me feel so positive.  He said they will call again Saturday with another update.  Depending on the status of our embryos, they may choose to do a 3-day transfer that day.  But hopefully, they will still be progressing normally and we will get to do a 5-day transfer on Monday.  

Fingers crossed for a Christmas miracle :)

Egg retrieval is scheduled!

Tomorrow is the day at last!  Egg retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 am, and my emotions are all over the place.  Part of this is because of the hormones I'm on, and part is because I am excited/scared/nervous/anxious/excited.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I will post about my retrieval when I feel up to it.  Let's hope for good news!!

Cycle Update

Sorry I haven't provided more updates, but I have been sooooo busy driving back and forth to appointments and trying like hell to finish my many crochet projects in time to get them out for Christmas.  In fact, I am trying to use the few minutes I do have available right now to update you lovelies before I head to another appointment.

I had a second monitoring appointment on Thursday and a third yesterday morning.  According to my scans and bloodwork, my ovaries are performing like rockstars!  I am a perfectionist, so this is great news to hear.  My lining is right where it should be and I have about 5 follicles measuring over 16 mm as of yesterday.  Apparently, they like to trigger when 25% of them are over 16 mm, so I'm expecting to have them tell me today that it's about time to go.  I would then take the trigger (HCG) shot tonight to tell my ovaries it is finally time to release their many many follicles, and then I would have the retrieval 36 hours later.

On another note, I went to my best friend's baby shower yesterday after my appointment.  Usually, I try to avoid these like the plague because it is just hard to watch all those adorable little things being opened.  But she is my very best friend family, and I didn't want to miss it.  I know that she had a hard time telling me about her pregnancy and I have tried my hardest to show her how happy I am for her, regardless of what I am going through, because I love her and I can't wait to meet her little one.

After opening her gifts, she took a moment to thank everyone for coming and for throwing such a beautiful shower.  Then she teared up and told everyone to be thankful because not everyone can get pregnant easily---or at all sometimes---and that she knows how lucky she is.  Then she proceeded to tell everyone that her friend was going through IVF and she was so excited for her.  Really, she just shed light on that taboo subject that nobody wants to talk about, but us infertiles try so hard to make other people understand.  She didn't mention me by name, but I was of course crying at this point...and my mom was crying...and her mom was crying...etc.  She was worried about me being upset because she called me out like that, but how could I be upset by something like that?  It was one of the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful things anyone has ever said about me.  And the fact that she did it at her shower, when all the attention should be on her, meant even more to me.  I just thought you all should hear about it as well.  Those of you that have gone through these struggles understand that all we ever want (besides a child of course) is for people to try to understand what we are going through.

So thank you to my very best friend for being so selfless in that moment, and for reminding me that I have an amazing support system pulling for me.

1st Monitoring Appointment Results

Yesterday was my first monitoring appointment, which meant I had to go in for a blood test (to check estradiol levels) and an ultrasound to see how my body is responding to the treatment.  I was worried going in because I haven't had any side effects besides an awful headache, and I thought maybe that meant I wasn't responding well.

I was wrong.

The nurse counted 21 measurable follicles!  After just 4 days of stims!  I'm not sure exactly what they look for this early, but the nurse seemed very happy.  There are 10 on the left side, measuring between 5.67 mm to 12.41 mm, and 11 on the right, measuring between 5.64 mm and 10.43 mm.  My lining was over 5, which she said is perfect for this point in my cycle.

My coordinator called me later in the day to give me my instructions.  I am staying on the same protocol of 150 units gonal-f and 75 units menopur each night, but I am also adding in cetrotide starting tonight.  This will help to prevent me from ovulating before they want me to.  They also want to monitor me closely to make sure I don't develop OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), which is not ideal by any means.  It happens when your ovaries are over-stimulated, and can result in bloating, weight gain, shortness of breath, nausea and vomiting, and lower abdominal pain.  It can be very serious if not caught early, but my doctors are great, so I'm not overly concerned.

Overall, I'm very excited about the process so far.  I'm a little nervous about what comes next, because I don't know the quality of my eggs or anything yet.  We would never know these things without doing IVF, so if nothing else, we will get answers from this.  But hopefully we will get a baby from it!

Tomorrow is my next appointment.  I will have more bloodwork and an ultrasound.  They will also do my pre-op appointment for my egg retrieval.  This is getting so real!

Day 2 of Stims

Not much going on around here, but I thought I would at least check in.  I started my injections yesterday.  After we got the mixing down, it was a really easy shot.  Thank goodness we are doing subcutaneous injections this time.  Last time, they were done intramuscular, which sucks!  Have you seen the size of those needles?  Ugh.  No thanks.  I'll take those little sub-q baby needles anytime.

No side effects yet, which is great.  I've experienced just a little bit of pain/burning right after doing the shot, but that's it.  No bruises yet either, so that's a plus.

I went to a birthday party today for my husband's coworker's daughter.  She turned 5.  Usually these kinds of events put me into a panic.  After all, we are typically the only couple there without a child (this was no exception).  However, it went better than expected.  There were several adorable babies there (military families are especially fertile), which usually just makes me sad.  Instead, I held them and put one to sleep, which always makes me happy.  When the other women asked about children, I told them that we are in the middle of an IVF cycle.  This was huge for me.  For some reason, I never have the guts to tell people in those kind of situations.  I think I just don't want to make them feel awkward since nobody ever knows what to say about it.  Surprisingly, the husband actually tells people way more often than I do.  So I took a page out of his book and told them the truth, instead of just sidestepping the question altogether.  They were supportive and asked questions, which I love to answer.

My next update will probably be after my monitoring appointment next week.  Have a great rest of your weekend y'all :)

Baseline Ultrasound

Yesterday was my baseline ultrasound.  For those of you unfamiliar, this is the start of my IVF cycle.  Basically, they do an internal ultrasound to make sure the BCP did its job in keeping my ovaries quiet and that my endometrial lining is where it should be.  Luckily, everything looked perfect, so that means shit is about to get real!

I will start my medication on Friday, 12/6.  Here is my daily protocol:
-prenatal vitamin
-81mg aspirin
-150 units FSH (Gonal F)
-75 units Menopur

I will go in on 12/10 for my 1st monitoring appointment and bloodwork to make sure my levels are where they should be and that the protocol is working like it should. From there, Dr. R will determine if we need to make any changes.  I am doing an antagonist protocol, so I will be starting Cetrotide at some point in my cycle as well.

My meds shipped out yesterday, and they should be here today.  There were some issues with my Rx, so hopefully I will receive everything I need.  I scheduled an early delivery to give me some time to fix things if there are any problems. Let's hope there are no issues!

More updates to come as things progress :)

Tentative calendar and awesome savings!

My IVF case manager called me yesterday to give me the updated calendar since I started my period.  Seeing it in print makes it so real.  Seeing that I could potentially be PUPO before Christmas is even more amazing.  My baseline ultrasound is scheduled for 12/2.  In the meantime, I am doing my CD 3 bloodwork today and then starting my BCP tonight.  I'll continue to take the BCP until the day before my ultrasound.  As long as everything looks good at that appointment, I will start stims on 12/6.  YAY!  Yep, I just said yay when talking about using myself as a human pincushion.  Who would've ever guessed that I would react in a positive way to anything in my life?  Not me!  I guess that is a good thing since I am usually a glass-half empty sorta gal.

The big chunk of money is going to be due by my baseline U/S.  That part is not exciting.  It kinda makes me hyperventilate a bit a lot.  We have decided to cash out our retirement accounts to pay for this cycle.  Some may disagree with our choice on this, but we decided that it was a better choice than to go into more debt right before expanding our family.  Although we will be taking a hit on our taxes for this, it's less than we would most likely pay in interest in the long run.  And it means I don't have to pay a monthly bill later if.... well I'm sure you can figure out why we wouldn't want to pay that bill later considering we are doing a procedure that is definitely not a guarantee no matter how great the odds may be.

Anyway...

We are excited about how things are going.  I also just found out today that we qualify for 50% our meds based on our income.  If any of you are not familiar with the Compassionate Care program, you should check it out.  You could save 50-75% off if your insurance doesn't cover your fertility meds and if you qualify based on income.  We didn't think we would qualify (you know, because we are so rich haha), but surprise surprise, I got an email today that we do.  Any little bit helps when you are dealing with expensive meds not covered by your insurance, and I got a response less than 24 hours after submitting my application via email.  I am not endorsed by this company at all, but my case manager told me about the program yesterday and I want to pass the info along to you!  BTW, it is only on some meds.

So that is where we are right now.

The most positive CD1 I can remember....

As you can see from the title of this post, today is officially CD1.  This is usually a day reserved for crying and feeling sorry for myself and trying to decide what to do next to try and have the family we so long for.  But not today.

Instead of mourning the fact that we can't seem to do this by ourselves, I am excited to finally start the IVF process.  5 years ago, when we started TTC, I had no idea that we would be here right now.  5 years of hopes being crushed.  5 years of failed Clomid, Letrozole, and Menopur cycles.  After a laparoscopy, a clear HSG, and 5 IUI's, I am finally ready for IVF.  I can say that I have done everything in my own power to help us get pregnant, and I can admit that we need more help.

So here is to all those that have come before me.  Whether you got your take-home baby or not, you are amazing for going through all of this to try and start your family.  I am looking to you for support and advice during this time.

CD1.  I'll call my nurse today to let her know that we can start the ball rolling for real.  After having my bloodwork done tomorrow, I will start birth control pills.  After 2 weeks, I will have my baseline ultrasound, and will hopefully start the injections 3 days later.  Wish me luck :)

This is gettin real...

Wow, I can't believe how close I am to starting my first IVF cycle!  I was so scared to get to this step and I put it off for so long, but now that it is here, I am excited at last.

I went to the required IVF Education Class at my RE clinic yesterday.  The husband couldn't make it, so I was flying solo---luckily, I wasn't the only "single lady".  There were just 4 couples, and the nurse went over a bunch of information with us (can we say overwhelming?!).  Then we signed some consents and started on the injection training.  I didn't think this would be very necessary since I have used injectables before, but boy am I glad I went.  There is a lot more involved with these medications than the ones I took before.

My doctor is putting me on an antagonist cycle.  I will be taking Menopur and Follistim along with Ganirelex.  I've taken Menopur before, but the others are new to me.  I now have a tentative calendar for my cycle, which makes this even more real.  It looks like I just may have my dream of getting pregnant before the end of the year!  Unfortunately, I won't find out whether the IVF took or not until after the new year, but it still counts :)

I am still waiting on the husband's SA results to see if we are going to have to do ICSI.  My bloodwork came back and everything was fine, except my prolactin was slightly elevated.  I'm not sure what that means, so hopefully I can get more info on that.  My nurse said the doctor wasn't concerned and that it wouldn't affect us moving forward with IVF, so that is all that matters to me.

More updates to come :)

Pre-IVF cycle testing...

Still not much to report over here.  I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so that I can get the ball rolling on our IVF cycle.

I never thought I would actually be excited for AF to show, but I kinda am.  At the beginning of this month, I got it into my head that maybe, just maybe, I would get pregnant naturally this month.  I know, it hasn't happened in 5 years, why would it happen now?  I just figured that maybe since we have finally started the IVF process and accepted in our minds that this is the path we must take, that maybe Mother Nature would throw us a curve ball.  Then I came to my senses and realized that was bat shit crazy of me.  Luck doesn't exist in my realm, and I know that.  So this week I am submitting the paperwork to withdraw all of our retirement funds to pay for this.  And this is everything we have, so shit better work out the first time.

Anyway, as of right now I have completed almost all of the pre-cycle testing.  I've done the saline sonogram and most of the bloodwork.  The husband did his pre-IVF SA (semen analysis) yesterday.  This test is more in-depth than the previous SA's because it includes an overnight test to better test how his sperm will hold up for the IVF fertilization process.  Based on the results of this test, my doctor will decide whether we need to do ICSI as well.  For those that are not familiar, ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) basically involves them taking one sperm and injecting it straight into one egg instead of just putting the sperm and the eggs in a petri dish together in a petri dish and letting the sperm fertilize the egg naturally.  However, if his sperm are not doing their job properly or my eggs are being bitchy and don't wanna play with them, they need a little help.  ICSI will definitely improve our chances, but it is also an added expense (hey, what is an extra $2k when you're already spending $14k, right?) and ups the risk chances just a bit since the egg can be damaged in the process.  So this test will determine what the doctor thinks is our best chance and help him decide what protocol to use for our cycle.

Although I am still second-guessing my decision (which is totally normal for me since I can never make decisions), I am feeling excited.  This also means I have gotten my hopes up, and I hope that isn't a bad thing.

I'll post more once all our test results are in :)

The beginning of our IVF journey...

Sorry for the delay in posting about our latest RE appointment, but I have been so busy finishing up some crochet projects this week (oh yeah, I started a crochet business during my blogging hiatus to try to keep myself busy and to raise money for IVF.  More on this later).

On Tuesday, the husband and I drove out to meet a doctor at a different clinic.  I was so nervous after our last appointment when things didn't go the way I had planned.  But this appointment was soooooo much better.  For once, I didn't cry after the appointment.  In fact, I was excited to get started!  Dr. R is on the younger side (or looks like it at least), but that just means that he is open to newer processes and procedures, and he is still excited about his job.  He actually explained the whole IVF process in terms that the husband and I could understand---with pictures---which I think really helped the husband.  And he didn't just discount all of the research and knowledge I have picked up over the last 5 years of TTC.  That was probably what cemented the whole thing in my mind.  So many doctors have acted like I don't know what I'm talking about or just steamrolled me.  Dr. R actually mentioned that he was sure we know a lot of this already and he didn't talk down to us.  He didn't rush us, and waited until all of our questions were answered before moving on to the ultrasound.

After the appointment, I was told that the case manager assigned to me would be calling to explain the details and answer additional questions, and then the financial coordinator would get in contact with me.  Then he handed me a folder filled with documents and such.  I know, that sounds boring.  Why am I bringing it up?  Because the latest success rates were inside....and they are currently reporting a 74% pregnancy rate in my age group with only 1 embryo being transferred.  If I wasn't sure before, then that little sheet of paper pushed me over the edge.  Tell me where to sign up!

My case manager called Wednesday and again spent probably an hour on the phone with me answering all of my questions.  I am so excited because it may be possible to do the transfer before Christmas, which means so much to me.  I was really hoping to be pregnant by the end of the year, and I thought that my chances had already passed.  I need this kind of hope right now.  She also went over the pre-cycle testing requirements with me, and luckily I have time to get all of it done before my next cycle starts.  Hopefully I will start birth control pills when my next period starts (after CD 3 bloodwork), and then have my baseline ultrasound soon after that.

Now we just have to worry about the financing, which is always tough.  Well, unless you have $13k just laying around I guess!  Regardless, we are not letting money stand in our way.  We have waited too long for this, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of our lives.

I would love tips from anyone that has gone through this whole process before!

Finally something to blog about...

Wow, have I really not posted anything since August?  I don't really have a great excuse for the break except the fact that there hasn't really been anything to blog about...besides depression, which nobody wants to read about.

Don't get excited.  I don't really have much to share now either, but I can say that I will soon.  I know, the anticipation is killing you, right?  If you exist?  I'm sure I've lost most---if not all---of my followers by this point.

Well, last week, I finally met with a new RE.  I filled out tons of paperwork, tracked down my records, and the hubs and I drove into San Francisco for the consult.  For those of you that don't know, these consults are basically all the same (at least in my experience).  We sat in the waiting room bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited and nervous to meet the doctor that we hoped was going to make us parents at last.  When the doctor finally showed up (late, as usual, even though you never saw another patient leave), we followed him into his office to answer a million questions (the same ones that I just spent hours answering on the new patient paperwork that they didn't bother to read first).  It always depressing and uncomfortable to go through my history and answer that question that always makes me cring:  "Have you ever been pregnant?"  Nope. I'm that sad (infertile for no apparent reason) person that has never been pregnant.  Which I answered on your stupid form, doc.  Thanks for making me say it all over again, though.  And thank you for not even attempting to look sympathetic.

After the question-and-answer portion of the show was over,  the extra-fun ultrasound was next.  I just love pulling down my pants for a doctor I just met and then being introduced to something I am no stranger to---the dildo cam of course.  Luckily, he said that my uterus still looks good, and I had a lot of antral follicles, which is good.  Then, we went back to his office to discuss the fun part.  Our treatment plan.  We let the doc know that we just wanted to skip everything and go to IVF.  This isn't our first time at the rodeo, and I'm sick of waiting to be a mom.  One thing I did like is that the doctor made up a calendar right there in the office while we watched.  I didn't like that he didn't listen when I told him how long my cycles typically are, which meant his timing was off, but I figured that we could always tweak it later.

Unfortunately, the appointment only went down from there, and I spent the rest of it trying not to break down in the office (although, I'm sure that happens often in a place like that).  When I called this practice originally, I had been told that I would be able to go to a clinic in my city for everything but the retrieval and the transfer procedures.  Apparently, that was a lie.  I would only be able to go to the local office if the appointments happened to fall on the one day a week that the doctor travels to that office.  For those that don't know, the IVF cycle is unpredictable, especially near the end when you have to have ultrasounds every couple of days to determine when you are ready to trigger ovulation.  Timing is essential.  Especially since this would be my first cycle, and we don't know how I will respond to the medication.  It would be very difficult to get to the city for all of those appointments, especially because I would have to go by myself for most them, and the idea of driving through San Francisco gives me a panic attack.  Not to mention the costs and the drive-time.  The rest of the appointment was a blur through the tears starting to form as they laid out the costs (I definitely choked a little at them, although they weren't completely unexpected).

I guess I could have just given y'all the short version of the story.  But then ending is the same:  this just wasn't the right doctor, and I promised I wouldn't waste time if I didn't feel comfortable with the doctor this time.  So now I have found another practice and have a consultation set up for Tuesday.  This practice has a lot of doctors available and they have a new program that supposedly also allows me to get almost all of my care done near my home.  Plus, the main facility is much easier to drive to.  So wish me luck.  My goal is to be pregnant by the end of the year, so here's to hoping!

The loneliness of an infertile...

I think that one of the most difficult parts of being infertile is making and keeping friends.  Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem!

As a military wife, I move a lot.  Which makes it difficult enough to find friends, especially for an introvert like myself.  When I do find great friends, I then have to move away, or vice versa, which means I have to start all over again.  Not fun.

Now when you throw my infertility into the mix, it is even more difficult!  It is hard to make friends with people that already have kids.  I hate to say that, but it is true.  Not only do I not have much in common with them, but I think I make them uncomfortable.  They wonder why I don't have kids myself at this age, or they find out that I am infertile, and they don't know what to say.

Let's face it.  Nobody ever knows what to say.  Even the friends I do have already are at a loss, I'm sure.  I'm at a loss.  Nobody wants to be around a sad-sack that is obsessed with having a child.  Especially if that person has kids or is pregnant.  Infertility is a disease, and they don't want to catch it.

It is such a lonely time for me.  Even when I find support from infertility groups, I then find myself getting jealous when one of the other infertiles gets pregnant.  Yes, I am happy for them.  But then they graduate out of the group, and I am left behind.  Once they have the baby, of course they still remember being infertile.  And they want to still support you.  But they also are happy being moms and don't want to think about those things all the time.  They don't want to feel that they have to censor themselves around me, as in not talking about their pregnancy or their kids.  Many of them have "survivor's guilt" because they have succeeded and I have not.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to hang around either.

I guess I can only hope that someday, I will have my chance to procreate...to annoy people with pictures of my ultrasounds, my kids sleeping, etc.  I can't wait to annoy people with those things.

CD1...again

AF showed up in full force this morning---first thing.  It is such a lovely way to wake up.  What makes it worse is that I had such high hopes for this cycle and had actually bought some cheap HPTs yesterday that I planned on using tomorrow.  I don't know why I thought this cycle would be any different.  I guess I was just hopeful since my luteal phase and cycle in general have gotten longer the past few cycles, and then the timing seemed so perfect this month.  Plus, I just "felt" different.  I should know better by know than to play the symptom-spotting game, but it is so hard to not look for those things when you want something so badly.

The husband's 29th birthday is this month.  I had hoped to be able to surprise him with an early birthday present.  I will just add this to the past birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays---4 years of dates that I thought I could make extra special with the ultimate gift, but couldn't.

I had a vivid, emotional dream last night about my mother in law.  We were at her memorial BBQ (which was last weekend on what would have been her birthday), and all of a sudden she was sitting there next to me.  She said she missed us, and I told her that we missed her so much.  She asked me to take care of her son, which I of course promised that I would do.  I woke up with tears running down my face.  It was so emotional, but it made me feel at peace as well.  Even though I don't usually believe in signs, I thought that maybe the dream meant that I was pregnant.  It kills me that she couldn't see her son as a father before she died, and she wanted it to happen so badly for us, so I thought that she was my sign.  Especially since I haven't dreamed about her since she died earlier this year.

But no.

Instead, I had to tell her son that he isn't going to be a father.  Again.  How many times will I have to do this?  I'm only human.  My heart can only handle so much.

Will it ever happen for me?

Today I am feeling quite alone.

Being unemployed means spending all most of my day on the computer.  I'd love to say that I spend my free time being crafty and productive, etc.  But let's face it---I really sit on my couch and browse the web while watching HGTV.  Once I have checked every job search website known to man, I browse Craigslist for furniture and then stalk see what my friends are up to on Facebook.  Then, and only then, do I allow myself to venture onto Blogger to see what everyone else is up to in the blogging world.  Once I check up on my favorites, I look for new infertile bloggers from their favorites lists.  This used to be a comfort zone for me.  But lately, the blogosphere is just about as unsafe as the real world.

Today, I followed my usual routine and opened up a bunch of new browser tabs with new-to-me infertility blogs.  The first one I found had a blogger announcing her pregnancy.  The second one had a blogger talking about the first few weeks of her pregnancy.  The third one---well, you get the idea.  Although I hate to admit it, I closed the tabs because I couldn't read any more.

I am a horrible person.  I should read these posts and rejoice for these women.  Not only are they carrying life inside of them, but they are experiencing it after fighting for something so many others take for granted.  Years of pain, years of needles and tears, years of getting over hurdles much larger than mine.  I should feel like there is still hope, because if it can happen for them, it can happen for me.  How can I be so selfish?

The truth is, I am happy for these people.  I promise.  But I am also sad for me.  I have never experienced a pregnancy.  Not even for a minute.  Seeing all of these positives makes me feel like I am the only one that hasn't seen those two pink lines.  Deep down, I know that's not true.  But on days like this, my heart blocks out the logic in my head.  Instead, it buries itself deeper to try and hide from the pain.

Please know that this post has nothing to do with the joy that these other women are experiencing.  Babies are wonderful and every woman deserves her chance to be a mom if she wants to be one.  Even though I wish on everything that I could have my chance to be pregnant, I wouldn't want it to come at the expense of another.

1 DPO...

Okay, I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but this is the number I'm sticking with.  I know I got my smiley face yesterday, but it was so early in the morning that I figure the surge started the night before.  And I had cramps yesterday which hopefully means my damn ovaries were working their magic.

If I am right, then our timing this month was just about perfect.

Or, was it?

Does it matter if the timing was perfect?  It hasn't mattered for any past natural TI cycles, nor has it worked for 5 IUI's.

Why are these the thoughts in my head today?  Or everyday, for that matter?

Welcome to yet another TWW...damn I hate this part of the month.

The smiley face brightens my day...

Isn't it crazy how that little smiley face on the OPK can brighten your whole day?  I've been in a funk the last couple of days and nervous I wouldn't get a positive since I haven't for the last 2 months.  But lo and behold, that face smiled right back at me today, and that gives me the hopes have been desperately lacking.

On another note, OPK's also cause me some anxiety because all of a sudden DTD is imperative, and that just takes all the magic out of it.  I feel guilty thinking that the damn test is the only reason I am pitting the moves on my husband.  Of course it's not the only reason, but that forced feeling is still there.  Anyone going through this can relate, I'm sure!

Off to a fun resume class (read the sarcasm in my words).  Happy hump day y'all!

New hair, new attitude...

Does anyone else change their hair when they need a change in attitude or perspective?  Those that know me know I change my hair All.The.Time.  Seriously, it's an addiction.  But I find that there isn't much else I seem to have control of in my life, so I think it is great to be able to change that one thing.  So here I am with yet a new hairdo and a new lease on life.  Okay, maybe not quite that dramatic, but you get the picture, right?

The hair has been lightened and cut (a lot), and I really do feel lighter because of it.  <-----see what I did there?  My hair is a metaphor for my outlook haha.

Luckily, I have a husband that is fully supportive of my ever-changing style, so I never feel self-conscious when I do these things.

Besides that, there isn't much else going on over here.  I'm currently on CD12.  No positive OPK yet.  We are pushing the TTC again, but not in a crazy way.  I told the husband that I want to try on our own until September.  If it doesn't happen by then, I will start the process of finding yet another doctor for yet another opinion.  We have changed our eating habits a lot and I have lost 12 lbs since the beginning of the year, so hopefully these little changes will be just the kick my reproductive system needs.  Otherwise, we will go back to the clinical way of doing things.

Have a great week folks!

CD2

As you can tell from the title, AF reared her ugly head again and today is CD2.  I am sad as always, but I already knew our timing sucked this month.  Maybe this month, right?

My high school reunion is in a couple months.  10 years---how the time flies.  It seems like I will be in a situation all too common for me.  Standing alone among a sea of moms and soon-to-be moms.  I guess the only high point will be that I can drink and stay out as late as I want because I'm not pregnant and I don't have to get home to the babysitter...so why doesn't that make me feel better?

I want to be rushing home to kiss pudgy cheeks goodnight.  I want to be round and plump and complaining that my feet don't fit into my heels and my dress makes me look fat...because it means I am carrying a beautiful life inside of me.  I want all of that.  But I don't have that.  And I don't know when---or if---I will have that.

It hurts.

Today we went to a work event for the husband.  As usual, we were one of the only couples without kids.  All the parents were hot and uncomfortable having to chase their kids around and keep track of them while not getting to enjoy themselves or even sit down and talk to grownups.  That's usual when they tell me "you are so smart to wait to have kids."

And I wished it was me.  Oh how I wished it was me out there.

On another note, my thoughts are with Risa over at http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Gray clouds...

Some days are harder than others.  For whatever reason, today was one of those days.

But I am proud of myself for getting off my ass and being productive instead of just watching TV all day and sulking like I usually do on days when the cloud hovers above me.  I ran on the treadmill, used my new sander to fix some issues on the shelves I've been working on, cleaned and mopped the kitchen, and swept the garage.  Now I am working on my crocheted blanket and watching Tombstone, waiting for the husband to finally get off work.

Today is CD27.  No sign of AF yet, but I know she is on her way.  I guess PMS played a part in my mood today.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully a new cycle, as well, because I hate the TWW.

New hobbies...

Since the job hunt is taking longer than I would like, I have taken up new hobbies.

Because I like am OBSESSED with HGTV, and I obviously have a lot of time on my hands to watch it, I have decided to try my hand at some DIY projets.  The husband made me some shelves (who knew he could do that?), which I am in the process of priming and painting for our family room wall.  I have been collecting wooden frames from thrift stores and flea markets, and then I am painting them all white.  In the end, they will fill up a wall in my new house, and that will make me happy.  I also found a great nightstand at the flea market that I will be sanding, priming, and painting to go in our bedroom.  You see, we have never bought furniture for our bedroom.  In truth, we haven't bought much furniture for our house, period.  At least, nothing nice.  We move a lot, which makes is hard to purchase things like that, since we never know if they will fit into the next house we live in.  Therefore, we buy cheap things, which end up making our home look like a college dorm instead of a grownup house that we can be proud to entertain in.  I am now using my ample time to try and create a better space for us, and it is fun and exciting for me!

I am also still crocheting, even though I took a bit of a hiatus and haven't had the motivation to open the Etsy store I had so many plans for.  Maybe now I should get the motivation since it would be nice to contribute to the family income!  I am in the process of making my first throw right now, and I am loving how it is turning out.  I also just ordered yarn to make my Momma some placemats that she requested from me months ago.  Like I said, I am trying to keep myself busy or else I will go crazy being in this house all day every day.

As far as my cycle goes, I am currently on CD 25.  This is actually a great sign.  The last couple of years, my cycle has only been 23-24 days long on average except when I was medicated.  Last month, my cycle was a natural 28 days long!  Hopefully this means that I am making some positive changes with my diet and everything and that my cycle will continue to look this great.  The bad news is I never got my positive OPK this month, and our timing was probably only so-so.  But I am staying positive.  I am surrounded by children and pregnant women....it's gotta be my turn at some point!  I can't wait to crochet a blanket for my own little one :)

Happy Sunday everyone!

Not great at the whole "relaxed" approach to TTC...

As I stated in my last post, we are currently not doing any fertility treatments.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  The first is obviously because we just relocated and it takes time to get insurance switched over and find the right doctor.  Another reason is that I felt horribly a little traumatized by my past doctor experience.  I read through so many other blogs written by women going through a similar journey, except they have doctors that they love.  Doctors that take the time to explain things and hold them while they cry and generally just make them feel comfortable with something that is incredibly sensitive and uncomfortable by design.  You would think that would be standard with doctors that have chosen this field, but unfortunately, it is not.  So this time I will not waste time and money on someone that doesn't make me feel good about the whole process.

While we are not currently seeking treatment, that doesn't mean we don't still want a baby as much as ever.  It's really difficult because we had started the steps into our first IVF cycle in April, which really got our hopes up.  We finally could really imagine that this might actually happen for us.  But then we cancelled it, and that was devastating to me.  Although I know we made the right choice because the whole thing just didn't feel right at that time, it still hurt.  We got so close to the finish just to go back to the starting line.  For now, we are just doing things the old-fashioned way.  Our love life got so clinical, so we are working on that.  I'm not taking my temps or anything like that this time, but I am using OPK's.  I tried to do it on the sly so that the husband didn't really notice, because I wanted this time to be about us, not the TTC process.  But, he has been at this as long as me, and figured it out.  It hasn't really affected things, so I guess it is better that he knows.  And obviously, I am not nearly as sneaky as I thought I was!

Right now, I am on CD 14.  No smiley face yet, so I most likely missed my surge.  It's okay, it was just a guideline for me anyway.  But it would have been nice to see that damn stick smiling back at me.  Oh well, I will pee on that stick one more time today and then just chalk it up to bad timing if the bitch gives me an  empty circle again.

I'll keep you updated :)

Back from my blogging vacation...

Well hello there strangers.  I can't believe that it has been over 2 months since I have blogged.  I'd love to tell y'all that it is because I am preggers....or that I have been busy doing amazing things with my life...but that would be a lie.  The truth is, I just haven't really had anything to say...at least nothing that wouldn't sound like I was throwing a pity party for myself.  I find that people do not want to read those kind of depressing thoughts, so I have backed off for awhile.  Well, I am still depressed, but thought I would ease back into the blogging world.

Where to begin?

The husband is officially an Army recruiter, and we are living in Modesto---well, just south of Modesto anyways.  Wow, that's really all that has happened since I last blogged.  I guess it wasn't so hard to figure out where to begin after all!

I am trying my darndest to find a job in an area in which the unemployment rate is twice the national average, so that is fun.  We have taken a break from doctors for the moment because I got sick of the disappointment and I don't know when I will be ready to see one again.  We are still TTCing of course, that never stops, but it is on a much more relaxed level for now.  Although when I remember how close I am getting to 30 and when I see people posting their pregnancy posts on Facebook, it is harder to be relaxed about it all.  And I have had several people around me getting pregnant lately, which is always hard to talk about.  I hate that these people are afraid to tell me when they get their good news, but I guess that is what happens when you go public with your own infertility struggles.  If any of those people are reading this by the way, please understand that I am happy for you regardless of my own struggles.  Really.

I guess that is enough for now.  I am really going to try to jump back in, so hopefully I will be back sooner than later.  Back to the jobhunt!

Passing on IVF...

So, I have been having nothing but problems with my doctor's office. They don't return calls, and when I do get ahold of someone, they make me feel like I'm stupid or that I'm bothering them or both. I figured it was not worth it to trust something so sacred to someone I don't trust completely or when I don't feel comfortable with the level of care I'm receiving. Besides, it seemed like all signs were pointing out that this was not the right thing for me right now. Because nothing has worked out smoothly, I was able to cancel my overseas medicine order because they hadn't even shipped them yet. 2 weeks later. So I guess it worked out in my favor. I should be getting a full refund.

For now, we will just concentrate on our move and pick things up again once we are settled. I don't want to start all over with another doctor, but it's worth it if I find someone I feel more comfortable with that also helps get me preggers!

Thank you for all your support :)

Why do these things happen?

Tragedies like this make me wonder why I am trying so hard to bring another person into this world. It seems to get uglier every day. People are going to be afraid to ever leave their houses if these events keep happening. People gunned down while out to see a movie or shop at the mall, bombs exploding while you cheer for your loved one at the end of a marathon.

No words can express it.

My thoughts are with those affected by the Boston Marathon Bombing.

First crochet order filled!

Shipped my first order yesterday! Big thanks go out to my best friend for being my first customer! Put in my notice at work last week...my last day will be May 10. That will be right before my IVF retrieval hopefully, and will allow me to prepare for our move without the extra stress of work. To help make up for the lost paycheck, I am selling my crochet wares. Looking at different ideas, so I am open to suggestions on what to sell since it is not exactly scarf weather for a lot of people.

Infinity Scarf in Burgundy

Scalloped Boot Cuffs in Charcoal and Aran Fleck

Feelings...

Sorry that I have been so out of touch lately. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are doing an IVF cycle next month and sort out my feelings about it. Here is what I'm feeling right now:

Confused...
For those of you that are not going though the fertility journey, I'm sure that reading through some of this stuff makes your brain hurt. Well, all of the terms and abbreviations are second nature to those of us in the midst of it. Or so I thought. IVF is a whole new ball game, filled with new meds and terms. I have been researching it every free moment I have at work, and it seems like every answer I find only makes me think of a other question I have.

Nervous...
Oh my, I am nervous about everything as a rule. But this is on a new level. I'm nervous about the timing, nervous about the protocol Dr. M has chosen, nervous about emptying our savings and going into more debt over a procedure that is not a sure thing, nervous about taking a zillion shots that will not only bruise my bottom but also very possibly make me a raving hormonal lunatic, nervous that the meds won't work so they cancel the cycle, nervous the husband's sperm won't fertilize my eggs. What if it works? That brings on all kinds of different nerves that fertile women probably just skip to at this point.

Afraid...
This is a big one. I'm afraid that it won't work. This may be our only shot before just going back to the natural way. We cannot afford to do this more than once, at least not now. Yes, I know I am supposed to think positively here, but I am a habitually negative person. You can't just tell me to think of the glass as half full when I have convinced myself these past 28 years that the damn glass is half empty. Please do not insert some comment here that I have not gotten pregnant yet because I am not a positive person, or that half-empty glass may just go flying across the room. Sorry, that was a little dramatics but you get the idea.

Conflicted...
This is an interesting feeling I am having. I never thought we would be going through IVF. I think it is a wonderful science, and I am happy for any person that has done it and had it result in a child. I am not conflicted for religious reasons or anything. I don't believe that whole camp that says if God wanted me to have a baby, then he would have blessed me with one naturally blah blah blah. No, that's definitely not it. I just don't like the idea that I wasn't able to do this on my own (well, with the husband's help, of course). It makes me feel like a bit of a failure, which I hate.

Anxious...
Here is a feeling I am used to having, since I am anxious about pretty much everything in my life. I am trying very hard to ignore this feeling since it certainly won't help in this process, and I need to give us the biggest chance for success that I can. I am crocheting up a storm now, which helps occupy my mind and lower my stress level. I am working on opening my own Etsy store to sell my wares, but not stressing about it since that would be counterproductive. I did post it on my Facebook page though, and am already filling orders for my friends. This keeps me busy and also will hopefully help raise the money for IVF.

So there it is in black and white. I feel like a little bit of a weight has been lifted from my chest having said those things out loud. Yes, I read my posts out loud to edit them. It's not weird.

Oh yeah, an update is needed as well. I started BCP on Friday to prepare for my IVF cycle. It is making me feel sick, which I remember from when I was younger and used to have to stay home from school the first day of every new pack of pills because of how sick they made me. Oh joy. I am trying to take them with food and at night to help with the side effects, and that seems to be working. My Menopur and Gonal-F have been ordered from IVFmeds.com and should hopefully ship this week. My IVF cycle should start at the end of the month. I will continue to update as the craziness continues.

My bank account is weeping...

Well, I did it. I ordered my medicine for my upcoming IVF cycle. Charged up over $2000 on my credit card and then had a mini anxiety attack. I can't exactly back out now, I guess. Well, I could. But then, that money would all go to waste.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble getting through to my doctors office now. This is not exactly encouraging considering the fact that I am heading into entirely new, scary territory now. They were supposed to call in a prescription for birth control pills, but still haven't. I'm now on CD4 and assume I should have started on CD1. Hopefully this doesn't mess anything up because this is our one and only shot at IVF unless I win the lottery or find a rich relative I never knew existed.

On top of all this, we are now moving in like 8 weeks. So I need to find a place to live in California and pack up our house in Washington.

Did I mention that I am panicking over here? At a time when I should not be stressing at all?

UPDATE: Dr. M finally called me last night.  He is finally calling in my birth control pills, and told me to call him once I finish them and my period starts.  Then I will go in for a baseline ultrasound and talk about all the lovely shots my husband will have to give me to prepare for retrieval.  I also found out that I need to order yet another prescription from IVFmeds.com, so there goes another $600.  I just have to keep reminding myself that if this does get me a healthy baby, I would pay and do anything.

The Easter Bunny didn't bring me what I wanted...

Nope. Not pregnant.

Just wanted to let those of you know that I know we're sitting here waiting on pins and needles for my results (I know, I'm so important). Got the call from Dr. M yesterday that my blood test was negative. He said that my progesterone levels were still pretty elevated, which explains the delay in AF starting. Then I started spotting last night, and AF came for real today. Happy Easter to me.

Looks like we will be headed down the IVF path in May. I will keep you posted.

14 dpiui

Well, here I am at 14 dpiui. I have not made it this far in over a year, but I am not getting my hopes up. HPT this morning was negative, but I did go have a blood test done as instructed. Out of all the cycles I have been through, this was actually the first blood test for pregnancy I have ever had. I feel like it might hurt more than usual if it comes back negative...

Lets hope for the best but prepare for the worst...

Just another boring TWW...

Not much going on over here in the two week wait. I am currently 9dpiui. Had my progesterone serum test done Friday, and my level was 28. I'm never sure what number they are looking for, but Dr. M said it is a great result and proves I ovulated. If AF doesn't show up by Friday, I will go in for a pregnancy test. I honestly don't have any expectations for this cycle, good or bad. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?

On another note, I have been keeping my mind occupied by crocheting all sorts of things. I recently taught myself the basics (with some help from YouTube of course---isn't technology amazing?), and now I am even toying with the idea of opening an Etsy shop so I can sell them to raise money for IVF. Don't know if that's a good idea or a crazy idea. All I know is I have carried my shopping addiction over to the craft store, and now my house is a mess with yarn all over the place....

**update on IUI #5**

After my rant yesterday, I put on my big girl panties and headed back to the office for my IUI (where I just had to take my panties off again, dammit). Dr. M prepped me by cleaning my cervix (always a weird thought) and inserting the oddly warm speculum, before leaving to go get the "sample". Does anyone else have the doctor leave you spread eagle while he goes to get the specimen? I get to just lie there and make awkward small talk with the nurse. Always fun.

Anyways, he came back with the specimen and the results of how it lasted the thaw process. The results were less than satisfactory, unfortunately. Apparently, some sperm don't do well with freezing and thawing. Not surprising, considering how well the rest of this process has gone for us. Only about 4 million survived, and of those, not many looked very promising. He looked like he wanted to cancel the IUI altogether since they usually like to have at least 10 million alive, but I was already prepped and ready to go, so we went along and did it. Good news is, it didn't hurt at all this time. Probably because I didn't use any medication and I my ovaries were a normal size.

I will be honest, as always, and tell you I did cry a little after he left and I was alone on the table "resting" for my half hour before leaving. I couldn't help it. Sometimes it is so hard to be optimistic when the odds seem so stacked against you. I texted the husband, and immediately felt horrible about telling him the truth because he has started to blame himself for our troubles after the stupid doctor said it might be a male factor issue. I can handle being told it is my "fault" because I'm used to blaming myself for things, but to see it affect my husband breaks my heart. Maybe all the religious people out there are right when they say it just isn't meant to be for us. Maybe we shouldn't be messing with nature. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. <----------yep, that's the one right there. It's just one of those days when I have too much time to think. Time to find a way to keep myself busy and shut the brain off for awhile.

Yay for the two week wait :)

F***ing Doctors...

I am sitting at a Panera trying not to cry...yep, that's how this day is going.

Just had my U/S, which went ok. Dr. M found a dominant follicle measuring at like 25, which is the biggest I've ever had. However, he also had no idea who I was or what I was there for today. I know I am not the only patient these doctors see, but it would be nice if they could at least read over my chart beforehand so that they could pretend to know me. After all, they have seen parts of me even my husband hasn't seen, and it is a very delicate time for infertiles like me.

But no, he asked me to spread my legs and then used the dildo cam to check my ovaries while talking to the nurse about his plans for the weekend. He is going to the ballet, in case you all were wondering. Oh, and the nurse is taking her kids ice skating. Don't worry about me doc, I'm just trying not to cry while you probe around my insides for a bit.

So, he asked when I got my positive OPK, and I told him. Then he asked if I was there for a post coital. Umm no, Doc, I am here for an IUI with frozen sperm since my husband is out of town. Oh? So we should probably have Dr. C thaw the sample. Seriously?

After my fun U/S, we talked in his office. Well, he scribbled notes while I tried to ask him questions as usual. He once again pointed out my possible endo and said we should treat with gonadotropins, which we have already done. And then he asked if I took any meds this month...against seriously? No, I was unmedicated because of your treatment plan!

Then he said to come back in about an hour for the insemination. When I went up to the front to ask the nurses if they could make sure Dr. C got the order to thaw the sample, they didn't even have my IUI on the schedule. Incompetence at its finest is all I can say.

Now I will eat my lunch and try to get in a more positive mood before my IUI...here's to hoping I don't cry on the table.

Smiley face!

Got my smiley face today on my Clear Blue Easy OPK in the bathroom at work. Classy, I know.

U/S tomorrow on my lunch break to make sure things are ready, and then doing an IUI with the husband's frozen sperm.

First unmedicated cycle + first frozen cycle (hopefully) = BFP!

Cross your fingers, toes, and tubes for me please :)

Waiting on a positive OPK

Missing the husband like crazy over here...nobody ever tells you how the boredom is really the part that gets to you when they are gone.

Anyways...I am in CD 11 over here. Crazy amounts of EWCM yesterday, which is great, but frustrating because I literally only ever get it when the husband is away. Apparently the world is against us getting pregnant the old fashioned way! I started OPK's yesterday, and am already seeing two lines. I will continue testing 3 times a day today and tomorrow until I get a smiley face on that damn test stick. Nothing like taking long breaks at work to go test in the bathroom...and having everyone stare at you with concern thinking you must have tummy trouble to be spending that much time in the bathroom stall. The joys of TTC!

After I get my positive OPK, Dr. M told me to schedule an U/S that night to see if I have a follie that has burst or is getting ready to. Then I will schedule an IUI for the next day. First time using frozen sperm, so we will see how the sample thaws. I'm pretty nervous about it, and I really don't want it to hurt like the last time since I will be alone again. Hopefully this all works out on the weekend so I don't have to go back to work like I did last month. But we shall see as always. This will be IUI #5...which I never thought I would have to say. Wish I could tell you which cycle number this is, but I lost count a long time ago and it started to get depressing seeing the number go so high.

I am also going to talk to Dr. M about doing IVF if this cycle doesn't work. The husband should be home just in time for one last cycle before our move, and I plan on taking advantage of it. I'll let y'all know how that talk goes.

On another note, I had a fabulous birthday weekend with my best friend! We explored Seattle and downtown Olympia, and just made the most of her short time here. It was great having girl time and forgetting about things for a few days. Shout out to K for coming to see me and making my 28th birthday a memorable one!

Happy Thursday!

Unmedicated and unmonitored...

My best friend is visiting from California, so I won't be posting for a couple days, but wanted to give an update on this cycle.

I called Dr. M's office on CD1 and left a message asking for a call back to discuss the plan for this cycle. I got a voicemail a couple hours later from the doctor saying that he thinks I should just do an IUI with no meds and no monitoring because he thinks it is a male factor problem at this point and the Menopur was mainly to help with my CM, which doesn't matter with an IUI of course. I don't really think that is a great idea since my time is so limited with this doctor. I did the math. We have only this frozen cycle and then one more cycle when the Husband comes home. That's all. Then I have to start all over in a new place with a new doctor. And I don't know if I can do that again. I am exhausted. How can it be this hard to get pregnant when some people just look at each other and get knocked up?

It's not fair.

So I called and left yet another message asking him to call me to discuss things further because I don't want to feel like I am wasting a cycle. I don't have the time or money to throw away. I am turning 28 tomorrow...I don't want to keep waiting.

Needless to say, I have yet to hear back from him. And it's now CD5, so it's almost too late to start anything at this point anyway. Lovely.

I'll be back in a few days with a post, and hopefully a new attitude. We shall see.

Another one bites the dust...

Well the bitch showed up. Even the progesterone didn't hold her off longer than usual because she is a super villain and nothing can stop her.

Texted my husband this morning that the cycle failed. He's so far away and this is so hard to go through alone.

Sorry, nothing funny to say today because I'm just sad. Don't worry, I'm a big girl and I'm plenty used to disappointment by now. It used to take me a week to get over it, now I'm down to a day. Progress, right?

I will call Dr. M's office today to find out what the plan is this cycle. Hopefully he can fit me in for my baseline U/S early this week because my best friend is coming to visit this week and I don't want to have doctor appointments or anything else depressing distracting us from our fun weekend.

Thank you all for your encouragement and your sweet words the last couple of days. It is so appreciated.

Goodbyes suck...

Just had to say goodbye to the husband for a few weeks, which sucks. At least we will be able to talk on the phone unlike most of the other times he has been gone. I POAS yesterday hoping to have good news (or any news I guess) before he left. Of course it was negative. Trying to keep my hopes up because it is still possible to get a positive, but it isn't looking so great. The husband froze some sperm this week so that I can do an IUI while he's gone if this time didn't work. Seems so pessimistic, but we didn't want to risk the chance of wasting a cycle when we have such limited time here with this doctor.

So I will continue to hope and POAS until I get great news or until stupid AF rears her ugly, unwanted head.


P.S. welcome to my new followers! I am so excited to have people interested in what I have to say. Hopefully I will have more interesting posts coming up.

Xoxo

Ovulation confirmed!

Just got a call from Dr. M with confirmation that I ovulated according to the serum progesterone test I had done yesterday. Yay! Now just waiting around to test. We decided that the husband will go freeze his sperm this week just in case, so I will wait a few more days before testing. I'm still not experiencing any side effects from the progesterone suppositories, which is good. It does cause an orangish colored discharge though, and makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I can live with that. I'm kind of nervous about getting a yeast infection from the pill, so I'm constantly thinking about it. No bueno, but I can deal. Especially if it ends up helping to get me preggers. The doctor said I should keep taking them and call the office when I get a positive HPT or when my period starts, whichever comes first. So we are in for a looooong weekend!

Yet another 2ww...

Well, our computer has officially taken a dive, so it is much harder to write my blog. What's worse is that all my favorite blogs are bookmarked on said computer, so I am not able to read them as much as I would like. I really wanted to participate in ICLW this month, but I will have to wait until I have my computer back I think. The iPad pas been a great tool but is still not a replacement for my laptop!

Anyway.... Not much is going on around here. I've been sick the past few days, so I guess I have the husband to thank for passing his germs along. I am now 4 dpiui (days post IUI), and have been taking 100mg progesterone suppositories for the past 3 nights. No side effects so far, which is great. Weird orangish discharge since the pills are orange, but oh well. I've definitely been through worse.

Trying to relax and take this cycle one day at a time. Feeling anxious though because the husband will be leaving soon for Recruiter School, and then we will be moving soon after he gets back. We may not even know if this cycle worked until after he leaves, but I think we are going to freeze his stuff just in case so I can still do an IUI when he's gone if we need to. I hate that because it makes me think we are not being positive about this cycle, but I gotta prepare for the future. I am NOT leaving Washington state without a fetus growing inside of me!

Send us sticky baby vibes please! Xoxo

A blog post to end a very long day...

I have to say that today was my 4th IUI...therefore, I expected it to be a piece of cake. No big deal, I take a long lunch and fit in a little insemination with my cheeseburger. Nope. I'm not even gonna lie, that shit hurt. Seriously. Ouch.

This was my first IUI with Dr. M and I know everyone has their own way of doing things. The procedure itself was actually less painful than the others I have had, which I thought was a good sign. Yes, it was a little weird when he left the speculum in me while he left the too, to go get the specimen. And while it was a nice gesture to warm up the lube and turn up the heat in the room, it got a little uncomfortable. With my previous IUIs, I got up pretty much right after and got dressed and left...which is why I was so surprised when Dr. M told me to roll over onto my stomach and stay there for 30 minutes. What?? I'm on my lunch break fool!

Anyway, I laid there writhing in pain for 30 minutes (okay, 25 minutes because I couldn't stand anymore). Yes, I said writhing. Seriously, the cramps were horrendous, like nothing I have ever experienced. Really makes me look forward to childbirth haha. Luckily, they died down after 25 minutes or so and I got dressed and left. On the way out, the doc also gave me a prescription for progesterone (which I do not get to take by mouth if you were thinking that I was that lucky by the way) along with instructions to come in for a progesterone serum test on Monday blah blah blah. I stopped for some Tylenol on the way back to work and finished out my shift. All in all, it has been a long day and I am exhausted. But I know that I won't even remember the exhaustion or the pain once I get that positive HPT. Then it will all have been worth it. For now, though, I will take Tylenol and nurse my sensitive, painful, exhausted ovaries.

Goodnight xoxo

4th IUI...

Had another appointment with Dr. M yesterday morning. We had to do another post-coital test to see if an IUI would be necessary. Good news is, the Menopur did help with my CM. I didn't notice any difference, but the doctor said that it was really helping the little guys swim. However, the results still showed some problems with abnormal sperm, which is not great for our chances. It only takes one though!

Based on these observations, Dr. M suggested we abstain yesterday afternoon and do an IUI today. I expressed my concerns about this since I got my positive OPK on Sunday morning, but he said it can still up our chances. This will be our 4th IUI, so this isn't my first rodeo. Previously, we've always done it the day after a trigger shot, and obviously it hasn't worked. The doctor explained that most women release an egg 24-48 hrs after getting a positive OPK, but then the egg is viable for about 24 hours after it is released. We have always tried to catch the egg before it dropped, so now we will try to catch it on its way out I guess. It may be a waste, but I know it at least cant hurt, and each cycle we get closer to IVF. So you better believe I will do what I can to make the magic happen before that is necessary!

So now I am getting ready for work and planning out how to tell my boss that I have to leave early to get inseminated....maybe I will choose different words haha! Luckily, I work with all women, and I "came out" to them about my infertility struggles a while ago, so I don't expect it will be too awkward. Please cross your fingers, toes, and Fallopian tubes for us!

Xoxo

A better day...

Today was a much better day. I decided to take an OPK before my appointment just in case, even though I usually don't get positives until late afternoon. Color me surprised when I got a smiley face on my little ClearBlue Easy digital OPK! I ran to the other room to tell the husband that we got a smiley face...and of course he knew what that meant because he knows waaaaay too much about this stuff.

This put me in a much better mood going into my appointment with Dr. M this morning. We did a followup U/S and the two dominant follies matured even more, and measured about 19 and 21. And because I got a positive on the OPK, I didn't have to do a stupid trigger shot. Yay! Plus, I don't have to do any more shots. Score for my bum! The doctor does want me to come in tomorrow morning for another post-coital test, which I hate. However, the Menopur did not seem to help with my CM like we hoped, so it's probably a good idea. I asked if it would be too late to do an IUI I'd the test doesn't show great news, and he said no, that we could do one the next day if necessary. Lets hope it's not necessary, but I wanna do what is needed to make this cycle work. Otherwise, the husband will have to freeze some of his magic so I can use it when he is gone next month.

Thank you all for your kind words and for sticking with me through my pity party the other day. I'll keep you posted as this cycle progresses :)

Followup U/S

Yesterday was my followup ultrasound to see how the Menopur was working.  So yes, that meant another date with the dildo cam.  Such a charmer, that one.

Dr. M, as usual, was in "mad scientist" mode.  I could barely get a word in.  He did, however, point out that my lining looks good, and found two dominant follicles in my right ovary that measured like 16 and 18 inches.  According to him, they should be fully matured by Sunday, when I will be going in for yet another ultrasound.  He said to use OPK's starting today (even though I actually started yesterday because I always ovulate early on meds).  If I don't get my LH surge, then I will need to do an HCG trigger shot to force the eggs to release.  Hopefully I don't need that shot because it's going to cost extra money and I'm not even sure when and where I can fill it.  He said he faxed off a prescription to Walgreens in TX because the local ones wouldn't have it.  But then he didn't mention how exactly I would be getting it here....and he was talking so fast that I didn't get a chance to ask more.  Is that where their corporate office is and then a local one will call me?  Do I need to find a location and fill it?  No clue as usual when it comes to this doctor.  He's supposed to be brilliant, and he better be.  Because I am at my breaking point here.

After my appointment, I cried all the way home in the car.  I don't even know why exactly.  Could be the hormones finally hitting me and making me an emotional mess.  Could be the fact that it's been so long since we started trying that some of my friends are already planning for their second or third kids while we are still waiting on our first.  Could be that I get overwhelmed by my doctor and I hate that I don't have the balls to just cut him off and ask him to explain himself better because I am afraid of looking stupid.  Could be the fact that the doctor mentioned again that he saw signs of endometriosis...when I just went through surgery in September to rule that out and was told my the stupid military doctors that they didn't see any signs of it.  Could be that I am afraid this cycle will just end in depression like all the others, and that we are running out of time before we leave Washington and have to find yet another doctor to prod at me.  Could be that my birthday is coming up.  I will be 28.  I know that isn't old in today's fertility standards, but I always said when I was younger that I wanted to have all my kids before I was 30.  Now I may not even have one before that.  

Could be I am just having a pity party for myself. <------------- Yeah, that is probably it.

So I came home from the appointment and was bitchy and took it out on the dog and the husband because I am a horrible person.  I then had to apologize and of course the husband was understanding because he is a much better person than me and I do not deserve him at times like that.  That's when I remembered that I forgot to ask Dr. M whether I needed to keep taking the Menopur shots or not.  I couldn't reach him so we decided to do the shot since he didn't tell me NOT to do it, and originally had said I should be taking them for 10 days.  Last night was day number 6, and my bum is not happy about it.  Let's hope this is the magical cycle and my bum can get a rest.

End of rant :)

Ouch!

Note to self: Menopur shots hurt so much more in my right cheek! At least now I know it wasn't just the nurse's fault. My left cheek must be missing a nerve or something haha!

That's all, just a random thought for the day.

Just a prick...

First shot of Menopur down, 9 more to go. Actually wasn't as bad as I expected. I should give credit to the husband for that because he didn't flinch at all and because of him, my bum doesn't hurt too much right now.

In other news, I became a hypocrite and got an iPad Mini today. The husband wanted to get me a tablet for my birthday, so I went into research hyperdrive this weekend trying to figure out what I wanted. This isn't an advertisement and I'm not a techie, so I won't go into details about what I was considering. But I will say that I am usually against Apple products because of all the hype that surrounds them and the fact that I think a lot of it is overpriced. However, I caved today. The Mini just had everything I wanted and more and we saved some money by buying it on post at the PX. So now I am really testing it out by writing a blog post from it. Not bad at all.

I will keep you all posted as my Menopur cycle continues...let's hope I don't get any crazy side effects.

Please keep reading and following me. Don't be shy :)

Stick it to me...

After our hiatus last month, the husband and I are moving on to the wonderful (we hope) world of injectables this cycle.

Yesterday was CD3 and I went to see Dr. M for my baseline ultrasound.  Many of us infertiles refer to it as the "dildo cam" because it is an internal ultrasound.  What can be worse than having the doctor do an internal ultrasound while your husband is sitting right next to you?  Having one done while you're still on your period. I guess I should be used to just throwing all modesty out the window at this point anyway, right?  Wrong.  Still embarrassing.

The baseline ultrasound is used to make sure that everything is in working order and that there aren't any cysts before starting a new medication.  This was the first one I have had done with Dr. M and it was much different from the appointments I used to have with the clinic on post.  For one thing, he actually had a screen near my head so that I could see what he was looking at.  To be honest, most of it just looked like shadows to me, but he tried to point out the uterus and the ovaries, and you can even see all of the potential follicles hanging around.  The only concerning part was when he pointed to a strip that he said looked like possible endometriosis...which I didn't understand because I just had a laparoscopy in September to rule out endo.  But the doctor didn't concentrate on that, so maybe I heard him wrong or he just wasn't that concerned.  He did point out that my lining looks great and showed "all the great places for a baby to grow."  He is so odd, but sometimes says the nicest or funniest things.

After the ultrasound, the nurse gave us (the husband) a lesson in giving me the shots.  Now, I thought that Menopur would be given subcutaneously (subQ), since that is what is on the box.  I had read the instructions and was all prepared to do a little subQ shot in my abdomen.  But no, the doctor actually wants us to do intramuscular (IM) shots.  So I had to lay back down on the table and get a practice shot in my bum.  Yup, in my bum.  Not fun, let me tell you.  That practice shot was just saline, and my bum hurt the rest of the evening.  And, it was given by a trained nurse.  So, how will it feel when it is full of hormones and is being given by a slightly-but-not-really trained husband?  Let's hope I am just being a wimp.  And that this same husband is not turned off by my bruised ass at the end of this.  After the appointment, we headed to Target to fill a prescription for the syringes and also picked up alcohol wipes, cotton balls, and bandaids.

Ah, the romance of TTC!

So the plan is that I do the injections once a day for 10 days starting CD5, which is tomorrow.  I go in on CD10 for an ultrasound again to make sure that the medicine is doin its thang and that my ovaries are not overstimulated, which is bad.  I also have to do another post-coital test this cycle to decide whether we need to do an IUI or if we can stick to timed intercourse.  The Menopur should make my CM "really flow" as the doctor put it, so hopefully that will solve one of the biggest problems we have and let us stick to timed intercourse.  Or, if there are a lot of follicles maturing, we may need to switch to an IVF cycle to avoid having too many eggs be fertilized.  I do not want to risk the danger of carrying multiples (we're talking like 5-6 babies here...I would be fine with twins and would even risk triplets if it came down to that.  But carrying more than that is just dangerous).

So that is the plan, and I will keep you updated as we go.

Back from my hiatus...

I would like to thank you for your kind words and condolences about my mother in law.  The husband and I and his family are healing one day at a time.  We found out where we will be stationed in California, and it is only about an hour and a half from most of our family.  Even though where we are moving is not exactly a place I would EVER choose to live, the most important thing is that we will be close so that we can help my father in law during this time and so we can both see our families.  When we do finally get to have a child of our own, it will be nice that they can at least spend the first couple years of their life around family, which we never thought would be possible as long as the husband remained in the Army.

Last month, I had this small hope that we would get pregnant on our own.  A friend at work put it like this: "Sometimes when one angel leaves, another takes its place."  I thought that was a beautiful thought.  That maybe something wonderful could come from such a sad time.  That maybe it would be one last gift from my thoughtful mother in law, someone who wanted us to have a child almost as  badly as we do.  It may seem odd that I held onto a hope like this considering I don't know what I believe in...but believe it I did.  Of course, that did not happen, but I will discuss it in my next post.

Sad times...

Sorry, I have not really been around for the last few days.  We have been home in California with the husband's family.  We came here to be with my mother-in-law, but she passed yesterday.  I know that she is no longer in pain and that she is now in peace, but it is still a very sad time for my family.  I feel lucky that I was able to come home to see her and to say goodbye.  But I am sad and angry that she is gone.

I am sad that she will never get to see her baby (my husband) be a dad.  I am sad that my child(ren) will never get to know her.  She was a wonderful, giving, unselfish person that loved being a grandmother so much.  Her family was her life, and you could tell that by the number of people that were by her side when she died.

I am angry that my body is messed up somehow and I was unable to produce a grandchild for her before she died.  I am angry that my husband had to lose his mom at such a young age.  And I am angry that my father-in-law has lost his soulmate.

I have a hard time when the husband leaves for just a few weeks or months, and I cannot imagine losing him for good.  While I do not pray because I don't know what I believe in, my thoughts are with my husband's family during this hard time.  More than ever, I am glad that we will be moving closer to home so that we can help and support the family.  Please keep our family in your thoughts.

What anxiety does to me...

I just have to get this out there.  I am an incredibly anxious person.  I worry about pretty much everything all the time.  In fact, right now, I am worrying about what people are thinking about me writing about my anxiety.  I know, I'm a little nuts.  When I get anxious about something, like a social situation that makes me uncomfortable, I get flushed and jittery and my heart races.  But when my mind is just working overtime, sometimes my anxiety comes out in other ways.

I am a compulsive skin picker.  I know, that sounds disgusting.  It's probably not as bad as it sounds, but it's definitely not a good thing.  I pick the skin around my fingernails and my lips, mostly.  And then it upsets me to see what I have done to myself, so I try to fix it, which only means more picking.  It's unhealthy, and I hate it.  I try to stop all the time.  And the husband asks me to stop when he is around.  But I still do it.

I don't really know why I am writing about this.  I just feel like maybe putting it out there will help me to be more aware of it so that I can stop.  Please don't judge me.  I choose not to be on medication for anxiety, depression, etc...I like to self-treat because I don't believe in being hopped up on drugs.  This blog is a sort of treatment for me.  Maybe it will help with my anxiety and picking, and maybe it won't.  I'm willing to try just about anything to feel better.  If I ever do get the chance to be a mom, I don't want to pass any of my craziness on to my little ones.  If I am self-assured and confident, maybe they will be too.  If I am an anxiety-ridden mess, I don't want them to be that way.

Sorry this was so off-topic.  Thanks for reading :)

Under the weather...

So I called my doctor's office today to let them know that we were going to have to scrap this month because the husband had to go home on emergency leave.  They were very nice (for once...gotta say the office staff aren't all that friendly), and told me to call when we were ready.

Even though we aren't doing anything this cycle since I don't know when the husband will be home, I decided to fill my prescription for Menopur anyway.  I've been waiting over a week to hear from the pharmacy, so I called them to see if they had gotten the pre-authorization from Tricare yet.  To my surprise, they did.  And then they told me what I would have to pay....$12.  Yes, you read that right.  My copay for this very expensive medicine was only $12!!!  Tricare can be wonderful sometimes.  I have found that they are one of the only insurance companies that actually cover fertility medication.  There is a catch though.  They will cover testing and medicine as long as it is for a cycle using timed intercourse.  So no IUI or IVF coverage.  Well, the doctor and I decided to try Menopur and timed intercourse since they haven't yet found anything wrong besides some bad CM.  According to him, Menopur helps a lot with creating fertile CM, so we figured that would be just the ticket.  Because of this decision, I only had to pay a copay for my meds instead of full price.  Before finding this out, I was going to purchase from IVFmeds.com, and it would have cost $600 for the same amount of medicine.  Yep, it costs $58 per vial.  And he ordered 10 for this cycle.  Holy crap, that is a lot of dough!  Now you see why I decided not to take it this month on the off chance that the husband might make it home in time for ovulation.

I am hoping that everything works out and we are able to use the medicine next cycle.  Either way, I talked to the husband last night about my feelings about taking a break.  He still wants to do IVF cycle, but we both understand that we don't know what the next couple of weeks will bring.  I just wanted him to know that his mom's health is my #1  priority right now.  Even though I am also sad that it will take longer to have our family, I know that I would not feel right worrying about that right now when there is something so much more important going on.

On another note, I am sick as a dog right now.  So I am going to cuddle up under a blanket and pop some cold meds and go to bed early.  Nighty night and thanks for the support.